Hip Bones

I don't know how I ever lived without seeing them! I have gained some weight to recover from a car accident, and I'm glad that I haven't gained enough that they disappeared.  Yet I remember when they showed most wonderfully.  I will get that back.  For now I am content that I can still see them.  I have this weird thing when falling asleep I hold my hip bone.  Its just a habit I started a long time ago, even before I started losing all my weight.  So can you imagine how I feel when I don't really have to feel for them, they are just there.  I like it when the boy holds them too.   Goal: get weight down so they are showing even more.   The boy will like that too. Woot woo!

Hurt

My heart is hurting.  I thought I gave my heart to one person 3 years ago.  In fact up until about a month ago I was still very much his.  This new boy has made me realize that your heart truly can love more than you think.  I don't know if I 'love' this new boy.  We just barely started spending time together.  He makes me happy, he helped me get out of my zombie self destructive mind.   Isn't that more important?  Being happy?  Being yourself?  Well duh.  Self destruction is a horrible life.  Cutting is only one part of my self destruction.  My ed is a whole other chapter.  I feel so ugly right now, but the new boy must like me anyway so that helps a little. It motivates me to try hard.  What I'm afraid of is the months ahead.  I know i'll be torn between two different people.

Shit.  What was I thinking?  

keep breathing

Keep Breathing





The storm is coming but i don't mind. People are dying, i close my blinds.
All that i know is i'm breathing now.





I want to change the world...instead i sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me.





But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.





Ingrid Michaelson

I don't really understand my feelings. Last night I told the boy about my bestfriend(who I dated for a long time). I was so nervous.. I puked. I cried. I was a wreck. But..he stayed. He still wants to try and date. I can't believe it. I'm very happy. Very at peace. I just ate way too much food but hopefully I'l be able to move on and up. I've been doing strong. I want to be 103, and with patience it will happen.

Water

Nothing replaces it. For a while I was drinking so much diet coke. I feel so much better now that I have stopped. Right now I'm craving a cool glass of water.

Success!

I fasted from friday night until today(monday) afternoon.  It was much needed.  I am starting to feel so much better with myself.  I would have kept fasting but I am going to go workout today with my trainer.  Things are going well with the boy.  He offered to make me Vegan Lasagna!  He is so sweet.  He isn't a vegan, but he is willing to try my kind of food.  He is also great motivation for me to stay strong.  Thats all for now

Control whilst drinking

Last night I had soo much fun.  I ended up going to a party where I knew I'd be smoking and drinking.  It was almost like a test for me.  After smoking I'd tell myself that gum, chapstick and water could cure the dry mouth.  I didn't want to throw up in front of the boy from over drinking, so that was easy to keep in control.   I tell you what though, it is nice to drink on an empty stomach.  If I want alcohol to affect me I'd rather have to drink less of it and avoid the calories.

I've almost gone 24 hours without food.  Lots of liquids and water though.  I'm feeling more in control.  I need to keep this up.  I can't lose control because thats where I get depressed.  I hate myself, I want to hide from the world.  I think that everyone is looking at my flaws.  So its better this way.  I don't mind it.  In some sick way I need it.  I'm messed up no?

Last night was horrible.  I probably ate close to 2000 calories and I was so upset.  One of the reasons I ate more than I planned was because I got upset about something.  I WILL NOT BECOME AN EMOTIONAL EATER.  I've never been that way and I will never let myself start getting that way. I don't like the idea of taking comfort in food.  I have so many issues with food, aside from my ed, that if anything, when emotional, I lose my appetite.  I don't eat meat.  I can't eat dairy or wheat.  I'm not complaining either!  I love eating natural raw food!  I feel way better when I cut out all the processed junk.  

Today I feel a lot better.  The sun is out and that helps my mood.  I need to get the the gym, but I've been so tired I'm afraid of getting sick and then being out from the gym for even longer, so for now I just need to watch what i'm eating.