so sick so sick of being tired

and oh so tired of being sick! - taking back sunday

I love that band.

So I just took my third test for this class. 76 percent. Now, before you think i'm stupid, this is a science class and the average is like a 60 precent. The last test had an A at 74 percent. I am happy!

I am not happy about my face and how chubby it looks in pictures. I want my old body back.

I've been wearing ankle weights like everyday ha ha. Every calorie counts, right?

Food stinks

I have agreed to go out to eat with a girl I met in treatment. She was the one that suggested dinner. I feel like I can't really make up any old excuse. She'd know. Plus, I want to see her. We really connected.

Last time I weighed in I was 135.8.

My husband has been baby sitting me a lot more with meals. He knows I've been cutting too. No reason to hide it. I know I need to stop.

I ran four miles yesterday! It felt soooo good. But I didn't stretch ha ha. Bad girl. Can't wait to go home and use my foam roller on my sore muscles.

I haven't been able to blog. My husband started getting annoyed with me reading your blogs.

I'll be back sooner than last time

Xoxo


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

why are you cutting such small bites

I went on a double date Saturday night. I felt pretty confident. I didn't eat a ton. I had:

b: half a pumpkin chocolate chip homemade muffin

soy mocha

l: chicken apple cashew salad, veggies, corn chips

So dinner at Texas Roadhouse (never thought I'd go here but my friend sold me when she said salmon) didn't scare me. I had one and a half of a small roll. Shared a frozen lemonade with hubby. a few peanuts. And then 1/4 sweet potato and 1/4 of my Salmon.

Well, whilst eating my friend asks me:

Why are you cutting your food so small

great. now all eyes are on me. she knows I have an ED and am struggling. It was so awkward. So effing awkward. Why did she have to say anything? I don't think people should ever comment on how someone eats. I talked to my husband about it last night, and he agreed.

He said one time he was at work, eating a few spoonfuls of ice cream out of the tub. He didn't want to get a bowl, it was his ice cream. Then someone walks in and says "what are you doing oinker? going to eat the whole tub to yourself?" He said

that pissed me off

and I don't even have an eating disorder

Stooopid people. stupid. stupid. stupid.

Workout for the weekend. Stair climber, 30 min. Lazy me

Today. was.

interesting.

I rented "The Black Swan" and watched part of it during work. Very triggering if you have an ED or suffer a multiple personality. ha. that's me. I don't think I'm bi polar, but when I get sucked into my ED its like I have two people talking to me.

anyway.

I didn't get to finish all of it before I drove to coach my swim team. On my way there I was kind of having a breakdown. I texted my sister who has recovered from years of bulimia/anorexia etc, and who is also a therapist. We did some guided imagery therapy. I told her that the Center for Change taught me how to cope and blah blah blah. But I never felt like I learned how to deal with the "real problem".

She didn't pressure me to come back anytime soon. She just said

I love you

let me know if you need to come back

It was nice to talk to someone who understands.

I went to the gym just a while ago.

biceps, lower back, shoulders and abs

25 min bike

15 min eliptical

I'm weighing myself in the morning.

Quckie

Here is today's intake. It says "late dining" but that's only because I entered it at night.


Total: 1,000

I was on the go pretty much all day. I was also on my feet almost all day. Once I finally got done working I went to my sisters house to help them move.

Lost of lifting and walking up stairs. I count that as my workout. Besides, my butt is so sore from yesterday's workout. I did like 60 lunges.

3 sets of 20(10 each leg)
Rd 1: normal
Rd 2: diagonal, so right leg goes across left, vice versatile
Rd 3: side squats/ lunges.

I also did a lot of incline on the treadmill. Here is a good butt workout.
Speed 3.5-4.0.
5 min warm up
2 min : 2.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min 4.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 6.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 4.0
2 min: 0
2 min: 2.0
2 min: 0
5 min Warm down
30 min total.

Yesterday I went all the way to 8.0, repeated twice then went back down. You will feel my pain if you do this workout. The best thing is that I don't get bored, and I am in the fat burning range.

I'm trying to decide if I'll weigh in tomorrow or wait a couple more days.

i love skinny jeans

I also love fall because you can bundle yourself up, and I feel a little more confident in my skinnies when I'm not so exposed up top.

Weigh in: 137.2. UGH that is such a big number to me. Before treatment I was in the 120-125. I am however pleased with my weigh in. Intake today? I don't know how I feel.

b: toast (2) 220

l: chicken and rice 400?

skittles: 220 (bad of me)

cheese sticks lindt chocolates(purged)

d: 1/2 spinach greek wrap ? 400?

under 1500.

Out put:

weights: triceps, biceps, back, lunges

1 miles run - 10 min

35 min treadmill fast walking, alternating incline

20 min bike.

I'm guessing at least 500

I have a headache from purging. Why did I do it? Anxiety. Frustration. Stress. I didn't want to cut.

I am the "manager" at my salon. My boss moved about an hour away to finish school. She comes down "once" a week. We are currently losing business. I predicted this would happen when she left. She is making money by doing nothing, so she doesn't have to provide for herself.

We stylist however, have bills to pay. Since we make commission, sitting around not doing clients is not helpful. I personally have enough clientelle to make due, but yeah. Long story short. I set up a meeting for all of us, so we can try and get some change happening.

My fears: my boss gets defensive, she doesn't want to change things, i have to find a new job because i am getting tired of working under someone who doesn't care about "her" salon anymore.

Ok. gotta study.

sweater weather

b: toast with a pat of butter - 150?

s: banana - 90

l: chicken soft taco + mt dew - 210 + 220

s: skittles 230

d: 5 piece nuggets + sweet and sour sauce 280

= 1, 180

So now i'm trying to decide if I will allow myself a final thing to eat. Its a slimfast bar, 200 cal. I would be pleased to be at 1400 today. I definitely think I need to cut out the calorie drinks. Water. Water water. right? I love water. Unfortunately water doesn't have caffeine.

I can't cut back a lot of calories too sudden. For one, I'm afraid of binges. I would rather allow myself food when I still want it, not Everytime I want it, but you know what I mean. I also can't put myself in the dangerzone. I don't want to argue with people. I don't want to talk to a therapist. I don't want to even think about treatment.

So for those of you who think 1400 is too much. It's not too much for me.

can you tell that I'm 'afraid of what people think of me?

I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Scary. Sort of.

Does anyone have blogs they'd recommend? Or if you are a follower, and I don't follow you, let me know!

xoxo

smiles

I've been reading your blogs today. Everyone seems to be in a similar funke.

I wish I could help you out. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. When I have been really really down, I remind myself of this: Nothing is constant. Change happens for better or for worse. So which will you make it?

I don't have a lot to say today. I slept until 12. I hate the period. ooo do I hate it.

I went to the gym and did 55 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of abs. I did this while reading my homework. Two birds with one stone!

my husband asked what I was doing just now. he was mad to find out that I was reading your blogs. I am going to bed.

xoxo