7 years later - hello blog world

 I searched this blog tonight and realized I didn’t even remember how to post on it. 

This blog holds so much history and storytelling for almost a decade of my life. 

I know we’ve all moved on past blogs. Onto snap chat, instagram, tik tok. 

I’m still here. I might write some new posts as to where my life is now. We’ll see. 

For now I’m finding some peace knowing I haven’t lost ability to continue sharing a story. 

What "To The Bone" Got Right and We're All Looking Past

Old drafted post i just found (august 30 2024)

Ok, I've watched as many ED related movies, documentary, shows, etc that exist in the intergalactic world of the internet. Whether it's a high school volleyball player who is taught by her best friend, a ballet dancer with a mother for a therapist ("who should have seen it coming?!", paraphrasing quote from the movie), documentary in treatment centers in different parts of the world or terrible episodes of Dr. Phil or Intervention.

I don't recommend anybody watch this garbage because it's only fueling sterotypes and not really spreading education (insert eyeroll). In fact, you'd be better watching My 600 Pound Life because at least in that show Dr. Nowazardan sends his patitents to therapy because he knows nothing changes without therapy.

To The Bone Doesn't Teach Someone How To Have An Eating Disorder

Since I have an eating disorder and am currently in recovery (7 years baby, haven't relapsed in the past 3 years), I am more connected with people who are affected by this movie. I've been through a little inpatient/outpatient care and am part of groups and have friends who have had a hard time with this movie. 

Top comments I see: "this is so triggering", "this is not realistic", "that's not how impatient is", and so on. I understand everyone is at different levels of what they can handle. I don't recommend someone with an eating disorder or recovering from one to watch it if they are sensitive to this type of material. 

But at least this movie doesn't SHOW someone how to develop an eating disorder!!! Yes, I said it. That's how I feel. If you watch most movies or TV shows previously mentioned, they focus a lot on the behaviors. Dr Phil shows the cycle of very sick people binge eating, or weighin themsleves. Intervention follows the person around and documents their behaviors. Movies about someone who suffers an ED shows time and time again how they start, develop and begin recovery. 

THAT is triggering to me. Not watching a crappy movie (ultimately i felt like this movie was poorly written), of a girl who was already in an eating disorder. 

What it showed:

• Emaciated Body of Ellen/Eli 3 times (the most extreme is at the end)
• Getting on the scale 2 times
• Doing Sit ups 3 times
• Drinking a big diet soda (the sweet nectar of life)
• Checking the size of her arm (probably the most repeated behavior)
• Refusing food
• Chewing and spitting–probably the most "let me show you how to have an Eating Disorder)

Severely triggered right now

I just spent some time reading the first year of this blog. WHO THE HELL WAS THAT PERSON?

Eating disorders are so depressing and what the friggin hell.

Despite this realization I'm fighting so hard to keep a healthy mindset. I want to be fit. I ant to be fit immediately but I know that's not how it works.

In other news, I've been feeling extremely lonely and like I have nobody to talk to.

About a week ago my ex boyfriend's wife started following me on Instagram. A little freaked out by this, but fully filled with curiosity I followed her back. I was happy to see that they recently became parents. And as I slightly stalked her account I was like.. huh this girl reminds me of myself. This girl seems like someone is probably get along with.

Well on Friday I commented on one of her posts before realizing it was her post. Was that allowed? I mean how did she find me in the first place? Why did she find me in the first place?

Well almost immediately she Pm'd me and I thought she was going to be like...wha the hell do you think you're doing commenting on my photos??? 😡😡😡😡.

It was quite the opposite. She said, I know it may be weird but He said we might have a lot in common...  and asked if I lived around the area. She mentioned the weirdness again.

Well, here is the thing. I didn't feel weird about it at all. In fact I was relieved that she messaged me.  The last time I saw my ex was 5 years ago. And before that it was over two years. We dated in 2009 for less than a year. I think he is a kind person and have never felt any real anger or hate or anything toward him. He dated me when I was extremely sick and in deep with my ED.

So how did his wife or why did his wife find me on IG? They moved out here about a year ago and she hasn't been able to make friends and the Ex said we might have some stuff in common. I guess I can ask her if he just told her to find me on Tuesday because we are going to meet up.

what a strange weekend but  I'm oddly excited. He was right that we have quite a bit we can relate to, kids, eating issues, child loss.

Does this sound like a movie? It does to me.

Tracking My Food Is

Frustrating.

I am angry at the nutritional content in most of our food. I decided to start tracking my food to just get a general idea of my macro nutrients and less focused on calories (but also good to know in general how much I'm consuming).

SUGAR IS IN EVERYTHING

And I'm ANGRY about that. The recommended daily intake for sugar is 25g.

Today I've had a banana (12g) and a Kasha bar (7g). I plan to have 4 mini cucumbers (2g) and Chunky Guacamole (1g).

