My Dreams

In response to "matilda's" blog(i believe) I'd like to share my future goals outside of my hellish ed mind.

I just finished cosmetology school. I am starting to assist in a salon, and once licensed I will be able to start building my clientelle. I hope to really start building trust with clients to create long term business. I am working at my office job, for the money. Its so hard to go in sometimes, but I basically don't do shit and get paid, so I need to try for 20 hours a week. Aside from those two things I just started getting into modeling. I really am trying to bust my ass back in to shape so I can do some awesome shots. I am doing a paid photoshoot all day friday!! Woot! My first paid gig. Who knows where/if modeling will take me. Maybe I'll be able to network with photographers for hair and make up.

Eventually I think I want to go back to college. Maybe within the next couple of years. I don't know if I'll get a degree, but I do want to study writing again, photography, graphic design. It would be so much fun, I'm young, no reason not to continue learning.

I want to get more involved with my Dad's humanitarian organization. I wen to the Congo in march and I for sure want to go again in August. I love helping those in need.

At the end of this year my best friend and first love comes home. This will change my life one way or the other. If we still want to try to get back into a relationship I know it will take a lot of work. If we do start dating I hope to get back into music with him. We share such a deep connection I know we'd make a great little band. He plays drums and records. He also plays guitar and has a decent voice. I just love him. I could be married within the next year and a half, or I could be single and ready to take on the world.

I want to be a mother, but I will adopt. I've decided against physically having my own children. So within 5-6 years I'll adopt my first baby. Then maybe a year or two later a second.

These are just a few of my dreams.

State Boards

I took my practical for cosmetology/barbering today.  I woke up late, cut my finger replacing my razor, hit bad traffic, I got there 10 minutes before we started, my finger started to bleed again, I looked like a noob trying to curl the hair, totally looked like a noob during the shaving. At that point I thought I'd failed so my last and final thing, the male hair cut, I just did it as fast as I could, probably the worst haircut I've ever done. Result: PASS! 

Stay Hungry

My Story part 4

I got in a car accident in January. I fell asleep at the wheel while I was on my way to work. No one knows the whole truth. At this point in my life I was having a hard time. I mean a really hard time. I was using pills. Cutting. Everything. That morning before I left I took a couple pills. I thought they wouldn't hit me until I got to work. I was wrong. I remember going off to the left of the road, correcting myself, and then going completely off to the right. There was snow, so as my car was going through the snow I remember thinking "oh man, what is going to stop me". It all happened so fast. I was in so much shock I hardly remember anything from that point on. I remember hearing people, they told me my leg was pinned, they were asking me questions. What day was it? Whats your name. Then they asked me what hurt more, my leg or my foot? I remember saying "i'm cold. i'm cold."
When we got to the hospital I was still pretty out of it. I wanted water. I was cold. I kept repeating myself. They asked me who they should call. I told them to call P(my bestfriend)'s mom. The first familiar face I saw was P's dad. The tears came. As more family and friends trickled in I just remember crying. I feel lucky that I can't remember much from the accident, or the hospital. I don't want to remember something like that.
The next week was hard. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to eat. I went underweight. I nearly over dosed on pills(unintentionally). I was happy to be alive. I was frustrated with my body. I had never gone through something like this. I was drinking diet coke non stop to try and keep food in my body. I went from 110-120 within a few weeks. I started working out again. Then I went on a trip. I ate so much bread. When I got back from that trip I was 125. Not as bad as I thought. After that trip I started doing full time school. I was eating so much crap and not working out very much. I was spending more time with my bf. No time at the gym. Long story short. Here I sit 135. I am finished with school. I have more time for myself. I am going to get my weight back down to 120 within a few months. Two at most. It shouldn't be hard. Thats where I was somewhat happy with my body. Still not perfect.
Life can get hard. It doesn't have to stop us. My accident has slowed me down, but maybe it was needed. Maybe I needed some form of recovery from my ed. I don't know if I would have gotten through school. Many people were freaking out about my low weight. I think a few were ready to take me to a center. Now I'm in control of my life. My leg is healed a lot more. I will do this. Never giving up. Fighting Strong. Love you all

June

Graduated

I just finished my hours at school!  I am going to go run for an hour. I will now have an extra 38 hours a week!  Woo hoo time to get skinny again

I love you all.  Thanks for reading, posting, caring.  

Shagef you are an angel

xoxo

My Story part 3

When I started training I had a really good system. I would eat what I wanted when I wanted, in small porportion and I would make sure I really craved it. My trainer ruined that good habit by having me write down everything I ate, count calories. She wanted me to be eatin 5-6 times a day, small meals, understandable. I started gaining weight, which I knew would probably happen because of muscle gain. A few months after I started training I shaved my head for a charity. I was confident enough in myself to shave my head, but after it all it really took a toll on my personal confidence. I continued to gain through the summer. I hated the way I looked, I always felt like a boy. One day I was at my parents and this asian family friend was talking to me. He was trying to get me to eat some sweets. I told him I didn't want any. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get more fat. His response was "your not fat, maybe medium". All the sudden I realized, wow I looked horrible. I truly did. I looked at pictures, I looked at myself. I needed to change. So in september I started working out more, I stopped eating crap food. I decided to be vegetarian. I stopped eating dairy. I joined livejournal. I got ideas on how to lose weight. It started working. I went from 147 to 125 in about a month. I loved it. I started peaking though. Bouncing around from 120-125. The holidays came. I was having a hard time losing more, but I wasn't gaining. So I kept working out, running. If i hate too many sweets, I purged. I was purging a lot in the winter. I was freezing too. But I wasn't going to gain anymore. I continued to lose. I think the lowest I got was 115. Everyone was talking about me. I hated it. I wished they would stop. This was my life. My choice. I couldn't be 'normal' this was just the way I was. Then in january I was in a car accident.

more later

My story part 2

In January (after dating P for about 6 months) we mutually decided to break up.  The decision was good.  I wanted to take it back two days later, but in the end we both knew we needed to break up.  For two months I wanted to die.  I would go to the gym for at least two hours a day.  This was my time to forget about P.  When I would go I would literally say to myself, outloud, before I went in "Goodbye P".  I realized I was over doing it at the gym, but I didn't care.  We hung out "as friends" one night and for once I weighed less than him.  We still felt strongly about each other, but he didn't want to get back in a relationship.  It killed me to be around him because all I wanted was to be close to him.  One time after coming home from the gym I ate dinner with a roommate and right after asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. "Didn't you just go?" "Yeah but I just ate and now I want to work it off" My other roommate says "Dude are you annorexic?"  This was the first time I realized that maybe I did have an eating disorder.

    P and I got back together a few months after our break up.  I gained my weight back and I hated that I was so fat around him.  I loved those few months when I weighed less, but I didn't worry about it too much.  I was happy to be with him again.  We spent so much time together.  We had our favorite places to eat.  We spent time in the sun, swimming, playing music.  He was getting ready to serve an LDS mission for two years.  I was getting ready to start Beauty School.  I stayed in shape as much as I could.  I felt healthy, but still fat.  When he left on his mission I promised him I would stay healthy, not over do it at the gym.  I kept that promise becuae my gym pass expired.  I stopped eating though. I didn't try.  I just stopped.  Right before I was going to re new my gym pass I weighed my self.  128 pounds! I felt amazing.  I knew some of it was muscle loss.  But still.  I liked being under 130.  I renewed my gym pass and got a personal trainer.

This is where things got bad.

to be continued