2 months and 8 pounds

 How to stick with health routines? 

When you’ve had a persistent but in the lungs?

I took 2 weeks off is how. 

I picked up some type of virus at the end of September and I’m still recovering. 

Last week life got disrupted by Hurricane Milton. Luckily we experienced little impact. 

My exercise and walking goals went out the window. But that’s not all I’ve been trying to put into my routine. 

I’ve been trying to write 3 things I’m grateful for each day. Listen to a self help or inspirational book for 10 minutes each day. 

This week I got back on my train. I’m sore, even from just body weight workout. 

It’s hard to be patient with the physical changes though. I decided I will start to take progress pics as weight on a scale never shows you the whole transition when body composition changes. 

Week 4 of weight lifting

 How to stay motivated in new fitness routine 

I have finished reading “The Slight Edge” and just started “Atomic Habits.” These books and what they cover are helping me stay motivated. 

Even with all the travel I have on the books for this month, I’ve made sure to use weights at least twice a week. And, when weights were not fully available

I completed body weight exercises. 

I’ve been sticking with my daily movement goals of walking/steps. There was only 1 day in the past 2 weeks that i haven’t met it. (And that is ok because im not getting obsessive over it)

The first 30-45 days of introducing weights is hard because that is how long it takes for muscles to develop. The other hard part is your body composition is changing and the weight on the scale fluctuates. 

Weight loss: I’m down 3.5 pounds. I would have hoped for a little more but thats where building muscle can make the weight on a scale confusing. 

This weekend i’ll take some progress pics and body measurements as that’s usually a better way to track and monitor progress. 

Week 3 of new routine

• Making habits into routine with my health 

One way I’ve overcome my eating disorder mindset is looking at overall health and wellness as a lifestyle/way of living. 

I remember the first time I started starving myself and how quickly i lost weight. 

And then the cycle of binge/purge, starve— on repeat. 

I haven’t relapsed with ED since 2014. 2017 was when i first considered myself recovered. 

2022 was the first time I learned about macro counting. I was worried it would trigger ED but it didn't at all. It gamified my nutrient tracking. It gave me healthy goals and empowered decision making on what I wanted to eat day-to-day. 

I still love macro counting. 

Right now I’m trying to be mindful of my tendency to get obsessive with a behavior or habit. The new one? Walking 10,000 steps a day. 

For me this is usually getting 20-40 minutes of walking in. I get the rest of my steps with daily movement. 

How to keep things healthy?

I want to making walking part of my lifestyle, not an obsessive behavior. 

For this, I want to incorporate walking into my daily life more. It could look like:

20-40 minutes of using my mini treadmill while working— making sure to stretch though and recover 

Taking the dogs on a walk 

Walking with the family around the block after meals 

Walking on the beach 

Walking to and from the club gym 

Walking around the shopping center before a Pilates class

Does it have to be 10,000 steps?

So far, 10,000 steps has been very achievable. I don’t feel like I’m having to spend a ton of extra time doing it. I definitely do better with multi tasking— like reading a book or working while walking. 

It doesn’t HAVE to be 10,000 steps. But, I’m going to aim for this goal for the rest of September and see how I’m feeling. 

Other goals for my routine 

Aside from walking, I’ve got other habits I’m working on this month. 

1. Weightlifting 3x a week 

2. Pilates 3-4x a week 

3. Write 3 things I’m grateful for each day 

4. Listen to inspiring book for 10 minutes a day 

5. Keeping my cutting goals to 1,600 cals a day

6. Daily recovery and mobility. 

That’s a good amount of habits to keep up with for now. 

Waiting out the rain to play Volleyball

1. Playing Beach Volleyball in Florida

1 year ago I relocated from Utah to Florida. Before the move I was playing sand volleyball twice a week. It was a huge part of my activity, mental and social health. 

You’d think moving to a place with beaches everywhere I’d easily be able to find a replacement. 

The truth is, yes I found a group pretty quickly but NO it is not so easy to play. 

Why? 

The weather. 

I got myself out of bed at 6:30 AM so I could go play. I’m sitting in my car— along with some fellow enthusiasts— trying to wait out the rain. 

