Why are you going emo on me?

Yesterday was frustrating.  I woke up next to J to hear him tell me with a sigh "You have a beautiful body".  I felt beautiful all day.  It was just long.  By the end of the night I was so tired.  We were having a good time and then something in my brain switched and I just shied away from J and curled up in a ball.  He went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I stayed there.  Motionless.  He climbed in bed, I got under the covers, back to him.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't talk.  "Why are you doing this?  Why are you going all emo on me?(bad thing to say to me.  I hate when people call me 'emo'.  its just a rude connotation toward any human)  You shy away from me and don't talk to me for a half hour, what am I supposed to say?  What am I supposed to do.  Can you try and understand how frustrating this is?  You do it so often.  I don't know what to do anymore"  My response was "It doesn't have anything to do with you, its me"  

That was the basically it the rest of the night.  What was going through my head?  Him seeing my body.  Him seeing my imperfect body.  How could he enjoy that?  How?  I don't even feel like I can please him anymore.  I'm useless.  

My story part 2

In January (after dating P for about 6 months) we mutually decided to break up.  The decision was good.  I wanted to take it back two days later, but in the end we both knew we needed to break up.  For two months I wanted to die.  I would go to the gym for at least two hours a day.  This was my time to forget about P.  When I would go I would literally say to myself, outloud, before I went in "Goodbye P".  I realized I was over doing it at the gym, but I didn't care.  We hung out "as friends" one night and for once I weighed less than him.  We still felt strongly about each other, but he didn't want to get back in a relationship.  It killed me to be around him because all I wanted was to be close to him.  One time after coming home from the gym I ate dinner with a roommate and right after asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. "Didn't you just go?" "Yeah but I just ate and now I want to work it off" My other roommate says "Dude are you annorexic?"  This was the first time I realized that maybe I did have an eating disorder.

    P and I got back together a few months after our break up.  I gained my weight back and I hated that I was so fat around him.  I loved those few months when I weighed less, but I didn't worry about it too much.  I was happy to be with him again.  We spent so much time together.  We had our favorite places to eat.  We spent time in the sun, swimming, playing music.  He was getting ready to serve an LDS mission for two years.  I was getting ready to start Beauty School.  I stayed in shape as much as I could.  I felt healthy, but still fat.  When he left on his mission I promised him I would stay healthy, not over do it at the gym.  I kept that promise becuae my gym pass expired.  I stopped eating though. I didn't try.  I just stopped.  Right before I was going to re new my gym pass I weighed my self.  128 pounds! I felt amazing.  I knew some of it was muscle loss.  But still.  I liked being under 130.  I renewed my gym pass and got a personal trainer.

This is where things got bad.

to be continued

Dying to know

I want to know my weight.  I don't have a scale.  All my golds gym are closed around here sundays.  Stupid.  I told my boyfriend to pick me up and guess how much I weighed. He said 120-125.  I wish.  I'm sure I'm down to 132 or something.  Who knows.  Gah.  

I went and bought flowers today :)  J and I are going to plant them today.  Today was supposed to be a 0 cal day but I forgot that I'm having dinner with J's parents.  I'm vegan so it can't be anything too bad.  I'll just eat slow and very little.  

I hope everyone has a lovely day. Stay strong. Chin up

My story part 1

In high school I never thought much about my body.  I was a swimmer and pretty thin.  My senior year I was going through a lot of stress and my body started changing from a thin swimmer to a muscular gross pasty thing.  I remember at one point I thought I was a lot fatter so I bought these bigger size pants.  When swim season was over I realized how huge the jeans were on me.  Did I lose weight or was it all in my mind? There were a few times that I didn't really eat.  Usually when I had projects, tests.  I had a boyfriend for a few months and I remember when I broke up with him I kind of stopped eating.   I didn't try, I just had no appetite.  I didn't do it becuase I missed him.  I think I did it because I wanted someone else to notice me.  I didn't really think I had an eating disorder or anything.   In fact it was my senior that I finally broke away from trying to be someone I wasn't and just being myself.  I was a lot happier, I made new friends and I was confident.

