Why is it so hard

Below are my new running shoes. No one told me how to break them in properly, so maybe I've been healing from some pretty bad blisters for a week :p


Okay the title of this post is maybe too dramatic for how I am feeling and what I'm thinking.
I look in the mirror and rarely like what I see. I ran across some pictures of me a year ago. 15 lbs lighter. I felt a lot more confident with myself. Was I too skinny? I don't think so. I have been skinnier.
I run and exercise a pretty good amount. But I still feel chubby. It frustrates the hell out of me really.
I am afraid to cut back or calorie count because I know I will get obsessive, and with school starting I need to use my brain power there.
I swear when I was restricting I could focus on projects easier. Noe that my brain isn't always thinking about being anorexic, coupled with my ADHD, I have more to think about. Ha ha.

So what to do? I think I need to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I do pretty well on my days off. But night time can be bad too. I think my worst days are weekends. So perhaps i'll have two goals this week.

1: no eating after 8:00 (I know that might sound late but I usually don't get home from work until 6:30.
2: 1-2 sweets for the weekend.

I have been in the process of moving :( Bleh. I can't wait to be in our new place.

My puppy has been so much fun! I love running around with him (gives me more exercise too :). He is a ball of energy for an hour and then he'll sleep for three. I love him

Puppy love!!

This is my new puppy!!

Running is Cleansing

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body

but at the same time not pooping too soon

I ran 4 miles today

1) 11:20

2) 9:30

3) 10:47

4) 10:52

So total time was around 33 minutes

I enjoy running during the hottest time of day

it makes it harder to keep a fast pace

but i like the challenge

i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite

obsessive

I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.

I have been doing more lifting and not just running

so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it

obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive

too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make

excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start

craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as

much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was

not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I

are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a

responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The

worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.

because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.