Puppy love!!

This is my new puppy!!

Running is Cleansing

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body

but at the same time not pooping too soon

I ran 4 miles today

1) 11:20

2) 9:30

3) 10:47

4) 10:52

So total time was around 33 minutes

I enjoy running during the hottest time of day

it makes it harder to keep a fast pace

but i like the challenge

i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite

obsessive

I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.

I have been doing more lifting and not just running

so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it

obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive

too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make

excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start

craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as

much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was

not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I

are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a

responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The

worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.

because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.

It's been a while

I've been quite the absent blogger. I will make some attempts to update a little, but no promises!

I was on a birth control, the depovera, for 9 months. I'd heard that it can sometimes make you gain weight. Up until the third shot I didn't notice anything. I started running a ton a few months ago, but my body shape was making little changes. So I don't know if the shot made me "gain" weight, but I definitely felt like it was kind of making me retain weight.

Now that I've been off it for a couple months I am finally starting to tone up! I had the muscle underneath it all ha ha.

My husband and i have also been trying to get to the gym together. It helps to have someone else making goals with you. I am trying not to do anything drastic. I could definitely eat a little better, but I've come a long way since going to the treatment center.

When I left the center I felt like I didn't know how to eat. I didn't like the ideas they put in my head. I had to redefine what and how I would eat.

It sucked.

Butt!! I am a lot happier these days. So that's good, right?

Its been gloomy a lot this summer. My thinspo for today is inspired by the weather outside:

Restricting

Makes me feel high

Makes me anxious

Makes me not able to sleep

Makes my husband worry

Makes my husband want to feed me like a child

Makes me feel in control.

Cons outweigh Pros, but often reason is shoved under the bed and I let the illogical 'sick' self roam free.

Past

I hate seeing pictures of myself from when I was thin. I still wish I looked small and fragile. It's a battle to not jump into restricting again.

I have been running regularly. My. Legs are looking really toned, but my upper body? Yucky. I wish I could just be happy with the way I am.

Running

I am done with CFC and it feels good. I am just trying to balance out my life, rediscover things, decide what I want to take from treatment, and move forward.

I have been running regularly since mid February. At first I felt like I was just getting fatter, but I told myself it was just muscles. Well the last week or so I've really noticed my body tighten and tone up! I have lost 3-4 pounds, but I am most happy about how I feel when I run.

Free. It's exciting. Ah.

Going to do 4 miles now. Ta

Let it bleed

Sometimes it's easier to bleed. Lose weight. Hunger pains. Weak body. Tired brain. Lost soul. Broken heart.

You are passive. You don't know what happened yesterday, last week, a month ago, a year? The hole is always too small

To climb into. Smaller.

Being smaller will cure everything. You know, ultimately. To fit into the hole. Means

You are dead. If it doesn't kill you today, tomorrow, in a week, month, or years, it will get you. Even if you live until your hair is white, your skin is folded

It's taken

Time.

Do you really want to continue in pain? Do you really want it to destroy.

Relationships. People are frustrated. You wish they would
Let
You
Suffer

Because that's what you deserve. You don't belong. You don't fit in. People see you and are afraid. To talk to you. Who is that girl. Why is she here?

Do you believe those voices? Or do you dare.
To
Fight
Back