 When I graduated I started going to the gym and eating healthier.  I didn't really lose weight, but I lost my bulky swimmer body.  I was really happy with myself.  That same summer I met P.  My first love and best friend.  We had so much fun together and I was really happy with myself and life was fun.  I knew P thought I was good looking and that was good enough for me.  When I moved to college things started changing.  I lived with my best girlfriend who has always been skinnier than me.  We shared clothes, I was always jealous of her body and her ability to get boys.  I was still in a long distance relationshiop with my boyfriend so the boy part didn't matter so much.  Yet when I would come home to visit we would talk about our weights.  He always weighed less than me.  This is where the self conscious about my body was re triggered.  I constantly thought. How did he like me?  I wish I weighed just a little less so I didn't look so fat standing next to him.

Small Vent

Lately I have been hearing a lot of people joke about eating disorders. "I'm working on being annorexic"  "I tried being annorexic and bulimic but I just love food too much"  Seriously shut up!  I get really pissed when i hear people talk about it in such a way as though you can just choose to have an ed, or turn it on or off.  I can't help but reply by saying "How do you try to have an ed?  Why would you try to have an ED?"  Do they really want to hate themselves no mattter what weight or size you are?  Do they really want to always be counting in your head?  Cereal 125 for 3/4 cup.  10 grapes 20 cals.  Small banana 90 cals.  No you don't just one day decide to have an ED.  I think it is just part of me.  At one point I was able to control my ED.  I ignored the fact that I hated myself.  I didn't worry so much about food, exercise.  That was a long time ago though.  Its not a joking matter at all.

  Selfish people don't stay thin.  Ignorant people get fat and are jealous of those who can take care of themselves, ed or not.  They are selfish because they never know who may be around.  It always seems to be me though.

Sigh.  Staying strong today on my liquid fast.  I know I posted earlier but I just had to say something.  I'm not really wanting food.  I just want my head ache to go away and go to sleep.If I ate right now I would be disappointing a two people.  But I'll be here at school another 8 hours.  I'm hoping my boyfriend will come in later so I can cut his hair.

What if

This was a conversation I had with my boyfriend last night:
Me: Would you date me if I weighed 200 pounds?
J: No

Me: 180?

J: No

Me: 150?

J: I think there would be a cut off between me being okay with you having extra weight and you totally letting yourself go. I wouldn't love looking at you..but I'm past that part in our relationshiop where looks totally matter. So probably 160
Me: Ew I've never weighed that. I've never weighed 150. I don't ever even want to be in the 140's again..So how about 140 is the cut off :)

J: Okay

Me: What if I weighed 100 pounds?

J: Well that depends (I was very surprised by this answer). Would you look sickly annorexic at 100 or sexy? If you looked sickly annorexic at 100 doesn't mean you couldn't look sexy at 110.

I am so surprised by that answer. He would be fine with me being underweight. Do you know what this means? I won't be given shit for getting skinny. Sure I will by mostly everyone else in the world, but not him. He never pushes me to eat food, or asks if I'm eating. Its not uncommon for him to eat while I do something else. Sometimes he subtely guilts me into eating. He knows he can get me to eat if I'm high(depending on the food). I think a couple of times he's used that factor. But other than that. I feel so motivated. He wouldn't mind if I was 100 pounds?!? I'll settle for 103.

Staying strong today with my liquid fast. Praise the lord that I found someone to talk to. I haven't had very much control lately and with this fast I finally feel like my old self. Like MYself.

I signed

I signed with an Agent yesterday.

I need to lose at least 12 pounds. I am almost done with school. That will help mucho. More time to workout. I plan to workout at least an hour everyday. Running 3 times a week. Double workouts twice a week.

Its business now. I want people to want me as a model. I want them to see my pictures and say..yeah we need that one. Bam. I'm doing it