I've been really busy with work, coaching, f-ing boys(not literally), applying for college and trying to stay sane :p
When I was browsing for a thinspo to put up on my post, this one caught my attention immediately. Jimmy Eat World describes how I feel right now:
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now
If you love me at all, please don't call
I throw away everything I've written you
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once
oh, I can't forget that
Long story short love hurts. I had a feeling that I would wind up in this situation though. J and I split, a mutual understanding. We still care about each other. P comes home and surprises me by semi dating me. Then after a few week he decides he wants to date around...then MAYBE we can try dating again. So in other words I feel like the 'back up plan'. I am in so much pain, and yet, he doesn't appear to be hurting at all. Why the fuck is it so easy for him? We still see each other but its excruitiating. I just don't know what the hell he is thinking(neither does anyone else).
Before he got home I fully expected jsut to be friends. So I let my gaurd down when we started to re kindled the fire. I'm an idiot. And to make it worse. Lately I've been staying the night at J's. I am so alone and I can't sleep in my apartment by myself. Its not like I'm scared. When my Dad is there the nights he stays I sleep.
Not to worry though ladies!!!!! I'm working on detaching myself from P. Its hard. He was my bestfriend, and I thought he would at least be able to be my Friend. Dissapointment and let downs are what i'm experiencing. Today I just didn't text him, as much as I wanted. I didn't contact him for most of the day. Finally I received a text from him, so maybe it iwll work.
My dad said to me : "It drives boys crazy when they don't hear from you" I don't want to drive him crazy, but I do feel if he is being honest(because he claims he still 'hopes' and has feelings) then he will have to make the effort. Bastard.
Ha ha. Okay END RANT!!!
I'm fasting today. Who is with me? Text/Email me. 801-369-0019 , firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope I don't get any creeper stalkers. Stay strong!! Work hard on your goals!! Don't let anyone tell you who you can/can't be. I love you all!!