You're not alone

Friday, November 5, 2010

Toning up

Me in a Vintage slip I found at an antique store a few months ago. It fit too well to not buy

My obliques are finally toning up.

I still have a lot of work to do on my arms.

My arms are usually the last thing to get toned on my body. It's how I've always been.

I ate less than 100 calories yesterday and worked out for about 50 minutes.

My breasts are huge. They shrunk a size when I was my thinnest. Well. Even the beginning of this year they were a little smaller. P loves them big. I just feel uncomfortable. Before the wedding I bought like 4 good Victorias Secret bras. That helps me feel a little better. Sigh. Genetics.

Yesterday I went to Center for Change (CFC) to ask some more questions and get a tour. The story is long, you don't have to read it.

It was a joke. A JOKE! I left super pissed, freaked out, and felt like no one listened to me Let me tell you what went down.

I meet Pam and she asks me what questions I had and how I was feeling.

Me: I am still apprehensive. I know everyone is different but I'd like to know more about what my stay here will be like.
P: here is a schedule of in patient program. (she discussed some of he things)
Me: what options do I have since I'm lactose intollerant
P: the dietitians will give you a lactate pill to help with the digestion
Me: A Lactate pill? I was vegan for a long time, it pretty much killed any tolerance I had for dairy. I have tried using those and it had no affect on me. (I started speaking with an annoyed tone of voice). Do you have other options? I don't really enjoy too much soy product.
P: well I'm not sure exactly, but there are soy products. I remember you saying you were vegetarian but...
Me: I eat fish and turkey the most. Chicken every once in a while.
P: I'm going to have one of our dietitians come in and answer some of these questions. We don't have a 'vegetarian' menu. If they serve a hamburger, they don't have a veggie option. (the dietitian entered) This is Mindy. She has a concern about the Lactate pill and used to be vegetarian.
D: well the Lactate pill is given to those who are lactose intolerant.
Me: (repeating myself) those don't work for me.
D: well, what symptoms do you have? (sounding like she didn't believe me, or I was trying to fake it)
Me: it depends on what form. For example i had 3 bites of cheesecake last week and within 10 minutes i started feeling the affects. Some will just cause bloating, gas, or stomach cramps. Some can block me up. If I get too much dairy constantly I start getting migraines.
D: so have you tried soy?
Me: I use almond product. Is there any way I could use that here
D: well it doesn't have the right content(calories??just say it), we have soy options. And then we could give you the lactate pill as well to help with any dairy that is already mixed in food.
Me: ok that's fine. I hate soy but I can deal with it, dairy is something I physically can't digest. What about meat? I eat turkey and fish.
D: what about chicken.
Me: I have to be in the mood for it or I struggle with. And since eating meat I haven't touched red meat.
D: well maybe it's just the type of red meat. Maybe you don't like steak, but you'll like hamburger mixes with spaghetti sauce if you try it.
Me: I can tell you right now I can't stand hamburger meat. I nibbled on some to 'give it a try'. Does not appeal in the least bit.
D: well if you opt out of eating something then we give you Boost, which is a liquid meal replacement.
Me: ok that's fine
D: but if you choose that, every 8th Boost might push you back in the program. (so I'm punished for not wanting to eat red meat? Hells bells. What if I was still vegetarian, or vegan)

More bull crap for a few minutes

P:so what other questions?
Me:I know that phase 1 people can't exercise. But I see on here that there is at least walking
P: well actually, you aren't allowed that in Phase 1. And since you will only be here for 3 or so weeks you might not get to at all. (I must have given her a look of some sort. Because from this point forward we kind of started arguing). From what I remember we were doing treatment based off your requests. We'd do a short in patient and then switch to day treatment...
Me: this was based off what I could do financially, and how much time I could take off from coaching. I want to know if I did day program if I'd be allowed to leave to coach and come back.
P: well I don't think they would he ok with that. What time do you coach? ( I told her) hmm. We could look at Intensive Out Patient but that starts when you'd be coaching.
Me: well I don't feel like I could take more than 4 weeks off coaching. That's not honest, I wouldn't feel good taking the money I earn.
P: what do you do before you coach?
Me: you mean right now? I work. I have a full time job.
P: oh so coaching isn't your only job? Or...
Me: I don't do it for the money but it is a job.
P: .... Tell me what you are hoping to achieve from this. What are you able to do.
Me: my boss at the salon doesn't expect me to be back to work after 3 weeks. She is willing to work with me. I knew I would probably do some day treatment. But if i had to take more time away from coaching I would have to resign. I'm glad the woman I coach with is understanding and willing to work with me too.
P: well. I just don't know how realistic or beneficial it would be to not get more treatment. And I don't think they'd be okay win you leaving. What about your therapist? Is she willing or ready to handle you when you leave inpatient? What does she think?
Me: we haven't ever discussed the 'after' (bitch. Getting me to even want to do inpatient was a struggle. Are you trying to discourage me from it? Are you a therapist?) So I don't have an answer for you. But I do know she wants me to get back to coaching. She knows it makes me happy. I mean, if I had to, I could go back to coaching in January. That is when the important meets are. I could also maybe coach 2-3 times a week if that makes it better. But at this point I am just going by how I feel. If I don't feel like this place is going to work for me I'll leave. I am not going to waste anyones time or money.
P: they might be able to let you go if it's only a few times (she didn't sound very convincing)
Me: (uttelry annoyed) are rooms shared?
P: (sudden change of mood) Yes. Would you like to go on tour