I cancelled two Pilate class spots so I could play volleyball instead 😆

Lesson learned. 

Health and fitness goals

I have had my weight go up a LOT this past year. Even with drastically changing my nutrition, stress and activity (or so I thought. I attended reformer Pilates 4-5 days a week for 6 months or more.)

I got my hormones checked and because I use an IUD results are inconclusive. 

The two thing I can conclude that are different in my life vs 3 years ago when I lost 15 ish pounds:

1. I’m 3 years older. I’m closer to 40 than I am 30. 

2. My body is still recovering from the stress of relocating . Cortisol can do a number on us 

3. I’m not moving my body enough. My Apple Watch data confirms this. 

Setting New Goals

1. I’m trying to get 10,000 steps a day. I bought a cheap mini treadmill that is making this goal very easy to hit 

2. I’m going to weight lift/do more intense exercise than Pilates 3x a week minimum. Week 1 went well. 

3. I’m going to stay committed to nutrition cutting goals. I count macros and stay around 1,600 calories a day. 

4. I’ll make sure to do recovery movement and mobility so I don’t injure myself. 

Results 2 weeks in

I’m down almost 3 pounds. A good, healthy pace. 

7 years later - hello blog world

 I searched this blog tonight and realized I didn’t even remember how to post on it. 

This blog holds so much history and storytelling for almost a decade of my life. 

I know we’ve all moved on past blogs. Onto snap chat, instagram, tik tok. 

I’m still here. I might write some new posts as to where my life is now. We’ll see. 

For now I’m finding some peace knowing I haven’t lost ability to continue sharing a story. 

What "To The Bone" Got Right and We're All Looking Past

Old drafted post i just found (august 30 2024)

Ok, I've watched as many ED related movies, documentary, shows, etc that exist in the intergalactic world of the internet. Whether it's a high school volleyball player who is taught by her best friend, a ballet dancer with a mother for a therapist ("who should have seen it coming?!", paraphrasing quote from the movie), documentary in treatment centers in different parts of the world or terrible episodes of Dr. Phil or Intervention.

I don't recommend anybody watch this garbage because it's only fueling sterotypes and not really spreading education (insert eyeroll). In fact, you'd be better watching My 600 Pound Life because at least in that show Dr. Nowazardan sends his patitents to therapy because he knows nothing changes without therapy.

To The Bone Doesn't Teach Someone How To Have An Eating Disorder

Since I have an eating disorder and am currently in recovery (7 years baby, haven't relapsed in the past 3 years), I am more connected with people who are affected by this movie. I've been through a little inpatient/outpatient care and am part of groups and have friends who have had a hard time with this movie. 

Top comments I see: "this is so triggering", "this is not realistic", "that's not how impatient is", and so on. I understand everyone is at different levels of what they can handle. I don't recommend someone with an eating disorder or recovering from one to watch it if they are sensitive to this type of material. 

But at least this movie doesn't SHOW someone how to develop an eating disorder!!! Yes, I said it. That's how I feel. If you watch most movies or TV shows previously mentioned, they focus a lot on the behaviors. Dr Phil shows the cycle of very sick people binge eating, or weighin themsleves. Intervention follows the person around and documents their behaviors. Movies about someone who suffers an ED shows time and time again how they start, develop and begin recovery. 

THAT is triggering to me. Not watching a crappy movie (ultimately i felt like this movie was poorly written), of a girl who was already in an eating disorder. 

What it showed:

• Emaciated Body of Ellen/Eli 3 times (the most extreme is at the end)
• Getting on the scale 2 times
• Doing Sit ups 3 times
• Drinking a big diet soda (the sweet nectar of life)
• Checking the size of her arm (probably the most repeated behavior)
• Refusing food
• Chewing and spitting–probably the most "let me show you how to have an Eating Disorder)

Severely triggered right now

I just spent some time reading the first year of this blog. WHO THE HELL WAS THAT PERSON?

Eating disorders are so depressing and what the friggin hell.