Total: 23g

I have no idea what I'm going have for dinner, but I would love to have some blueberries tonight, and that would technically but me over the 25g. So here is what I really think: either nutritionists need to be more realistic with what is a reasonable amount of sugar to consume OR people that make the food need to reduce sugar. (Of course the power is all in my hands so I'm just complaining here.)

The natural sugar doesn't bother me (like from the cucumber, banana, and guac (there is tomatoes in the guac).

It's the sugar in the snacks I have. I am not afraid of sugar, I love sugar. I just want to be able to enjoy it when I want to enjoy it dammit!

I have been drinking diet sodas for years. And recently I decided to stop drinking them to see if it would help with some headaches I was experiencing. I didn't realize how much sugar is in 1 cup of regular soda:

To me, it feels like such a waste. Drinking juice feels like the same thing, a waste of sugar that doesn't really fill you up (I'm not much of a juice drinker anyway).

I guess this means hard work is ahead

Why do we make it so damn hard to get the right nutrition? I want this for me and my family. So I guess I'll be going on Pinterest to find "Home Made Granola Bars" and other such snacks to help me be healthier. Damn sugar. 

The Confrontation...

is done.

More Backstory

I had a comment on my last post from Bella about how usually abuse from young adults to children often occurs because it happens to them first. This is very true with my family. Unfortunately there is horrific, deep seeded abuse both internally and externally in my family. Most of it occurred on my father's side. My grandfather was a pedophile. I don't know how many children he abused, or where the abuse started  before him. And when I say horrific, I mean it. I don't know all the details but I know some of my siblings were given drugs while men would come over and rape them. Almost as if they were child prostitutes.

THANK GOD I did not have this happen to me.

So yes, there is the intellectual and systematic reason for why my sister decided to abuse me. And for that reason I have minimized the facts my whole life. But it needed to be called what it was. It was not just "acting out." She was a perpetrator that consciously decided to take advantage of another person.

The Confrontation Itself

Went well. It was anticlimactic but I did get an apology and she accepted responsibility. I understand why it was same sex now–she was abused by an older female cousin.

After I said what I needed to say and she accepted responsibility she said she could explain more about her abuse, and I told her I didn't really care to know at this time.

I told her I didn't want to talk about it further, I don't need to continue the conversation.

I told her if she felt like she needed to do further processing we could discuss it then.

I Still Want Control

For some reason I thought if I did this I would no longer want to be starving myself and controlling my food. But it is not the case.

Part of me knew this would not be the case.

I will do a follow up appointment with my therapist to process the confrontation and explore the control issue. I think being pregnant is definitely a contributing factor to where my head is currently at.

I Had Another Therapy Appointment

Yay for Therapy. It's sad that I have to pay $$ to feel validated. JUST KIDDING (mostly). 

I think therapy is a very useful thing and I think more people she get it!

I'm actually doing a lot better after yesterday's session. 

Last week all the emotions came. I did a lot of different ways to process. I was able to discuss things with him, and I'm not feeling as anxious. 

Next Step: Confrontation

And that is the hardest part of this all. My therapist was a little worried that confronting her would be too stressful for my pregnancy. But I think not confronting her would cause even more stress. It needs to happen and my goal is for it to happen in the next two weeks. 

He said I could do it over the phone. Which instantly made me perk up. I really don't feel comfortable doing it in person. I have a hard time seeing her photos pop up on my social media. 

Plus, it's not like I hurt her and am trying to make amends. She hurt me, and I should be able to do it in a less personal way–since I'm the effect of the cause. 

I will have question 

I tried this whole week not to focus on the "why," but I think there are a few things. Like how could you think this was okay, knowing the effects abuse had on you? Did you know you were jump starting my sexuality without my permission? Why same sex abuse? 

Things she needs to know

It was not okay. It jump started my sexuality and has affected that as I've grown. It has made me question my sexual attraction. It has made intimacy with my husband hard a times, that is completely unfair. It affects my relationship with her at this time, and I need a lot of space to let this process. 

Gosh. This is going to be hard. 

Time To Track Nutrients Again

The past year I have been in survival mode, mostly because of school (oh and that little human I now care for). I have eaten what is convenient, fast and cheap.

Before I got pregnant with this current baby, I FINALLY was losing weight. I had about 20-30 lbs I wanted to lose

But life doesn't always go as planned

In the long run, I'm actually not that made about being pregnant and not being able to lose weight before getting pregnant again. It would have been more ideal, but at least I didn't have to regain all over again.

I don't know my current weight (I was 154 at the start of my pregnancy–go ahead and puke now)/ It would be too much for me to handle. But I have decided to track my intake for the next few weeks to get a rough idea of how I'm doing. Yesterday I under ate (oops).

But at least it will help me try and get balanced nutrients. I want to cut back on sugars and carbs and up protein and good fats (gotta stock up the fat for breast feeding am I right?)

 

<3 p="">