You're not alone

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I am fighting two battles:
There is the girl
still striving to be thin
There is the girl
listening to others advice
This girl doesn't know who to listen to
she knows if she tries to 'recover'
she'll gain
she'll get depressed
everyone will hate her
This girl knows she should listen
she knows taking care of her body
she'll gain
she'll be healthier
everyone will stop worrying about her
This girl can't stand the other
this girl wants to be fragile
this girl is still who I am
This girl loves the other
this girl is trying to please others
this girl isn't who i'm ready to be

So anyway thats whats going on. I have been busy with work/band/boy/coaching. So I am sorry that I haven't been better with the blogging world. Work: Well actually I sent an email on sunday explaining my frustration and almost leaving notification. I didn't go to work monday or tuesday. I spent Monday with P and his Band. We stayed up through the night. We kissed a lot. I kissed his chest, lips, neck. When we kiss like that it feels so blissful. He came to my place near 6 am. We agreed to not go to sleep in the same bed. A few hours later he came and cuddled with me anyway.

Wednesday I woke up 4 am, and it was not so good. I don't know what hit me; flu, food poisoning? It was horrid. I called P, I was scared. He was busy. I slept all day. I tried to go to work, but then I ended up at P's apartment. Not to be taken care of by him, but his roommate and E and his girlfriend. P is a little poopy, but thats not what I'm going to focus on.

I finally made it to work on thursday! I had a meeting with my managers and I'm getting a raise, plus some backpay! Oh do I need that chunk of money. I watched the film I was in, it was pretty good! I will post it when I can. I gave P a ride home after and he was back to his 'just friend' mood. Wanker. By his request I have been trying to eat more, and maybe gain a couple(and that is saying a lot for me). But why? I have no reason to be bowing to his wishes. I'm being so stupid. I truly am. I went home and browsed my phone photos. a picture of J came up. my first thought "I love him". And I do. And I can't handle it. Currently him and I wouldn't work out in the long run. But I still want to be his, to be with him. Is it because P is being such a moron? Am I incapable of being happy without someone 'loving' me back?

Well I am not going to try and gain for P anymore. I just got off my period. I usually don't weigh during that time. I am out of town for a swim meet and to kill time I worked out. I also forced myself to eat dinner. So this is my new plan:

I will allow myself more food, only if I work out. If not I am reverting back to 600 or less.
how about that P?

I weighed myself. Only up a couple pounds, not stressed.

My GW is 112 right now. Slow and steady


SBB said...

Love is rough. Your situation sounds extremely messy. P sounds like he's being a typical boy - he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too...
It's obvious you love P, and that you love the idea of him and you - together. I also think it's obvious that he is more than aware of how you feel about him... I think "wanker" was being overly polite hun.
I hate boys. I hate relationships.
Keep your chin up, do what you need to do for you... because at the end of the day you're the one who has to live with yourself and your thoughts...
Fuck this is shitty..

Jax said...

Boys suck - take care of you, and if he is truly the one, he'll be OK with that.


Ana's Girl said...

Boys are ridiculous and impossible beings that are not meant to be understood. Take care of YOU, dearie, and the rest will come along with that.