Despite this realization I'm fighting so hard to keep a healthy mindset. I want to be fit. I ant to be fit immediately but I know that's not how it works.

In other news, I've been feeling extremely lonely and like I have nobody to talk to.

About a week ago my ex boyfriend's wife started following me on Instagram. A little freaked out by this, but fully filled with curiosity I followed her back. I was happy to see that they recently became parents. And as I slightly stalked her account I was like.. huh this girl reminds me of myself. This girl seems like someone is probably get along with.

Well on Friday I commented on one of her posts before realizing it was her post. Was that allowed? I mean how did she find me in the first place? Why did she find me in the first place?

Well almost immediately she Pm'd me and I thought she was going to be like...wha the hell do you think you're doing commenting on my photos??? 😡😡😡😡.

It was quite the opposite. She said, I know it may be weird but He said we might have a lot in common...  and asked if I lived around the area. She mentioned the weirdness again.

Well, here is the thing. I didn't feel weird about it at all. In fact I was relieved that she messaged me.  The last time I saw my ex was 5 years ago. And before that it was over two years. We dated in 2009 for less than a year. I think he is a kind person and have never felt any real anger or hate or anything toward him. He dated me when I was extremely sick and in deep with my ED.

So how did his wife or why did his wife find me on IG? They moved out here about a year ago and she hasn't been able to make friends and the Ex said we might have some stuff in common. I guess I can ask her if he just told her to find me on Tuesday because we are going to meet up.

what a strange weekend but  I'm oddly excited. He was right that we have quite a bit we can relate to, kids, eating issues, child loss.

Does this sound like a movie? It does to me.

Tracking My Food Is

Frustrating.

I am angry at the nutritional content in most of our food. I decided to start tracking my food to just get a general idea of my macro nutrients and less focused on calories (but also good to know in general how much I'm consuming).

SUGAR IS IN EVERYTHING

And I'm ANGRY about that. The recommended daily intake for sugar is 25g.

Today I've had a banana (12g) and a Kasha bar (7g). I plan to have 4 mini cucumbers (2g) and Chunky Guacamole (1g).

Total: 23g

I have no idea what I'm going have for dinner, but I would love to have some blueberries tonight, and that would technically but me over the 25g. So here is what I really think: either nutritionists need to be more realistic with what is a reasonable amount of sugar to consume OR people that make the food need to reduce sugar. (Of course the power is all in my hands so I'm just complaining here.)

The natural sugar doesn't bother me (like from the cucumber, banana, and guac (there is tomatoes in the guac).

It's the sugar in the snacks I have. I am not afraid of sugar, I love sugar. I just want to be able to enjoy it when I want to enjoy it dammit!

I have been drinking diet sodas for years. And recently I decided to stop drinking them to see if it would help with some headaches I was experiencing. I didn't realize how much sugar is in 1 cup of regular soda:

To me, it feels like such a waste. Drinking juice feels like the same thing, a waste of sugar that doesn't really fill you up (I'm not much of a juice drinker anyway).

I guess this means hard work is ahead

Why do we make it so damn hard to get the right nutrition? I want this for me and my family. So I guess I'll be going on Pinterest to find "Home Made Granola Bars" and other such snacks to help me be healthier. Damn sugar. 

The Confrontation...

is done.

More Backstory

I had a comment on my last post from Bella about how usually abuse from young adults to children often occurs because it happens to them first. This is very true with my family. Unfortunately there is horrific, deep seeded abuse both internally and externally in my family. Most of it occurred on my father's side. My grandfather was a pedophile. I don't know how many children he abused, or where the abuse started  before him. And when I say horrific, I mean it. I don't know all the details but I know some of my siblings were given drugs while men would come over and rape them. Almost as if they were child prostitutes.

THANK GOD I did not have this happen to me.

So yes, there is the intellectual and systematic reason for why my sister decided to abuse me. And for that reason I have minimized the facts my whole life. But it needed to be called what it was. It was not just "acting out." She was a perpetrator that consciously decided to take advantage of another person.

The Confrontation Itself

Went well. It was anticlimactic but I did get an apology and she accepted responsibility. I understand why it was same sex now–she was abused by an older female cousin.

