debation

I am fighting two battles:

There is the girl

still striving to be thin

breakable

fragile

There is the girl

listening to others advice

trying

eating

This girl doesn't know who to listen to

she knows if she tries to 'recover'

she'll gain

she'll get depressed

everyone will hate her

This girl knows she should listen

she knows taking care of her body

she'll gain

she'll be healthier

everyone will stop worrying about her

This girl can't stand the other

this girl wants to be fragile

this girl is still who I am

This girl loves the other

this girl is trying to please others

this girl isn't who i'm ready to be

So anyway thats whats going on. I have been busy with work/band/boy/coaching. So I am sorry that I haven't been better with the blogging world. Work: Well actually I sent an email on sunday explaining my frustration and almost leaving notification. I didn't go to work monday or tuesday. I spent Monday with P and his Band. We stayed up through the night. We kissed a lot. I kissed his chest, lips, neck. When we kiss like that it feels so blissful. He came to my place near 6 am. We agreed to not go to sleep in the same bed. A few hours later he came and cuddled with me anyway.

Wednesday I woke up 4 am, and it was not so good. I don't know what hit me; flu, food poisoning? It was horrid. I called P, I was scared. He was busy. I slept all day. I tried to go to work, but then I ended up at P's apartment. Not to be taken care of by him, but his roommate and E and his girlfriend. P is a little poopy, but thats not what I'm going to focus on.

I finally made it to work on thursday! I had a meeting with my managers and I'm getting a raise, plus some backpay! Oh do I need that chunk of money. I watched the film I was in, it was pretty good! I will post it when I can. I gave P a ride home after and he was back to his 'just friend' mood. Wanker. By his request I have been trying to eat more, and maybe gain a couple(and that is saying a lot for me). But why? I have no reason to be bowing to his wishes. I'm being so stupid. I truly am. I went home and browsed my phone photos. a picture of J came up. my first thought "I love him". And I do. And I can't handle it. Currently him and I wouldn't work out in the long run. But I still want to be his, to be with him. Is it because P is being such a moron? Am I incapable of being happy without someone 'loving' me back?

Well I am not going to try and gain for P anymore. I just got off my period. I usually don't weigh during that time. I am out of town for a swim meet and to kill time I worked out. I also forced myself to eat dinner. So this is my new plan:

I will allow myself more food, only if I work out. If not I am reverting back to 600 or less.

how about that P?

I weighed myself. Only up a couple pounds, not stressed.

My GW is 112 right now. Slow and steady