breaking

b: peaches - 175

soy hot cocoa

l: -

snack: cheerios

Workout:

Abs, shoulders, back, triceps

Eliptical 45 minutes, burning 415 cals

This photo illustrates what muscles a hair dresser gains. yummy(not) see it under the collarbone?

I am pretty sure that from cutting hair.

I had a little break down today. I don't like my body. I don't like it at all. Lyndee was so nice to hear me whine, and give me some encouragement.

Here's what was said during therapy session:

"What worries you about inpatient?"

no control, I'll have to communicate with people, will they put me on a pedastool and strip me from who i am? will i even want to recover? or will I just stick through it and then revert back to old ways.

"You are going to a place where you are no longer alone. These people, and other patients, know how you feel, and have possibly shared what you are going through. Instead of being the minority, you are part of a majority"

Its weird to think about. I mean, it would be like all of us bloggers getting together in one room. I won't be alone, and I won't have to whine to people who can't understand what it is to have an eating disorder.

I'm down 1 pound today. I thought I was gaining. Keeping my chin up, and going to try and tone back up so I like my body more

1 month

I have been a wife for 1 month. Weird to think about.

In 1 month I'll be alone in bed at the treatment center.

In 1 month I could lose around 10 pounds.

Or gain 10

So much can happen in a month.

Ok I am feeling really sick right now. In the stomach. P has continually been paranoid that I could be pregnant. He is just a worrier.

Well with the way I feel right now, a part of me is terrified. I know the chances are very very low, so I'm not trying to think about it too much.

Gotta sleep. Sweet dreams



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5 miles

I got home from work today and wanted to workout. I asked P if I could workout, he wanted me to wait so we could eat dinner. I asked him if he would go to the gym later with me, he said 'yes' but I didn't trust him enough to really go with me, and I knew it would be harder to get myself to go.

Sooooo I too advantage of the warm weather and started to run. I am still getting used to the new area we live, and I happened to find a track! I don't know what pushed me to do it, but I ran 4 miles on the track!!! Total I probably ran 5 miles, and burned about 500-600 cal.

I am proud of myself. I am getting more in the habit of exercise again, and I feel semi good about intake so far.

I asked P to bring me lunch. Hmph. Two spicy chicken sandwiches was his choice. His band members were dropping it off at the salon, but I told them to forget about it.

Carbs and processed food. I don't need it, I don't want it.

I have been eating too much sugar. Time to get control of that.

I have somewhat calmed down about treatment, for now. I sent an email to some lady asking her about thanksgiving.

One of the reason I am choosing to get help when I am is because i hate the holiday. Two years ago I b/p the whole day.

Last year I just avoided it all together.

So i am thrilled to be in a safe place. But where does P go? He can't go anywhere with extended family. It would be awkward and he would get sad. So I asked this admissions lady if he could eat a meal with me.

I get a voicemail saying 'we don't know if we can grant you a pass to leave for the holiday blah blah bah'.

I was like, did you read my email? I didn't say I wanted to leave. I called her back and wee clarified things.

Good news is, P gets to visit me for a while that day :). Yay.

Thanks for all your support and warm thoughts. I will probably be inpatient for about 3 weeks, and then they'll decide if I need more time or if I can start just day program.

I hope my desire to really recover will come while I am there. As I was running I was thinking, if I gain to much wait I'll just restrict again until I feel better, and then I'll try to be healthy.

Sigh.

Do you think they'll help me have better thinking? We'll see. We'll see.

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Tantrum

Maybe I am in bed at the moment having a slight tantrum. Maybe. I just left my warm comfortable bed to get away from my husband.

I was crying, scared about in patient. I needed him. He's too tired.

I saw my nemesis, and stepped on up. I flipped off the scale when I discovered my weight. I will reweigh in the morning, I just drank a lot of liquid and ate a small meal.

I heard back from the treatment center. They were ready to admit me as early as next week. I old her I was thinking more along the lines if thanks giving. That repulsive sick holiday. I loathe it. Loathe. It.

So my admittance day is November 15. 10:30 am. I just read the email. And am freaking out, if you can't tell.