After I said what I needed to say and she accepted responsibility she said she could explain more about her abuse, and I told her I didn't really care to know at this time.

I told her I didn't want to talk about it further, I don't need to continue the conversation.

I told her if she felt like she needed to do further processing we could discuss it then.

I Still Want Control

For some reason I thought if I did this I would no longer want to be starving myself and controlling my food. But it is not the case.

Part of me knew this would not be the case.

I will do a follow up appointment with my therapist to process the confrontation and explore the control issue. I think being pregnant is definitely a contributing factor to where my head is currently at.

I Had Another Therapy Appointment

Yay for Therapy. It's sad that I have to pay $$ to feel validated. JUST KIDDING (mostly). 

I think therapy is a very useful thing and I think more people she get it!

I'm actually doing a lot better after yesterday's session. 

Last week all the emotions came. I did a lot of different ways to process. I was able to discuss things with him, and I'm not feeling as anxious. 

Next Step: Confrontation

And that is the hardest part of this all. My therapist was a little worried that confronting her would be too stressful for my pregnancy. But I think not confronting her would cause even more stress. It needs to happen and my goal is for it to happen in the next two weeks. 

He said I could do it over the phone. Which instantly made me perk up. I really don't feel comfortable doing it in person. I have a hard time seeing her photos pop up on my social media. 

Plus, it's not like I hurt her and am trying to make amends. She hurt me, and I should be able to do it in a less personal way–since I'm the effect of the cause. 

I will have question 

I tried this whole week not to focus on the "why," but I think there are a few things. Like how could you think this was okay, knowing the effects abuse had on you? Did you know you were jump starting my sexuality without my permission? Why same sex abuse? 

Things she needs to know

It was not okay. It jump started my sexuality and has affected that as I've grown. It has made me question my sexual attraction. It has made intimacy with my husband hard a times, that is completely unfair. It affects my relationship with her at this time, and I need a lot of space to let this process. 

Gosh. This is going to be hard. 

Time To Track Nutrients Again

The past year I have been in survival mode, mostly because of school (oh and that little human I now care for). I have eaten what is convenient, fast and cheap.

Before I got pregnant with this current baby, I FINALLY was losing weight. I had about 20-30 lbs I wanted to lose

But life doesn't always go as planned

In the long run, I'm actually not that made about being pregnant and not being able to lose weight before getting pregnant again. It would have been more ideal, but at least I didn't have to regain all over again.

I don't know my current weight (I was 154 at the start of my pregnancy–go ahead and puke now)/ It would be too much for me to handle. But I have decided to track my intake for the next few weeks to get a rough idea of how I'm doing. Yesterday I under ate (oops).

But at least it will help me try and get balanced nutrients. I want to cut back on sugars and carbs and up protein and good fats (gotta stock up the fat for breast feeding am I right?)

 

<3 p="">

Processing The Past...

Sucks.

I'm not traumatized by what I'm trying to work through. I'm not having PTSD or crippling flashbacks. What I experienced was mild to the horrors that so many people go through.

How I Do Feel

Angry and resentful. She (yes she) should have known better. She should have thought about what she was doing. She had no right to take advantage of a child (me) like that. She (having experienced abuse herself) should have known it was unfair to do the same thing to someone else (her own sister to make it worse). She should have controlled her own fucking impulses because SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH to consciously know what she was doing.

The Why Doesn't Matter

I've already justified why it happened (and therefore minimized it all) my entire life. So I don't really care why it happened. Bottom line–IT WAS WRONG.


to be continued.

Need A Release

It's Been A Long Time

Holy cow. I can't believe it's been two years since I have written anything on here. Maybe that means I'm growing up? Or maybe it means I've been buys. (But seriously, no one blogs anymore and it depresses me.)

The Past Two Years

I went back to school

I started going back to school full-time in fall 2014. This was a huge step for me as I essentially quit working and moved in the basement of my families house. 

I had my first child

My husband and I decided to get pregnant the same time I went back to school. . . yeah. There was a plan in place, I would pretty much be done withs school by the time the baby came and all would be well. 

