Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up early to go to the dentist by my parents house. It was about an hour and a half drive. I am a baby when it comes to the dentist. I get the worst anxiety. Ha ha boo hoo for me.
When I left their town I planned to go straight to work but my boyfriend wanted coffee so I picked him up and we visited. I stayed at work for about an hour and then drove over to the new salon I'm working at. My boss wasn't there so I hopped back on my scooter and just went cruising. I ended up driving to the base of a canyon. I had my workout clothes, I had 4 hours to kill before my dress rehearsal for a movie i'm acting in. So I changed my clothes and started hiking. I hiked a straight hour( all uphill) before deciding to turn around. So a good two hours of some nice fresh air, burning calories, listening to music. I went to the gym afterward to do some stretching, ellipitcal, and abnominals.
Nature is beautiful though. I'm so glad its getting warm so I can enjoy it more. I love being done with school. I'm still really busy, but I'm not in school ha ha. I woke up at 7:30 this morning to take my motorcycle road test. I've been working since 9:00. I'll leave work and go to my school to get some stuff turned in(final paperwork and what not), I'll hit the gym, and then go over to the salon to assist. Another long day, but it keeps me busy. I like that
Now I just wish I could get my boyfriend to be more productive. I feel like he is dragging me down. I understand depression, and everyone feels it at one point or another. I believe, however, you can control the mood you will be in. You don't have to mask or hide your sadness. But you don't always have to be sad. You can try and make each day count or worth something. My boyfriend's response to the question "How are you" is usually "Tired" or "Worn out". It drives me mad.

xoxo

Endless and Deep

I feel like i'm drowning. Trying so hard to make everyone happy, but pleasing no one.
i can't even make myself happy. So what do I do? I'm not going to complain. That does nothing. I'm going to keep going.

gw1 130 130. 130. i can do this. I've done it before, I'm happier when i'm thin.

It takes time

Sometimes I see pictures and I'm just like..woah she is beautiful.

I'm taking everyday..one at a time. I realized my life was droning on. I love the feeling of control my ed brings me. The past few weeks I've been regaining control, but not enough. I started this morning off with a trip to the gym. I weighed in but I'm not sure if it was right. Reason being(TMI) I've been going to the bathroom a ton since. So Now I want to know what I really weigh. Note to self: buy a scale.

cals so far: 0
cw: 136( this is unbelieveable)
gw: 128.

Small steps. Stay strong ladies

Graduated

I just finished my hours at school!  I am going to go run for an hour. I will now have an extra 38 hours a week!  Woo hoo time to get skinny again

I love you all.  Thanks for reading, posting, caring.  

Shagef you are an angel

xoxo

Feeling light

I love the feeling when you have the control.  I love working out.  I love the sun.  

I'm doing a liquid fast this weekend.  I'm going to weigh in on saturday.  I have two days left of school!! And I just got a job as an assistant at a salon!  

I miss  my bones.  I can't wait to have them back.  Stay strong everyone.  Whether you believe it or not mind over body!

xoxox

You know, the sun is in your eyes

And hurricanes and rains

Blacken cloudy skies

You're running up and down that hill

You turn it on and off at will

There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town

Oh Lady Luck has led you here

And they're so twisted up

They'll twist you up, I fear

They're pious, hateful, and devout

You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out

The wind so cold it burns

You're burning out and blowing 'round

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town

The fates are vicious and they're cruel

You learn too late you've used

Two wishes

Like a fool

And then you're someone you are not

And Junction City ain't the spot

Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town 

i'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight

My Story part 3

When I started training I had a really good system. I would eat what I wanted when I wanted, in small porportion and I would make sure I really craved it. My trainer ruined that good habit by having me write down everything I ate, count calories. She wanted me to be eatin 5-6 times a day, small meals, understandable. I started gaining weight, which I knew would probably happen because of muscle gain. A few months after I started training I shaved my head for a charity. I was confident enough in myself to shave my head, but after it all it really took a toll on my personal confidence. I continued to gain through the summer. I hated the way I looked, I always felt like a boy. One day I was at my parents and this asian family friend was talking to me. He was trying to get me to eat some sweets. I told him I didn't want any. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get more fat. His response was "your not fat, maybe medium". All the sudden I realized, wow I looked horrible. I truly did. I looked at pictures, I looked at myself. I needed to change. So in september I started working out more, I stopped eating crap food. I decided to be vegetarian. I stopped eating dairy. I joined livejournal. I got ideas on how to lose weight. It started working. I went from 147 to 125 in about a month. I loved it. I started peaking though. Bouncing around from 120-125. The holidays came. I was having a hard time losing more, but I wasn't gaining. So I kept working out, running. If i hate too many sweets, I purged. I was purging a lot in the winter. I was freezing too. But I wasn't going to gain anymore. I continued to lose. I think the lowest I got was 115. Everyone was talking about me. I hated it. I wished they would stop. This was my life. My choice. I couldn't be 'normal' this was just the way I was. Then in january I was in a car accident.

more later