Cursed scale

I hate you. I got on yesterday, and wasn't surprised to see no change ha ha.



That is my post pregnant body. Ugh right? I try and tell myself it's not as bad as it looks. But yeah.


Secretly I don't believe in weighing oneself too often. There are too many variables to fluctuation of weight. Did you have a bm? Are you retainer water? Dehydrated? Fasting? You know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong, if you weigh yourself daily it's ok. I used to all the time. I just can't handle the stress and anxiety anymore. I also think my husband would worry if he catches me weighing myself ever.

I need to apologize to people that follow my blog. I read your blogs too! I just don't have internet access in my home at the moment and it makes it really hard to post. I sometimes will post on your blog from my phone, but it gets all weird. I love you all for your kind words. And I am thinking about you.

I just started an Instagram account too! If you have one follow me! I am able to comment a lot easier. Mine is: stickthin.

I need ideas for how to attack my weight loss. I need to get into an exercise routine. Even if it's just a little bit at a time. I currently don't have a gym pass. I love running outside. Anyone have ideas?



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Being Tan

Makes me feel skinnier. Anyone agree?

So I have had a busy week. We went camping with two other couples. I had a busy time trying to get gear and what have you. Last week I did go on one run. 5.4 miles!!

I went with a friend. I am so out of shape, but I am not going to beat my body to death just to try and keep up with someone. I listened to my body. Sometimes I ran fast, other times I slowed down.

Our first day of camping we did a 3 mile round trip hike. It was so windy up top! My poor 3 pound dog was struggling Ha ha. We also went and played in the river. I have no shame. Well. I do. But I didn't care. I was the only girl in a bikini. I have a post pregnant body, and no tan. Screw everyone! I like bikinis.

Our camping trip was overall fun. It was really windy. A little on the chilly side. It's always fun to just fart around and be away from civilization.

Yesterday was a really bad day. And I haven't told anyone. I should tell my husband why I got sick yesterday, but how do you explain this:

I was doing some drinking. Going through bags and boxes of shit that I didn't even know we had. I found some 'wal tussen'. I used to drink robotussen for a few months to get 'high', when I was 19.

Yesterday I decided to drink the bottle that was 3/4 full. For the first little bit I was fine. Then I just had to lie down and pass out. After about 3 hours of sleep I used the bathroom, I won't go there.

So going to the pool yesterday when my husband got home made me nervous. He didn't know why I got sick. And I can't tell him. I am afraid to tell him. I hate letting him down.

That stuff made me so sick. I am a dumb shit.

Today I will run and do a workout. I so excited for summer!

Cutting.

I don't want to do it, but I wind up doing it somehow. It had been a long time though.

It's embarrassing. I am a grown woman!

He doesn't understand 'why I would do such a thing'. And you can't explain it, because you just have to know what it feels like to have the urge to hurt yourself.

"you can't allow yourself to be happy. When things are going to well you have to do this"

Maybe I am possessed. I don't know why I do it.


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Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/johnny-cash-lyrics/hurt-lyrics.html ]

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

- Hurt.

I love the Johnny Cash version.





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How do you know what you really look like

When I look in the mirror I want to believe I am seeing what I really see. And to me it's rarely pretty. I wonder if I look as big as I think I am.

I bought some new clothes. Most of the shirts are loose fitting type, I feel pretty in them. I bought some jeans too. Size 26, which surprises me because I think I am probably bigger, these jeans are just a fluke.

I am very down and angry at life right now. It's not fair that I had to lose my baby. So many people have kids that don't want them. So many women go through pregnancy without complications.

I thought dealing with anorexia, anxiety, and depression was the hardest thing in life, but it's not. I really wanted to be a mother, and it's unfair that the perfect little being was not able to survive.

It feeds my ED. I was relapsing before I got pregnant. That was only put on hold because I was taking care of her. And the relapse continues. It's tiring to fight and want to try and recover, when the ED provides the numbness I crave right now.




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