Except I got put on bedrest at 26 weeks and had to drop out of my classes my second semester back. That was discouraging but I made my husband promise me that he would help me get my degree–no matter what!

The baby girl was born a month early and spent 11 days in the NICU. But she is super healthy, smart, and I just love her so much. Motherhood has come very naturally to me. It's not always easy, of course. It is just a different way of living life, but I was ready for it. 

Surprise Baby #2

Okay so things were going great. I stopped nursing. I got back on adderall. And then in February I realized that I was well overdo for my period. I wasn't feeling any different–unlike previous pregnancies where I have had tender boobs, cramping, etc–but I thought, what the heck I'll take a test. 

To my utter dismay my test was POSITIVE. I was very pissed for the first little while. I didn't believe the tests were true until I had it confirmed with a blood test from my doctor. 

But, my husband was excited. And after a few days of being annoyed and a therapy appointment, I have mostly been fine with it. I was just worried this would affect my graduation plan. (Plus, this is what happens when you have sex. Nothing is 100% baby proof except abstinence.)

I Walked In My Graduation in April
I got to walk in my graduation! My husband also walked with his school and it was a glorious day. I can't believe I finally got to do it. The only thing I have left to do until I officially have my degree is finishing an internship (I'm halfway done).

Today
I'm struggling. I've had some things from my past (that I've been avoiding and minimizing) surface. I don't know why it is happening now. I think it is partly triggered from being the weight I am, and not being able to do much about it. I had a visit with my therapist and I'm going back next week. He gave me some assignments but I'm scared to do them.

This is why I'm writing again. I need a place to release my feelings and hope that at least one person out there can relate. I'm so triggered right now. If I wasn't pregnant I would have already been relapsing. Heck, in my mind I'm relapsing, I'm just protecting my mind from my new baby (who, but the way, is another girl).

I'm 22 weeks along right now, and hoping this pregnancy is much smother than last. Last pregnancy I was put on bedrest at 26 weeks. And my very first pregnancy was a tragedy which you can read about here. 

Well that's all for now. 

A blog of reflection

Hello and welcome to my world of insomnia.



I cannot believe its been 6 years since I started this blog.

I've never considered deleting this blog because there are parts of my life here that I cannot recall. Simply because I was so ill and in the thick of my eating disorder.

Today I find myself in a weird mood. I have been relapsing since October ish 2013. By no means has it been a secret to anyone.

I have been in therapy for almost 2 years straight. I go every 4 weeks now.

Does the eating disorder ever go away? I feel myself terrified of what other demon would take its place. Or am I terrified that I could actually be happy without it?

How do you make the decision to move on? I developed this eating disorder 7 years ago, but the reasons or cause of why I have one is rooted deeper than I thought.

I press on. I try to keep up a fight despite the feeling of defeat. If you are on Instagram please find me. (@mindycelloing) I hope you are well.

Cheers.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

We're All A Little Disordered

I wrote this on my personal blog, shared it with friends and family :). Enjoy


I have been trying to come up with a clever title for this post. Hopefully I can draw something from what I am about to say to give it a smashing one.

I am not angry at you, world. I am sad. I am sad that (usually) the first compliment we give to friends or strangers is about their bodies or personal image. As my husband says, comments like these are easy because they don't require you to directly interact with a person or to even really know the person whatsoever. The are comments that can stem purely from observation. You don't have to know me to notice my good hair, nice eyes, great legs, or changes in body shape from when we may've last met (cause trust me people I rarely talk to have talked about my weight with me). We all do it, we will keep doing it, and it is WRONG.

I started my recovery process for an eating disorder in the fall of 2010. It has been a long process, but over the past year and a half I have been way more candid. I have opened up and told my story to people. And do you want to know what the first question I usually get asked? 

"What kind did you have?"

I hate answering that question because I think it's irrelevant. I wish people understood this very important thing: Any form of disordered eating is not healthy. Why do we have to put a label on what kind someone has? I was about to rant about how there are three categories, anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but I guess onestudy they have added two categories: Psychogenic Vomiting (the relation between patterns of vomiting and psychiatric diagnoses)

, and Pica (characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive, such as ice, clay, chalk, dirt or sand).

