You're not alone

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Where to begin

Ladies and Gentleman.  I have been working my ass off. 7 days a week. I don't have any time or real privacy to post. I vow to do better though. I started using instagram. @stickthin. The thing with that place though, is that nearly EVERYONE is under the age of 18. I need people I can relate to. I have been such a bad friend to not try harder. I miss you all.

I work two jobs. Doing hair. And doing office work, HR, Books, secratary. Its insane. And it is self induced. Why? Do you ask? Because

My marraige is struggling. I am really having a hard time being married.

We started getting some counseling together. I don't really know what to think. All I can say is that we owe it to each other to grieve the loss of our child, together. Then we will move on from there. My life is a mess. I am a mess. I started drinking again. It was such a poor choice, but I can't seem to really stop. Or want to stop.

Do you know how hard it is to work in a profession(doing hair), where you need to put on a face? I don't mind listening to my clients. Its just so exhausting to pretend like I am "fine". I am absoultey not ok in any way shape or form.

I feel so low. I feel like a piece of shit. I want to lose weight quickly, but I don't want to deal with the consequences.

I have started hurting myself again. Cutting.  Bruising. Will I ever let this go? I can't

I can't

Becuase I know that this form of coping works. I know it does. Someone PLEASE present me with something that works just as well. Until then.

I can't let it go


ps. I am a little drunk. Hope my words make sense

6 comments:

Sam said...

All I can think of to say is that you might try talking to someone (a mother) who has lost a child. This might help you process things and not feel so alone. The same with your husband. Of course couple counseling will helps tons as well but that will focus on the both of you and in my opinion you need some way to cope and deal with the loss that YOU are dealing with. Good luck...

Sam

Peridot (G+P) said...

You're busy as all fuck! I don't mind the lack of posting if you're that busy. Just poke your nose in every week or so so people don't start panicking :p

*Huggles* The booze won't stop you feeling forever, neither will starving or puking bingeing or cutting. It just pushes it aside for a bit, and then you have two things that are hurting you.

You're both hurting. Hug eachother, cry. You're in separate hells that share similar architecture. You can help each other.

Have you found others who have lost kids who you can talk to? I'd put you onto my friend Milo who had 4 miscarriages in 8 months before finally having her girl, but she hasn't talked to me since I deleted my FaceBook.

I know the exhaustion. Having to smile for the customers and be OH SO HAPPY TO SERVE YOU TODAY SIRMADAM when you want to crawl into a corner and die.

I wish I knew better ways of coping than these. All I can come up with is listening to music, hugging a stuffed toy/small animal and crying until you can't cry any more, rinse and repeat as often as needed until you don't need to anymore. It's like the tears are washing out the wounds so they don't fester. They don't last forever, and it always surprises me when they stop.

Love you so so so much. Please look after yourself, ok? As much as you can.

Arohanui and hugs to you and your hubby <3

A Quiet Battle said...

Thanks for the love on my blog, dear.

I'm sorry you're struggling. And i definitely understand what it's like to have to put on a "face" at work. I used to work in a group home with the mentally ill, so I always had to pretend to be fine. It's so exhausting.

Please try to take the best care of yourself as possible.

désespérée de maigrir said...

I think counseling with your husband is a really great idea. You might be able to find a support group for parents who have lost a child in your area, too - I know at first it seems like you'd never want to share with someone and that they could never understand, but in the end it could help.

I just want to make sure you are feeling supported.

You are not a pice of shit, you are a beautiful young woman who has experienced really difficult things that some people never will. You are on the other side of it and can be healthy and stable again. I think a combination of counseling and a support group might help you shy away from ore dangerous coping mechanisms...

I don't mean to be preachy, just really worried about you. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you...

Ambulances_and_apples said...

Look for a "Compassionate Friends" Group in your area. Or just google it to find out more. Non bias parents of all ages who have lost childeren of all different ways.

t.nataj z★ said...

Hello doll..honey i can totally relate.im 33yr old.i started starving at 9yr old by 19 i was just purging &hav been doing so for the last 14yrs.im a stylist/nail tech/massage therapist for 15yr.im nt a cutter.im a recovering heroin add.im a single mother&i also lost a child.i just stopped the heroin chic life style bt i started restricting and purging way more to the point of im so weak i can leave my bed.i dont believe in anti depressents i can figure it out on my own.i do like to drink bt w no food in my belly i gt so drunk its dangerous.idk.us stylist love to self indulge and need to look good.ur nt alone doll. Its a mia life style for me though.i want to purge its who i am i guess.my stats arent anything to brag bout,33y/5'0/109.im big for being so short im in my own hell.i sometimes wish i was a normie &nt a weirdie.im me and u r just u&its ok ;)