Can you let yourself go there?

I had a therapy appointment today. Just me and the therapist. We have been seeing him as a couple since June/July. I felt like going alone because sometimes its hard to talk about my eating disorder in front of Perry.

A: How are things going
Me: I am having a hard time.
A:what's going on?
Me: I have been restricting.

After a few sentences he states
A: I have never seen this side of you. You seem very open, vulnerable, real. I wonder what it would be like if you were this way around everyone

That has stuck with me all night. I definitely was different today in front of him. I came to him very humbled. Very worn. Very eager for help. Maybe he saw the side of me that is scared. The side of me that really wants help. Really wants freedom.

Me: I feel like I want to evade the emotions. I need to be empty(oops ED language came out)
A: what do you mean empty
Me: ... I don't know why I said that .... I guess I meant when I restrict I feel numb. It numbs my emotions.

My therapist is a marriage/family/sex therapist. He is not really in the ED realm. But I feel like he is very aware. I usually refer my baby as "the baby" "our baby".

A: does it bother you if I refer your daughter as your daughter?
Me: no. But I can't
A: why is that? Do you feel like you have a daughter?
Me: no

I cried a lot. It's hard to call her my daughter. It's hard to call her by the name we gave her, Olive. It makes it more real if I call her those things.

A: does not referring your daughter as anything more personal make it easier to numb your emotions?
Me: yes.
A: what would you want to say to her if you could talk to her?
Me: I hate disappointing people
A: how do you do that?
Me: by the way I act and how I cope

After more talking:
A: are you going to be okay this week?
Me: I am not going to do anything majorly stupid
A: should I be worried about you?
Me: I doubt I will stop restricting. I am sorry but I can't promise I will stop
A: I understand. But I want you to try and get back to where you were emotionally today. I want you to try and let yourself feel how you feel today. Did it feel good, as hard as it may have been, to talk to me about what is going on?
Me: yes. And it feels good to cry
A: then I want you to try and get back here and not hold back those emotions.

I really liked therapy today. And I am going to try and do what he asked

Loves

-M

I'm glad you are still doin hair

I had a client tell me "I'm glad you are still doing hair" as he left the salon. I forget that people appreciate me. Not just family or the husband. But coworkers, clients, acquaintances. I know I make it pretty hard for people to appreciate me. I am not always the most patient. Not am I very open.

I have a hard time trusting people. And this is not something I suddenly have a problem with, it's been the last 4 years. Do people have a hidden agenda? Why aren't they giving more effort to the relationship? Etc. I set expectations on people, sometimes realistic, other times not. There are some people that I feel accept what I have to say without judgement. There are others who I know try to listen with open ears, but judge.

And I don't blame them.

I do that myself.

Why do I create walls?

Fighting with myself

I don't expect people to understand why I do what I do. Or how I react and lead my actions. Hell. Half the time I don't know why I do it. Take last night for example:
Husband is running his hands through my hair, but is doing it in a way that hurt. I try to tell him that it hurts, and proceed to show him an example of how to do it differently. He gets peeved, I shut down and am ready to go to bed.
That story ends well because we reconciled 10 min later. That is not he point though.
The point is I don't purposely try to shut down, over react, or be dramatic. I am normally a very easy going person, who evades drama like someone who is ill and I don't want to get what they have.
I really think I have an imbalance in my body. Hormonal? Chemical? I don't know.
And right now my brain wants to relapse. I am fighting so hard the past week. With all of the emotions of losing my baby coming to head(March 25th is the year), and on top of it all a big family issue has come up, I want to cope in the way I know how.
I am angry that I can't ride out my feelings of loss and grief on its own. I feel like that it will only prolong needing a "vice" to "handle" my emotions.
If my family is reading this right now, please remember this is where I vent. This blog is where I release my impulsive thoughts. This blog is where I vent my irrational thinking. And with that as a precursor: I am angry
I don't want to have to feel ashamed, or angry, or bitter toward family right now. It is not fair that my baby is not given my full attention. I have not cried about this all month because I am on the defense. I am not happy that I have to deal with you finding my blog and losing my baby at the same time.
It happened. It is done. Can't change that.
But please let me grieve. Let me honor my little baby. Let me cry for her and feel how I need to feel. That's all I want. But I have yet to do that.
I just want to feel what I need to feel.

Weight Budging

Back in November(when I think my thyroid started acting weird) I put on 15 extra pounds. Now, some of this was actual diet choices, eating out, being depressed and not physical, but as soon as I felt the weight got too much I changed my habits. I tried healthy eating habits. I started working out. It's so frustrating.

Nothing changed.

And after taking some supplements for my thyroid, I finally got my energy back! I finally got the drive to start exercising again. And FINALLy I feel like my body is getting back to normal

I try and not focus on the actual number. I see it in my face though, in my legs. I was actually pretty content of where I was last fall. So hopefully things continue! And I can continue to work on healthy habits.

But I am not perfect




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Anxiety

I have never been the person to have panic attacks. I have never experienced one. At least two of my sisters do though, and I have been present when it's happened.

The anxiety I feel is more internal. It builds and builds. Never really causing me to have an outburst. And I get to points though, where I have to release this anxiety. Cutting, starving, purging, drinking, whatever it may be. And I sometimes honestly can't stop it. The more and more I try and stop those urges, the easier it is to try and do positive things.

But it's not easy. And sometimes I feel broken. I am broken because I keep coping in negative ways.



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Running

In my lowest of lows of my ED one thing I didn't ever abuse was running. Yes I would get obsessive with a set running schedule. Yes I would beat myself up if I missed a run I had planned. That was me just needing to have a routine, and then punishing myself for "failing".

I love running. I love being able to push myself with something, pushing my mind and body (even after 2 minutes into my run I think I can't do another 18). I especially love outdoor running!

I can't wait for spring. I can't wait to do some trail running. The rythmn my body and mind get into while running is comforting to me. And it has been so long since I have been able to run.

After my time at the treatment center I was able to do a couple 5ks. But the fall of 2011 I started relapsing, and then I got pregnant. After I lost the baby, well for many reasons, there was no time(I wasn't making time).
It has literally been almost 1.5 years since I have ran more than once or twice a month.

Currently I average 3 runs a week. This week i will make it 4. My goal is to do the following
2 3-5 mile runs
1 sprint run OR hill run
1 long run 4+ miles

Reason is my friend wants me to run a half marathon with her. The only reason I don't think I will do it is because of money. But I do know I will be running 5ks.
I am so happy

Update your blog girl

Lol. I don't know who posted that comment but it made me laugh. Does anyone know how to filter spam comments? There was like 5 on my last post

I am alive and doing a lot better than in December. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes. I have stopped drinking(minus one relapse in Jan) and am trying to stay focused.

I have slowly and surely been getting physically active again. I have tried to just get my butt to the gym as much as I can. I don't get down on myself if I can't go as much as I like. I started running again and it feels amazing!

Health update: my thyroid is finally getting back to normal. I have started having more energy again, I am functioning better! It's amazing.

Mental health update: this is the month. The 25th is the day I lost my baby. So I am teetering on an edge of impulsiveness. I am working really hard to stay smart and strong. But overall I feel a lot happier. I have cut back how much I work. I have more free time. I am feeling like myself. I still have a lot of work to do but I will get there.




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