Whatever

Now my ADD has kicked in and I want to take this post all over the place. I will not. I will keep it brief and to the point. 

We are all a little disordered okay? Maybe you don't focus on food or body image in the same way as someone who has (or hasn't) been diagnosed with an eating disorder. But, society focuses on body image and food so much, I truly believe we are all a little disordered (in case you can't tell, I have used this for my title by now. I actually came up with the title in the third paragraph).

We all make comments on our bodies, or how "bad" we are being for eating that dessert. We compare our bodies to our friends, we peak at their plates to make sure our portions match.

People are trying to be positive with the compliments, but by stating positives we imply negatives. So when Sally says "Mindy you are so good for not eating that cookie, I can't say no." Would she then tell me the next time I ate a cookie, "Mindy you ate that cookie, you are bad, you can't say no". (Do it, I dare you.)

If you want to talk to me a simple, "Hi Mindy" would suffice. If you want to say something positive about me "I notice how hard you work" "You are a very passionate person" would work for me. 

If you want to have small talk, I enjoy talking about the weather, not clothing sizes. 

Can't take back

There is something in my brain that gets switched on. The worst but easiest example of what I am talking about is:

I am eating a cookie. I eat two. I don't want to eat anymore. But I have 3. The idea comes in that maybe I can purge.

And then I want another. I can just purge in 10 min

Soon I have had five. I have already decided I am going to purge. It turns into an over powering, physical and mental NEED.

It is scary that a switch like that lives inside me

That is the disturbing part of an eating disorder that is hard for people to understand.

I could call my husband when these urges happen. But in those moments they are more than urges. The decision has already been made.


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Survival

January. May.


I am just trying to survive right now. I am trying to balance many urges, impulses, actions, and so forth.

Therapy- I want to end it. Our last visit, 3 weeks ago, was hard for me. It basically came down to me deciding, am I ready to give up the eating disorder?
Honest truth.
no

I can't will this away. Do I want to live like this? NO! Do you know how pathetic it feels to purge in a public bathroom after a meal? Or to cry because you can't stand the fat on your arms? There are a lot worse things to cry about.

But no one can tell me HOW to recover. Why? Because I have to choose to really recover.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. And emotional.

The guilt I feel because of what I it my husband and family through is unbearable. The shame I feel for being 24 years old, having gone through treatment almost 3 years ago, being a binge drinker last summer, hurts. It just hurts.

How do I do it. HOW?
I will never be good enough.

Mal-Adaptive

-this is me

Mal-Adaptive
I had a pretty good therapy session today. I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it was. I want to tell you all what he explained to me, and then I will continue to ramble. BUT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH!

He compared to adolescent males. The first one is exposed to pornography in some way. At first this behavior is just a way to relieve tension. And then, something emotional in his life happens. Let's say he..breaks up with his girlfriend or something, instead of talking about it, he turns to pornography to control his emotions. He is never able to talk about his feelings, overtime pornography becomes an addiction in dealing with his emotions. Maybe overtime he also feels guilty or ashamed of his addiction, he can't talk about it, so it's an endless cycle. He called this Mal-adaptive.
Now, boy number 2 looks at porn, decides he doesn't want to go down the path, and talks to someone about it. His girlfriend breaks up with him, he talks to someone about it. He feels stressed at school, talks about it. He is able to adapt to his emotions by talking to others.
But the other boy never learned how to do that.

It is very comparable to my Eating Disorder. Although the actual food restriction didn't really start until I was 18, I definitely think I internalized my emotions at a young age. I love my mother very much, but she was sometimes very critical toward me (but as I have grown up I realize this is how she is with everyone). So rather than acting out in rebellious ways, I internalized everything. Rather than tell her how I felt about my father being gone, I internalized. I never learned how to vocalize my feelings. I started cutting when I was 16. I had low self esteem and self worth at a young age.