I didn't say much as she showed me around. I didn't show much enthusiasm when she asked if I liked art or music. Which I do, by the way.

Then we walk through the dining area. I see a girl with a feeding tube, everyone is looking at me. I look forward, down. Smile but try to avoid eyes. I was wearing my husbands sweatshirt, they probably thought I was rude, or maybe the skinny ones wondered why I was there.

I was happy to leave. I immediately called the husband.
Per: perfect timing!
Me: per?
P: what is it sweetheart.
Me: I can't do it
P: can't do what?
Me: I just visited CFC. I can't analyze myself morning to night.
P: well. Let me call you back

Glad he was too busy because I hadn't collected my thoughts.

Later in the evening he listened intently to what happened while I was there. And he understood and agreed that I had good reason to feel mistrust in them.

Per: they probably see you as a patient.
Me: do I look THAT sick? I felt like no one was listening and taking me seriously
Per: next week when we meet with the therapist I'll bring all this up, we'll work it out. Thanks for trying to go with an open mind.

Maybe in patient is too much. Maybe in patient would only make it worse. Or. Maybe it's just that woman. Pam.

When I first went there I met with another lady, she gave me hopeful feelings. I didn't start doubting until this Pam lady started contacting me.


MyNameIsMellon said...

I can definately understand this situation as I have gone through it twice myself. Remember that they analyze EVERYTHING you say as s patient consumed by the eating disorder. They don't really see you as a person, but as a troubled soul. Try to take what you can out of the program (its worth it to get your life back, hon.)and deal with your issues. Inpatient can be intense (zero to no exercise and barely any tolerance for exceptions to the meal plan)but helpful if you try to do the work you actually need. Also, its possible that THAT treatment center is not the one for you. Its best if you find one that appeals directly to your specific needs (for example, Castlewood deals specifically with EDs and trauma in relationship to the development of EDs). If you don't think that place is good for you, maybe try looking at some other places.
Good Luck hon. Thinking of you <3

MyNameIsMellon said...

The Renfrew Center has vegetarian options for all meals and will teach you the "proper" way to portion vegetarians foods (e.g beans tofu, peanut butter, nuts, quinoa, etc.) to meet your protein needs. They also will work with you dairy concerns. They have a base meal plan which they work with, but they tailor each meal plan to the individuals needs.

Kamikazzi_Massacre said...

Ughh thats frustrating the inpatient program I was in the dietician made special arrangements for me when I was eating red meat but I had to eat more and when I reached a certain level I was able to have some food brought from home after it was "inspected". I hope you find a better place is there any more treatment places in your area?

Stick Thin said...

I have tried looking for others in the area, but I've only found one other relatively close. So maybe I should look out of state. I had confidence in this place at one point, but this stupid lady shattered it. Thanks for the advice

Peridot (G+P) said...

Der gaod, do they have wax in your ears? Your brain in certainly still functioning. Fucking idiots probably thought you were trying to wiggle out of things. They'd probably try to make a Coeliac eat bread! *Facewall*

*Huggles* I hope you can find a place that will listen to you, or get these twitsticks to listen up <3

hezza said...

You just need to do what's best for your families health. You are married now & I can tell your husband will be there for you through everything, its really adorable.

In response to your comment, I was taking a metabolism & energy pill twice a day and 6 fiber pills twice a day which made me feel full so I had NO urge to eat. I ate 1 rice cake with my vitamins tuesday morning and nothing wednesday. Gotta take it slow for a while :/

Mich said...

Someone really needs to re-vamp those programs I think. That's bs about the soy and no vegetarian options. Don't they understand that lactose intolerance is not always something that can be fixed with lactaid?? Those pills do NOTHING for me either.

I love that slip--it's hot!

I hope everything works out for you, hun! Do what feels right for you.

Anonymous said...

I'd kill to have your body. Its exactly how I want mine to be. I stil have a LONG way to go to get it anywhere near that.

Stephanie said...

eww those people sound so annoying! I would be pissed too.
and that slip is gorgeous(: