I don't approve of people gloating in their happiness. Its great if you can find happiness, and even mention it to others. But there is a fine line between being grateful, and then just being "Hey Look At Me! Oh my goodness I am so happy. I'm sorry you aren't as happy as me" Its called showing humility.
So anyway. I had a pretty good day. I'm getting a little bit better and my mood is improving because of that :) P came over today and we watched discovery channel, cuddled, and played match maker with my new roomie and his band member.
Tonight we went out to his car to make out. He he i love making out but pretty much we want to make love. I practice abstinence before marriage... geh. He had made a few comments about my body.
"you looked good when I came back, and you look healthier now. But I fell in love with you when you weighed whatever you weighed 4 years ago. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you were sexier back then"
Before you blast the man I love, keep in mind, he is a man.
We grew closer together tonight, simply because I was very open with my eating disorder. I am amazed at how he handles the issues at hand. I love him dearly because he reminds me of what is important. I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to purge ( even though I nearly did last night out of old habit).
I want control, but I don't want to die. I feel like Ana is sometimes a demon inside me, telling me what to do. I don't like to say that, but its true.
So what am I going to do? Do I half-ass try? Because even if I'm not underweight, under-eating is bad for the body. The long term effects are dangerous. Do i get help? Talk to someone, like he suggested?
I'm just happy to have him again.
Date taken: 4/3