I guess it was really good to have him explain that to me in front of my husband. It made me feel like, hey I am not so screwed up after all. There is nothing 'wrong' with my brain. I just am tightly bonded to a Mal-adaptive behavior
Last time we met, our therapist asked us to think about what direction we wanted to go in, because he might be leaving the office we go to. P and I originally went in to get marriage counseling. Last summer we were pretty rocky. Most of it attributes to losing our baby.

Anyway, we have hit the one year mark of losing her, and I survived that pretty well. Our last few sessions have always seemed to land on my Eating Disorder. This topic became more prevalent after my family found this blog and my Instagram account. But just as I sometimes express myself pretty harshly on here, I sometimes do in therapy when I am on my own. I am able to speak my mind. So we have decided that I will go every other week for now.
I told my therapist I did not want to find a new person, I didn't know if finding someone who specialized in ED would be better(he is a sex therapist more or less). But he said, they find most therapy is successful because of the relationship and trust you build with your therapist. So I am pleased.

Unfortunately I am struggling. I have lost almost 10 pounds the last 4-6 weeks. Some of it is normal, some is because of restriction.

How the hell

How in the hell am I supposed to connect with anyone these days? My younger sister has started using Herba Life supplements and shakes. Every other fucking day is a post of how she has lost weight, progress pics, blah blah blah. She has gotten my other two sisters to join her. I am not raining on their wellness parade. (Well maybe I am a little). It's just like, agghhhghhhhhhhh Shut up. Please.






She invite me to her "shake" party.
Me: sorry that stuff is way to triggering for my eating disorder.

Two weeks later my other sister invites me.

I gave the same response.

I just am so triggered. I am already teetering on relapse mode. When I see the obsession and constant focus from them, it makes me want to puke. It also makes me think
why am I not trying to lose weight? I should be trying to lose weight. I should be only eating once a day and drinking shakes like they do

You get bet that I get the worst anxiety just thinking of what we would talk about if we got together " weight loss. Weight loss weight loss weight loss."

I love them. But I can't be around them right now. I just can't. I am happy they are achieving what they want. I truly am.

But I have to set boundaries. And I wish I didn't

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Can you let yourself go there?

I had a therapy appointment today. Just me and the therapist. We have been seeing him as a couple since June/July. I felt like going alone because sometimes its hard to talk about my eating disorder in front of Perry.

A: How are things going
Me: I am having a hard time.
A:what's going on?
Me: I have been restricting.

After a few sentences he states
A: I have never seen this side of you. You seem very open, vulnerable, real. I wonder what it would be like if you were this way around everyone

That has stuck with me all night. I definitely was different today in front of him. I came to him very humbled. Very worn. Very eager for help. Maybe he saw the side of me that is scared. The side of me that really wants help. Really wants freedom.

Me: I feel like I want to evade the emotions. I need to be empty(oops ED language came out)
A: what do you mean empty
Me: ... I don't know why I said that .... I guess I meant when I restrict I feel numb. It numbs my emotions.

My therapist is a marriage/family/sex therapist. He is not really in the ED realm. But I feel like he is very aware. I usually refer my baby as "the baby" "our baby".

A: does it bother you if I refer your daughter as your daughter?
Me: no. But I can't
A: why is that? Do you feel like you have a daughter?
Me: no

I cried a lot. It's hard to call her my daughter. It's hard to call her by the name we gave her, Olive. It makes it more real if I call her those things.

A: does not referring your daughter as anything more personal make it easier to numb your emotions?
Me: yes.
A: what would you want to say to her if you could talk to her?
Me: I hate disappointing people
A: how do you do that?
Me: by the way I act and how I cope

After more talking:
A: are you going to be okay this week?
Me: I am not going to do anything majorly stupid
A: should I be worried about you?
Me: I doubt I will stop restricting. I am sorry but I can't promise I will stop
A: I understand. But I want you to try and get back to where you were emotionally today. I want you to try and let yourself feel how you feel today. Did it feel good, as hard as it may have been, to talk to me about what is going on?
Me: yes. And it feels good to cry
A: then I want you to try and get back here and not hold back those emotions.

I really liked therapy today. And I am going to try and do what he asked

Loves

-M