compliments, or trying to get a better tip?

I have had a busy morning. It's my first day off from work in a week.

• I took my dog to the vet
• bought him some toys and a cute sweater thing
• got a mani and pedi
• renewed my cosmetology license
• paid a bill

And now I am going to go to the gym.

But while I was getting my pedicure, I tell the Vietnamese that I run a lot, and it makes my feet get callused.

"you run a lot? that's why you're so skinnny"

I tried not to smile, and maybe he was just trying to compliment me to receive a better tip. Either way I liked to hear that.

xoxo

Drum roll please

I have finally lost a pound. Go ahead and laugh at my small accomplishment.

I feel powerful today:

B: Toast

Iced mocha

L: Banana

D: Slim fast bar

m&m's

total is probably what? under 800.

If I start trying to count calories too obsessively I won't do very well in my Physical Science Class

Among other news.. I am finally getting internet starting in October. No longer will I have such sporadic posts, plllluuusss... (plus)

I'll be able to do better with following other blogs.

xoxo

Winter Girls

I started reading that book again. (Winter Girls) I am sure the author did a lot of research, but I have a hard time reading books, written by people who have never gone through what we've been through.

I re opened the cut again. It's like feeling that small bit of pain keeps me on track.

I didn't do as well will my intake as I would have hoped, but I am not unhappy with what I've done.

I want to go to the gym. But my friend wants me to come over. Unfortunately for her, I want to go to the gym more. HA. I want to fit back into my jeans. The ones I got when i was around 120-125. I think I can get at that weight without people worrying about me. I won't go super fast, I'm not in a rush.

Slow and Steady

Sleeping

Today I hid from the world by sleeping. Yes. Signs of another season of depression? Probably. But I am going to try and take 5HTP again(herbal supplement containing seratonin)

I have taken anti depressants twice in my life. Each time for only a few months. They worked to help stabilize things, but in the end I feel better without them. I'd rather be able to feel all my emotions, instead of just feeling that numbing zombie like buzz.

So I slept until 1:00. I worked out on the treadmill. My but is still sore from doing the stair climber for 30 minutes straight on Monday. I love exercise.

I know I said I wanted to fast, but I got ahead of myself. I knew if I tried to fast too soon, I would end up over eating.

So I ate:

1 piece of toast
Pudding cup
Handful of raw almonds

Builder protein bar
Watermelon jolly rancher sucker

Chicken tortilla soup
1 piece of toast
Frozen yogurt

You know, I am not disappointed with that. I haven't dropped any weight since Monday, but I am already starting to see a change in my waist.

Xoxo

Lapsing Relapse

I am on the verge of a relapse. The source of the stress I am feeling in my life is a

long story

so I will spare you the head ache and skip to what it has produced. I am in a physics class so i just have to use a formula:

Stress + ED = potential triggers hmm not sure if that works. dang.

There has been stress building up, slowly. And then all the sudden i'm being sucked into "negative coping skills" as treatment would teach me. What caused the sudden reaction? A really big stress.

I am blabbing. We are being taken advantage of by our old Landlords. For whatever reason, because there are several factors, that feeling (being taken advantage) is one of the biggest triggers for me. I start to feel invisible, voiceless, powerless. I instantly want to gain control of something.

So I've been doing well at not using my ED to cope, but I let this landlord stress get to me, and I gave in to a few behaviors.

Starting with: cutting. just a small one, minimal bleeding. My husband still doesn't know.

Then: restricting (not a ton, but when i get stressed like this I find it easier to not feel hungry, i feel more emotions.

And last night: I was watching ED movies all day, A secret between friends, Sharing a secret, hunger point. Well. I had a reasonable dinner. But I wanted to skip my dinner and was mad that I decided to heat. so. fastest way to get rid of the food in my stomach...you know

I told my husband about purging last night.

and i cried. i felt scared

he handled things very well.

but i am still struggling and I want to start restricting again. I know what i would be getting myself into:

thoughts being consumed with food, isolation, depression, emotional, dysfunctional

AHHHH

But somehow i feel like i function better with it. Ugh

Tomorrow I am going to try and liquid fast until dinner, when I'll eat with my husband. I want to lose 8 pounds.

ok really i want to lose 18 pounds. It's easy to do it during the colder season.

I can't focus in class right now because of these thoughts. If you read this, thank you.

Itch

I just want to be skinny again. I want my hip bones


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