When I look in the mirror I want to believe I am seeing what I really see. And to me it's rarely pretty. I wonder if I look as big as I think I am.
I bought some new clothes. Most of the shirts are loose fitting type, I feel pretty in them. I bought some jeans too. Size 26, which surprises me because I think I am probably bigger, these jeans are just a fluke.
I am very down and angry at life right now. It's not fair that I had to lose my baby. So many people have kids that don't want them. So many women go through pregnancy without complications.
I thought dealing with anorexia, anxiety, and depression was the hardest thing in life, but it's not. I really wanted to be a mother, and it's unfair that the perfect little being was not able to survive.
It feeds my ED. I was relapsing before I got pregnant. That was only put on hold because I was taking care of her. And the relapse continues. It's tiring to fight and want to try and recover, when the ED provides the numbness I crave right now.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone