Loss for Words

No more excuses

I'm running tonight

Fasting tomorrow

Fuck

Why do I feel so useless today? P can't find a job. His roomate just got TWO jobs. I'm sick of everyone, I just want to be with him. His roomate makes me want to break something. The second he walks through the door, endless talking

sigh

And I feel FAT with a capitol F. But I can't complain about that because its my own fault.

P knows about my extreme starving last year, and then the purging and laxie abuse last summer. Again. My own fault. I sort of told him.

But now this means he won't let me get away without eating. I think subconsciously i did it in order to create a new challenge. Sigh. I am excited to go running with him later. I'm a blimp.

Xoxox

Just toss it

This morning I woke up next to P. An actual wedding date seems to becoming more of a reality.

P: I know you don't want to wait long
Me: silent
P: I'd like to get married this year
Me: silently excited
P: The other day you said maybe, september
Me: shakes head yes

I ate a bowl of cereal this morning. A small piece of cake (gross huh). a few carrots. I couldn't stop eating the carrots

After I left P's apartment I headed to work. I had left over veggies and rice from dinner tuesday, P told me to take it to work. I wasn't hungry. I just wanted to eat. Stupid. Because I was too tempted to just eat as soon as i got to work. I knew I'd hate myself

So when I stopped to pick up my coffee

I tossed the food.

Sometimes we are strong to say no, other times we just have to toss the food out to avoid it entirely.

5 things I love about me:

1) My eyes. They change colors: dark blue, grayish blue, hazel

2) My ability to listen. People are comfortable opening up to me

3) My legs. They have always been the most toned thing on my body.

4) My organization/cleaniness. I'm good at organizing, and I love being clean

5) My music talents: I play several instruments and write stuff now and then

What about you?

Mid week

I went running monday :) I am glad I did! I also went to the gym and did lots of squats, lunges and bum exercises.

Say GOODBYE to bums

I am in a really good mood because... I'm going to pay off a loan!!! I'll be 100 % debt free


and

Its warm outside :)

Stay strong everyone!!

Monday

intake:
toast
iced coffee
banana
luna bar

I feel okay with the intake. The toast wast at 3:00 in the morning. Coffee at 10:30. Banana and bar at 3:30. I'm spreading it out.

Why did I eat at 3:30 in the morning?

P asked me if I wanted to eat when I got to his apartment around 6:00 last night. I said no. I was busy blogging and what not. Then 4 hours later I asked him if he'd make me something.

"I try to feed you and you say no" then he looks up at the clock "but then when its 10:30 you want something"

So i refused what he offered. Because i'm such a fucking burden on him, but he complains when he doesn't see me eat. I got into bed at 1:30 and tossed until 3:30. Got up at 5:30 and went to work.

I need to go running
but i also want to lay down and catch up on sleep
sigh.
I should run!!
thin is what i want more than anything right now

Why is it?

I just took this picture: My legs in non-skinny jeans
This is a picture is from yesterday: P decided he wanted to try on my skinny jeans

He is covering his goods, those are mine! Except I've never had him in that way. . . beside the point.

I feel so fat. Granted I'm not wearing the same jeans
perhaps I should do that later tonight and compare

My period is pretty much done. I always feel huge when I'm on it
Now what?
I want to lose weight again
but real weight loss
possibly extreme
why?

P loves my body
I weigh less than him
what is the driving force to be less?

Its not so much looks for me
its the control

what is my game plan??
no idea.
any ideas?
diets?
i feel lonely right now

Whats been on my mind

Whenever the day comes

I want to look fragile

Slim

Glowing

This week has been better than last week

I ran over 3 miles on monday

my Pace is getting faster!!

Tuesday I worked out for Two hours

cardio, legs, lots of butt, stretching

Yesterday I ran with P

but had little strength to go for 3 miles

i felt worthless

Today: I woke up feeling blue

and still am

Sometimes I feel like whenever I try to progress

in any aspect of my life

Its all for naught

I'm keeping a positive attitude as best I can :)

My period is supposed to start soon

i don't think thats making my mood any happier

Ah well.

My Soon To Be University just beat Florida

in the NCAA

Music is my Escape

This week was...

Good exercise wise: Monday - Ran 3 miles
Tuesday - Toned but, thigh, calves, hips and Elipcital - 1 hr +
Wednesday - Ran 3 miles
Thursday - toned upper back, triceps, lower stomach - 30 min cardio 1.5 hr
Friday - :( yeah
Saturday - Snow boarding

Food: Shit. I should be murdered

This week I will try to post everyday if I can. I am going to continue working out and running :) P is a good running partner. I am going to try and fast at least 3 days, consecutively if I can. It will just feel good to be light. YOu know? Sorry I've been absent. I miss and love you all. I read your blogs daily and post when I can.

Keep fighting


Here is a little different type of thinspo :)

i wish things were as simple as black and white

nothing tastes as good

as being thin feels

today: Good for intake

But I am very depressed. if i continue to feel this way i'll explain tomorrow

stay strong!!