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Thursday, June 2, 2016

Need A Release

It's Been A Long Time

Holy cow. I can't believe it's been two years since I have written anything on here. Maybe that means I'm growing up? Or maybe it means I've been buys. (But seriously, no one blogs anymore and it depresses me.)

The Past Two Years

I went back to school
I started going back to school full-time in fall 2014. This was a huge step for me as I essentially quit working and moved in the basement of my families house. 

I had my first child
My husband and I decided to get pregnant the same time I went back to school. . . yeah. There was a plan in place, I would pretty much be done withs school by the time the baby came and all would be well. 

Except I got put on bedrest at 26 weeks and had to drop out of my classes my second semester back. That was discouraging but I made my husband promise me that he would help me get my degree–no matter what!

The baby girl was born a month early and spent 11 days in the NICU. But she is super healthy, smart, and I just love her so much. Motherhood has come very naturally to me. It's not always easy, of course. It is just a different way of living life, but I was ready for it. 

Surprise Baby #2
Okay so things were going great. I stopped nursing. I got back on adderall. And then in February I realized that I was well overdo for my period. I wasn't feeling any different–unlike previous pregnancies where I have had tender boobs, cramping, etc–but I thought, what the heck I'll take a test. 

To my utter dismay my test was POSITIVE. I was very pissed for the first little while. I didn't believe the tests were true until I had it confirmed with a blood test from my doctor. 

But, my husband was excited. And after a few days of being annoyed and a therapy appointment, I have mostly been fine with it. I was just worried this would affect my graduation plan. (Plus, this is what happens when you have sex. Nothing is 100% baby proof except abstinence.)

I Walked In My Graduation in April
I got to walk in my graduation! My husband also walked with his school and it was a glorious day. I can't believe I finally got to do it. The only thing I have left to do until I officially have my degree is finishing an internship (I'm halfway done).

I'm struggling. I've had some things from my past (that I've been avoiding and minimizing) surface. I don't know why it is happening now. I think it is partly triggered from being the weight I am, and not being able to do much about it. I had a visit with my therapist and I'm going back next week. He gave me some assignments but I'm scared to do them.

This is why I'm writing again. I need a place to release my feelings and hope that at least one person out there can relate. I'm so triggered right now. If I wasn't pregnant I would have already been relapsing. Heck, in my mind I'm relapsing, I'm just protecting my mind from my new baby (who, but the way, is another girl).

I'm 22 weeks along right now, and hoping this pregnancy is much smother than last. Last pregnancy I was put on bedrest at 26 weeks. And my very first pregnancy was a tragedy which you can read about here. 

Well that's all for now. 

1 comment:

désespérée de maigrir said...

Congratulations on babies and graduations!! Why an exciting time for you and your wee family! I've been sort of up to date because I follow you on IG (I'm teamperramaker... Hi!!)

It's good to hear from you, but I wish you were doing better. Hang in there and remember how far you've come and how much progress you've made. Bravo as well for talking to your therapist about it.