Personal Thinspo

 I hate you fat Mindy girl i hate hate hate you. Me at 120. i like her:

Intake: 777

Outake: 551

NET:226

 

Booh yeah bitches. i need to go to bed now. the husband is working on a project with a friend. Please shut up soon ok? i have a long day tomorrow.

 

Excuse the fatness but check out our recent family photos



I need to set up a reward system. This weeks reward will be going TANNING!! I promote skin cancer, only becasue it get so damn gloomy where I live and I can't stand it.
How did everyones Thanksgiving go? (For those who celebrate American thanksgiving). I am happy to annouce I survived. There are so many things surround this time of year that trigger major anxiety and depression. As I explained to my therapist:

• Having an ED around such a Food Filled event sucks. I remember some thanksgivings where I would b/p all day. All Fucking day. I hate the obssesion surrounding this damn holiday. I hate the "black friday" bull shit(no offense to anyone that loves black friday. this is just me). There are crowds, traffic, pissy people, ultra happy people. All of it.
• Family: My family sucks most of the time. Mainly: Father. Brother #2, Sis in law, and other sister. Plus all of the little nieces and nephews, whom i adore, but not when they are all together at once. My family likes to cope by being silly. and annoying. Ugh you are 30 years old! Stop playing around at the dinner table. Right?
• This time last year: This time last year I had suspicions that I was pregnant. I remember last TG I was talking to my Mom, my sisters, everyone that has ever been pregnant, trying to figure out why my boobs were so sore. Why I was so tired and moody. I found out I was pregnant I think around today or tomorrow last year. From that point on until we told everyone it was exciting. Scary, but exciting. We had fun surprising the family. His family was so excited for a grandchild. I was scared shitless, but I was happy.

So you see why I hate this time of year. Especially Thanksgiving.

GOOD NEWS!! Is that I was so anxious during TG that i barely ate anything. I ate a lot of good stuff in good porportions, and hardly any dessert. Although I did snack a lot the following days, the point is, I am pleased with myself. I didn't have to pig out. I didn't feel the need to purge(ok maybe once). I am proud of myself.

I finally got the balls to step on the scale and that is what led me to 'reawaken' in blogsphere. I am embarrased. 147. For real? I used to be disgusted when i was 137. Where have my standards and self respect gone? Haha. For those who want to tell me "its not that bad", please refrain. You can tell me that when I start bitching about being 130. Okay?

I have been doing well today. I am staying on target. Except I haven't had enough water. Water is so important. So so so so important. Hey! For anyone interested in viewing my hair blog its Innovative Hair and Style

Good news. In the time it took me to actually post this I have dranken 8+ cups of water! I also worked out for 55 min. Stats

In: 1084

Out: 835

Net: 249

Good night. Sleep well. I'm ready for tomorrow.



XOXO
-M

Ab Thinspo

Think thin.































































































- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

This is how its going to go down

I need to start blogging again. I don't have very many people to talk to that understand and relate to what I go through. No one understands the absolute devistation I can feel when I look in the morning and see a giant whale staring back.

if i said that to someone who doesn't have an ED they would think i was being dramatic.

So I will be posting here again. I need to. I stepped on the scale today and was disgusted. This is the most i have weighed in my whole life. I hate myself. I am worthless fatty fat fat. I miss everyone on here. I started this blog almost four years ago. I have seen people come and go. Luckily, I have not seen someone on here pass away. They just move on. I am so happy for those that can fight the battle, and move on. It is hard to let go of something that feels safe.

Yes. My ED makes me feel safe. Its a way I have been coping for so long. I try other ways. It just goes on from one addiction to the next. I would rather not mutilate my body(been doing really well on not cutting btw). I would rather not drink alcohol(as it only makes me retain and gain weight). I also would rather not starve myself. But that doesn't seem to have any immediate hurt toward my husband.

So if there is anyone out there that still follows me. Let me know so I can follow you back. Now I must post the embarrassing stats.

Height 5'7
Weight 148
Tomorrows Goal: Intake 1200. Outake 500. Water 8 glasses.

Hey lovely people

I am alive. Not that we'll though.

Unfortunately I have need depressed as fuck. I started drinking again in June. If I can't starve I self harm. If I can't do that I guess I drink? You guys I seriously need help.

Aside from the drinking.

I am actually doing well.

Ha

Emotionally. Not.

I am going back to my wine and probably regretting that I wrote this!!!

Where to begin

Ladies and Gentleman.  I have been working my ass off. 7 days a week. I don't have any time or real privacy to post. I vow to do better though. I started using instagram. @stickthin. The thing with that place though, is that nearly EVERYONE is under the age of 18. I need people I can relate to. I have been such a bad friend to not try harder. I miss you all.

I work two jobs. Doing hair. And doing office work, HR, Books, secratary. Its insane. And it is self induced. Why? Do you ask? Because

My marraige is struggling. I am really having a hard time being married.

We started getting some counseling together. I don't really know what to think. All I can say is that we owe it to each other to grieve the loss of our child, together. Then we will move on from there. My life is a mess. I am a mess. I started drinking again. It was such a poor choice, but I can't seem to really stop. Or want to stop.

Do you know how hard it is to work in a profession(doing hair), where you need to put on a face? I don't mind listening to my clients. Its just so exhausting to pretend like I am "fine". I am absoultey not ok in any way shape or form.

I feel so low. I feel like a piece of shit. I want to lose weight quickly, but I don't want to deal with the consequences.

I have started hurting myself again. Cutting.  Bruising. Will I ever let this go? I can't

I can't

Becuase I know that this form of coping works. I know it does. Someone PLEASE present me with something that works just as well. Until then.

I can't let it go


ps. I am a little drunk. Hope my words make sense

Liquid fast?!

I want to do a liquid fast soon. I have to do it on a day that my husband is out late. This coming Tuesday I think. Here is my latest body pics.



I am sitting at 140.4. I want to get out of the 40s!!!

I am usually around 135. But this is post pregnant body.

I told my husband last night that I wanted to start eating a little more vegetarian again. He didn't oppose the idea.

How do you sneak cutting calories? I like to take the tops of my sandwiches and combining the bottoms. Look how much I didn't eat last night.



I did a 4 mile run Thursday. I need to do Something today after work. Wish me luck!