You're not alone

Thursday, May 10, 2012

How do you know what you really look like

When I look in the mirror I want to believe I am seeing what I really see. And to me it's rarely pretty. I wonder if I look as big as I think I am.

I bought some new clothes. Most of the shirts are loose fitting type, I feel pretty in them. I bought some jeans too. Size 26, which surprises me because I think I am probably bigger, these jeans are just a fluke.

I am very down and angry at life right now. It's not fair that I had to lose my baby. So many people have kids that don't want them. So many women go through pregnancy without complications.

I thought dealing with anorexia, anxiety, and depression was the hardest thing in life, but it's not. I really wanted to be a mother, and it's unfair that the perfect little being was not able to survive.

It feeds my ED. I was relapsing before I got pregnant. That was only put on hold because I was taking care of her. And the relapse continues. It's tiring to fight and want to try and recover, when the ED provides the numbness I crave right now.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

4 comments:

Katie Ehrlich said...

I'm so sorry you lost your baby sweetie. I have lost two and placed one for adoption when I was very young. Things like this trigger relapse. If you ever need to talk, I would love to lend a shoulder. Stay strong. Here is a quote I had when written down for loss: "In angel in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth'" I know loss is hard. Trust me.
XOXO

Miranda said...

funny, i was just wondering the same thing. Our family is not objective about us. Are our friends really telling us the truth? I thought about finding a stranger to ask what they they think and begging them to be totally honest. Although I might not like what I hear. Anyhow, 26 is small. I'm 26 and I don't think I'm small so coming from me I don't know what that actually means! You are so young. When you are ready maybe someday you can try for another baby. I know it has to be hard. I don't really know what it's like. It'll get better though.

Peridot (G+P) said...

*Wraps you in a massive hug*

I wish there was a way to give you all my child-having karma.

Please take care of yourself, ok? You're one of the most amazing people I know and I don't want to lose you. I hope with all my heart that one day you're having your home ripped to bits by an adorable toddler or three and you'll be blogging photos of their crayon-wall-friezes to show us.

You're amazing and wonderful and your little angel is still with you, just not in a way you can see. One day there will be other little angels who come to stay and make your life so busy you won't know WHAT happened!

Love you so much.

*More hugs*

VictoriaCrimson said...

So sorry to read this - from what I hear, it's one of the hardest things to have to go through.

I hope you're feeling better as of recently, despite your cutting, etc. You truly are beautiful.