Sleeping

Today I hid from the world by sleeping. Yes. Signs of another season of depression? Probably. But I am going to try and take 5HTP again(herbal supplement containing seratonin)

I have taken anti depressants twice in my life. Each time for only a few months. They worked to help stabilize things, but in the end I feel better without them. I'd rather be able to feel all my emotions, instead of just feeling that numbing zombie like buzz.

So I slept until 1:00. I worked out on the treadmill. My but is still sore from doing the stair climber for 30 minutes straight on Monday. I love exercise.

I know I said I wanted to fast, but I got ahead of myself. I knew if I tried to fast too soon, I would end up over eating.

So I ate:

1 piece of toast
Pudding cup
Handful of raw almonds

Builder protein bar
Watermelon jolly rancher sucker

Chicken tortilla soup
1 piece of toast
Frozen yogurt

You know, I am not disappointed with that. I haven't dropped any weight since Monday, but I am already starting to see a change in my waist.

Xoxo

Lapsing Relapse

I am on the verge of a relapse. The source of the stress I am feeling in my life is a

long story

so I will spare you the head ache and skip to what it has produced. I am in a physics class so i just have to use a formula:

Stress + ED = potential triggers hmm not sure if that works. dang.

There has been stress building up, slowly. And then all the sudden i'm being sucked into "negative coping skills" as treatment would teach me. What caused the sudden reaction? A really big stress.

I am blabbing. We are being taken advantage of by our old Landlords. For whatever reason, because there are several factors, that feeling (being taken advantage) is one of the biggest triggers for me. I start to feel invisible, voiceless, powerless. I instantly want to gain control of something.

So I've been doing well at not using my ED to cope, but I let this landlord stress get to me, and I gave in to a few behaviors.

Starting with: cutting. just a small one, minimal bleeding. My husband still doesn't know.

Then: restricting (not a ton, but when i get stressed like this I find it easier to not feel hungry, i feel more emotions.

And last night: I was watching ED movies all day, A secret between friends, Sharing a secret, hunger point. Well. I had a reasonable dinner. But I wanted to skip my dinner and was mad that I decided to heat. so. fastest way to get rid of the food in my stomach...you know

I told my husband about purging last night.

and i cried. i felt scared

he handled things very well.

but i am still struggling and I want to start restricting again. I know what i would be getting myself into:

thoughts being consumed with food, isolation, depression, emotional, dysfunctional

AHHHH

But somehow i feel like i function better with it. Ugh

Tomorrow I am going to try and liquid fast until dinner, when I'll eat with my husband. I want to lose 8 pounds.

ok really i want to lose 18 pounds. It's easy to do it during the colder season.

I can't focus in class right now because of these thoughts. If you read this, thank you.

Itch

I just want to be skinny again. I want my hip bones


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Why is it so hard

Below are my new running shoes. No one told me how to break them in properly, so maybe I've been healing from some pretty bad blisters for a week :p


Okay the title of this post is maybe too dramatic for how I am feeling and what I'm thinking.
I look in the mirror and rarely like what I see. I ran across some pictures of me a year ago. 15 lbs lighter. I felt a lot more confident with myself. Was I too skinny? I don't think so. I have been skinnier.
I run and exercise a pretty good amount. But I still feel chubby. It frustrates the hell out of me really.
I am afraid to cut back or calorie count because I know I will get obsessive, and with school starting I need to use my brain power there.
I swear when I was restricting I could focus on projects easier. Noe that my brain isn't always thinking about being anorexic, coupled with my ADHD, I have more to think about. Ha ha.

So what to do? I think I need to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I do pretty well on my days off. But night time can be bad too. I think my worst days are weekends. So perhaps i'll have two goals this week.

1: no eating after 8:00 (I know that might sound late but I usually don't get home from work until 6:30.
2: 1-2 sweets for the weekend.

I have been in the process of moving :( Bleh. I can't wait to be in our new place.

My puppy has been so much fun! I love running around with him (gives me more exercise too :). He is a ball of energy for an hour and then he'll sleep for three. I love him

Puppy love!!

This is my new puppy!!

Running is Cleansing

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body

but at the same time not pooping too soon

I ran 4 miles today

1) 11:20

2) 9:30

3) 10:47

4) 10:52

So total time was around 33 minutes

I enjoy running during the hottest time of day

it makes it harder to keep a fast pace

but i like the challenge

i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite

obsessive

I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.

I have been doing more lifting and not just running

so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it

obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive

too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make

excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start

craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as

much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was

not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I

are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a

responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The

worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.

because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.

It's been a while

I've been quite the absent blogger. I will make some attempts to update a little, but no promises!

I was on a birth control, the depovera, for 9 months. I'd heard that it can sometimes make you gain weight. Up until the third shot I didn't notice anything. I started running a ton a few months ago, but my body shape was making little changes. So I don't know if the shot made me "gain" weight, but I definitely felt like it was kind of making me retain weight.

Now that I've been off it for a couple months I am finally starting to tone up! I had the muscle underneath it all ha ha.

My husband and i have also been trying to get to the gym together. It helps to have someone else making goals with you. I am trying not to do anything drastic. I could definitely eat a little better, but I've come a long way since going to the treatment center.

When I left the center I felt like I didn't know how to eat. I didn't like the ideas they put in my head. I had to redefine what and how I would eat.

It sucked.

Butt!! I am a lot happier these days. So that's good, right?

Its been gloomy a lot this summer. My thinspo for today is inspired by the weather outside: