You're not alone

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Need somewhere to talk

It hurts to write this post. I won't go into much detail, but I need to talk openly somewhere.

I went to the hospital Friday afternoon thinking I would just be getting some tests done. Within a few hours the doctor was telling me I had preeclampsia, and that the only way to treat it was to deliver the baby. There was just no chance of the baby surviving at such a young age.

Heart broken, we got to see her moving one more time on the ultrasound. And then the inducing began, 35 hours later I gave birth to our little girl. She was still born.

We named her Olive. After her great-great-great grandma. She looked so much like her Dad.

I was finally released from the hospital Wednesday. 5 days in the hospital. I am still recovering. I have lost almost 20 pounds of water that I was retaining.

There is so much positive to look at. But it's so hard on me to understand why this happened. It seems so unfair. I am lucky to be alive in someways. But I really miss having that little being inside of me. I'll meet her again, and I know she understood, and would want it to be the way it is.

I fear what comes next. Depression. Self harm. Restricting. Am I strong enough to fight it? I honestly don't know. I hope, for Olive, I can be stronger.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

12 comments:

Peridot (G+P) said...

*Wraps you in a massive hugs*

This SUCKS.

I had no idea preeclampsia could be that bad. My friend got it in her last trimester and they kept her in hospital as long as they could until inducing. It seems she must have had a less severe form than you.
http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/preeclampsia-eclampsia

*More hugs*

Sometimes, bad shit happens to good people. You are one of the most wonderful people I know. You two will meet again, and right now she is probably watching over you the way you did and would have continued to watch over her as she grew. Olive is an angel, one of your angels. Sometimes children are meant to be literal angels, instead of figurative angels. (By figurative I mean looking angelic when they sleep but causing all sorts of hassle during their waking hour *Glares at little brothers*)

You can fight it, you're stronger than you think. Remember that you are AWESOME and Olive picked YOU before she had to change her plans. You are a wonderful person and you are loved very much.

*Hugs and love*

Nee said...

Oh my God I am so SO unbelieveably sorry to hear this :(
I hope you can feel better in some way soon..
You will meet Olive again and she will never forget who her mammy and daddy are. Xxx

Christina said...

Oh my, this is awful. I'm so sorry. I know that there isn't anything I can say that will make this better but know that we're always here for you.

Things will get better, you can get through this.

xx

Stick Thin said...

Thank you all for your sweet words. It was a very rare case to develop it so early. Most people get it in their third trimester. When I came into the hospital my kidneys were already failing. Ugh. Scary stuff.
She was so beautiful and perfect looking. I'll never forget

Miranda said...

I'm so sorry for you and your husband. It must be so tough to deal with. To have to deliver a baby that won't make it. The hurt will get better but of course you'll never forget her. There may not be a why. You and your hubby really need to be there for each other.

xXzapxfireXx said...

I don't know what to say. Nothing like this should ever happen to a person. ever.
Sending my love and prayers for you, you're hubby and little Olive.

Em said...

I am so incredibly sorry... I know I don't have the right words help you during this time, but know that my heart goes out to you and Olive. ...

SkinnyLittleMe said...

You poor dear, I can't even imagine. You're so incredibly strong, I'm sending my well-wishes

K said...

That is so sad. I'm just so incredibly sorry

désespérée de maigrir said...

Wow. I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through.

I think that is one of the hardest things in life, knowing that God has this great plan for each person and yet not understanding how all of the things that happen to us, good and totally awful, fit into the plan. As horrible as this may be, I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that God has a plan for you, and while no one can understand it now, this awful thing will work into it to be something so much sweeter.

You are amazing and strong, and we all admire the woman you've become as we have been reading your blog all this time.

Rest in heavenly peace, Olive. You are loved and missed.

Stick Thin said...

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am not bitter, and in some ways glad there might not be a why. Because that means I had no pre existing reason that may have caused it.

She was a beautiful baby

PaperDoll Perfection said...

Oh no...
This is incredibly sad. Hope you and your husband get through this.
RIp Olive, she's a real angel right now <3 <3