Rules. Phone calls. I have to eat 100% of meals?!? I can't even wear my beautiful wedding ring. I have to share a bathroom? Gross. Swim suit is mandatory.

I want to cut right now. I won't, maybe. Ugh. No. Yes. Why not? Who cares.

On the more positive note, I ran 5 miles today!!!!!!!!!! Yahooooo.

I promise I'll be more level headed next post


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Wednesday

B: half bagel with light cream cheese. A couple small handfuls of cheerios.
L: ---
D: made P a birthday dinner, chicken veggie stirfry with rice. Oh and don't forget salad. I made it through a couple bites of stir fry and half my salad.

I rested my forehead on hands and said to P defeatedly:

It's really hard for me to eat right now.

He sweetly said, maybe finish your salad and have a couple bites if you can.

Minutes after his family showed up o celebrate his birthday. I offered them the uneaten meal.

Desert: small portion of brownie, no bake peanut butter thing, and about 1/3 cup of ice cream.

Dinner, take 2:
1/2 cup of cheerios, 1/2 banana, almond milk

Why does restricting make me feel so good? When I had the choice of grabbing food for lunch, I by passed it. I wanted to skip it. What drives me to want to starve?

Here are a few triggers:

Sense of control: cliche, but so unbelievable true that it's haunting

Stress

Depression(although this can also lead to carless eating)

Self esteem

Punishing myself or others

Coping with stress, anger, fear

Does anyone mind if I ask what weird compulsions or rituals you have? I got asked that while I was being assessed at the treatment center. My answers:

Hot drinks have to be hot, cold drinks have to be iced(and usually I have to be able to drink them with a straw or without getting liquid on my upper lip.

I don't like touching metal on doors. I am a germaphobe. I hate when things aren't organized.

I usually like eating with a fork and knife so I can neatly it my food. I don't like using big spoons.

I don't like eating food with my hands, I hate when food makes them greasy or sticky.


I am sure there are more but can't think of any and may not notice some.


I love being married. Ah. P and I are excellent lovers for each other. I retire to sleep before I say too much.


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Doubles

I ran this morning, did the elliptical. Maintained a decent intake. And then ran again in the evening with my husband. My question is, can I keep it up? Can I stick to my goals?

I don't like to set a number as my goal. At one point in my disordered life, that's all that drive me. Realistically, I would probably look disgusting at a weight I once desired. If not disgusting, undesirable. And P has told me several times he was glad he never saw me when my boobs shrank. Ha ha. Wait. Is that funny?

Anyway. My goals are rational and realistic. They are to get back into the habit of going to the gym, organize the rest of my house, and be a good wife.

Tomorrow I am meeting with someone at the treatment center. They will asses and determine what I need. I struggle with the decision of treatment, especially if they suggest inpatient.

My therapist still wants me to consider.

Do you know what I hate? This question:

Do you struggle with anorexia or bulimia?

You'd think a treatment center would know it's a little harder to define than A or B.


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In patient

I talked with my therapist today. First meeting since the wedding. She is still pushing in patient. I am 80% going by my own will. I was scared for P. He gets depressed, and I didn't want him to feel lonely.

So I asked one of his band mates if he would stay over a few nights while I am gone, I explained the situation. Not only was he willing to move in the whole time, but he also offered to pay rent.

What is there to worry about?

Oh yeah. Losing my control. That is a huge thing in my life. And I hat being unorganized, I hate that feeling of messy life. Ugh.

And another thing... I got on birth control today. P is such a worrier, he thinks I can be pregnant everytime we have intercourse. I was very much against it, but at least for a while he can shut up. It was pissing me off so bad.

I got the Depo shot. The lady was hesitant to give it to me when she found out I have dealt with my ED. Why? Weight gain.

I believe it's a crock of shit. I am not saying it will or won't happen. But does she realize she is talking to an anorectic? If I even think I am gaining weight, I moderate or change things. Silly.

I am at the Anberlin concert, bit feeling ultra sick and have a migraine. I love you all


Xoxo

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