Need somewhere to talk

It hurts to write this post. I won't go into much detail, but I need to talk openly somewhere.

I went to the hospital Friday afternoon thinking I would just be getting some tests done. Within a few hours the doctor was telling me I had preeclampsia, and that the only way to treat it was to deliver the baby. There was just no chance of the baby surviving at such a young age.

Heart broken, we got to see her moving one more time on the ultrasound. And then the inducing began, 35 hours later I gave birth to our little girl. She was still born.

We named her Olive. After her great-great-great grandma. She looked so much like her Dad.

I was finally released from the hospital Wednesday. 5 days in the hospital. I am still recovering. I have lost almost 20 pounds of water that I was retaining.

There is so much positive to look at. But it's so hard on me to understand why this happened. It seems so unfair. I am lucky to be alive in someways. But I really miss having that little being inside of me. I'll meet her again, and I know she understood, and would want it to be the way it is.

I fear what comes next. Depression. Self harm. Restricting. Am I strong enough to fight it? I honestly don't know. I hope, for Olive, I can be stronger.


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Ombré

Had fun doing some subtle ombré highlights on the mannequin.

I am secretly hoping no one comes in to the salon in the next hour. I need to rest my chubby swollen feet.

Since i've been pregnant my patience has gone down. Especially for my husband. I think I am a pretty cool wife. He plays in two bands, drums in two I should specify. He drives 60 totals miles per week for one band, the other is local. But Monday-Thursday night he is usually out late. And if he has shows that weekend it feels non stop.
For the most part, I don't complain. Things will be a lot different when baby is here, so I am trying not to hold him back. Yet, I feel like a lazy butt because he comes home to a less than tidy house. He says it stresses him out. I then interpret that as I am a bad wife. I am trying my best to manage school, work, pregnancy, house, and dog.
I miss running. I miss gym. I miss taking care or MYSELF. I miss my ankles lol.



Pretty bad right?

Emma Watson!

She is cute

Thyroid

I visited my chiropractor this morning. He found my thyroid was out of whack, sent me home with 4 different supplements, and I feel a lot more at ease. Nothing seemed to be alarming to him.

It all makes sense now. My chest had been feeling off. Breathing was a little hard for me. And I have been so terribly sluggish on the morning. It's just hard to know if it's pregnancy related or not.

Will this solve the swelling? We'll see. I know that swelling is just part of pregnancy. I have cut back my hours at work, I am a hair dresser. I hope it helps a little with the swelling. I have been such a baby.

I was running a lot before the pregnancy. But my first 17 weeks or so were pretty bad. Throwing up every morning, and feeling nausea afternoon and night. I also have been taking some hard classes and working a lot. I was coaching a swim team up through February. Needless to say I haven't done much to stay active, other than walking back and forth to campus.

If I am going to have to cut back at work, I will be at home more. Today I planned to get a lot done, but I threw up three times before 11. So. I was lazy and pissed off.

Right now I am stretching my legs, doing some light calisthenics, and want to drop by the gym to do some bike or elliptical. I want to be strong for my birth. I will tell you more about that tomorrow.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hello again

I feel alone right now. And I miss being able to feel a sense of community through blogger.

To catch up on my life... I am pregnant. Lol. It kind of happened when we weren't exactly trying, but in the end we at excited. Scared, yes. Nervous, yes. Here is a picture of her profile.





So yes it's a girl.

I have of course been struggling with my changing body. I try not to think about it and be too self conscious. I believe the baby feels what I feel, and I don't want her to already have a low self esteem.

This past week I have experienced terrible swelling. Like my legs probably retained an extra 5-10 pounds of water. So I have worn sweats for 4 days now lol. I got to rest up yesterday and today. But now my ankles are so sore! I am going to see my chiropractor uncle. Hopefully my blood pressure is ok and I just need to get off my feet more.

I am almost done with this semester. I have been taking statistics and math. 5 more weeks. Bleh.

Hope everyone is doing well. Looking forward to catching up.