Please don't cry

Last night I was at my brothers place with my boyfriend.  We had a fun time drinking pina coladas and playing the game bull shit, which I won.  I have this on going thing with my brothers.. I will never learn to play poker ha ha.  It was still a fun night.  When my boyfriend and I went to go to sleep I could tell he wanted to talk.  So we did.  You see this morning I went to my bestfriends(old bf) house.  He is out of the country and we talk through email.  It being mothers day though, he got to call home.  

So my boyfriend, J, asked me if my friend, P, knew about him.  I said I hadn't told P yet.  We are still working out other things in our relationship.  J kept pushing the subject.  I was somewhat drunk so that didn't help.  I started crying "babe please don't cry" J says.  I was so upset though.  I wanted to yell at him, tell him to go away, don't touch me, don't talk to me.  I just cried. 

I'm sick of life right now.  I miss P.  I really hope he gives me a second chance to be his friend.  

Sorry this entry isn't very uplifting

Letter to myself

Dear Self,

How do you feel? Unhappy right? Who brought you here? Yourself. Do you remember having ultimate control? Feeling empty. Feeling light. Feeling numb. The kind of numb that only comes after 3 days of barely eating anything. The kind of sensation you get when you know you have that power to choose wheather or not you think you should eat. What happened? You used to be so small. People used to say "You're too skinny" "You need to eat more". You liked hearing that didn't you? Because then you knew you were at least thin enough to other people that they noticed you. So what is your decision? Are you going to get back that control? Or are you going to continually hate yourself more and more. The choice is yours and yours alone, as it always is. Do you like feeling like a huge fat whale when you are being held by your bf? Where did your hip bones go? Where are your collarbones? They are still there babe. And you are still here. You can make the change. I know you can. Small steps at a time. You can do it.

Love Your Skinny Self

I've compiled a list of Foods I should never consume:
Milk Chocolate(I'm trying to be pure vegan) So no candy unless it is dark chocolate with no milk added.
Peanut Butter
Candy (I'll allow myself some every so often as long as there is no animal prodcut. But I'm a chocolate fan so this most likely won't be a problem. Plus its too sweet)
Cookies, Cakes, Breads, Muffins (I'm allergic to Gluten so I really shouldn't eat those, and they are all made with eggs. Again, trying to be vegan)
Soda(I haven't had this in months, nor does it appeal to me..but still just in case)
Butter
Foods I can eat:
Vegetables!!!
Fruits!!!
Rice!! Rice cakes, Rice Milk, Rice Cheese, Rice Ice Cream(on special occasions. I don't really crave it that much)
Berries.
Almond Milk, Almond Cheese, Almond Butter
Black Beans ( I don't really like any other kind)
Indain and Thai Food (within reason. I don't have money to buy it, so again not a problem
Vegan Cookies that I make myself
Game Plan (gp)
Start cutting calories to 800-1000 a day. Depending on how much I workout that day
Today I've eaten: 1 banana..about 100 cal. a few sips of coffee. Lunch will be an orange 60-70 cal. I might have a protein shake before I workout tonight =130 cals.
Its a new day. Stay Strong

May 6

I love the hair on this model. plus she has a beautiful body.

Happy Continuation day to me.
I don't feel like I'm 20. I feel like I'm 17 years old. I think its because when I was 17 I was completely happy. I loved myself. I love my life. I had the most wonderful boyfriend. You can't go back in time. You can only try and make the present life worth all you can.

I'm going out with my parents in a few hours. Probably Thai food. Being vegan is wonderful. I just don't like white rice because it has no nutrtional value. Oh well. It should be a good day. My best friend is stopping by my office in a bit. She got married last August and I really have seen her much since. After lunch I'll probably go to school, or have a visit with my boyfriend. Then I have to do one client tonight. Afterward I plan to get wine happy..maybe smoke some peace. I haven't decided. I just want to have a good stress free day.

xoxo

Agent

I'm signing with an agent tomorrow!  I am so excited.  I also have a photoshoot in the morning.  

and tomorrow is my Birth DAy!!! I'm going to get wine happy.

This is motivation to the max.  I worked out just barely.  I still have weight to lose.  Now that possible jobs will depend on it..its going to happen

Ok so totally fat

These were the two that I like the most from a mini photoshoot yesterday. I'm so fat. And I have a photoshoot tomorrow with a photographer. He is bringing the wardrobe. I'm so in trouble if I don't fit into them. Not eating anymore today. Took 4 laxatives. Vaccuum treatment tomorrow and water pills tomorrow morning. I hope it works out.

Still, I'm very excited to get into modeling. I have at least 10 more pounds to lose

break up

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend.  I don't know what to do.  There are days where I absolutely love him.  Then there are days when I don't think I love him the way he loves me.  

Damn it all

Not so Bad

Ok so last night I went to the open casting thing for a bikini calendar.  It wasn't what I expected.  In fact it was better than what I expected.  They are a new company and if they choose me as a model it would kind of be like an agency.  Yet, they are totally fine and encourage their models to work with anyone that wants to use us.  I don't hear back from them until today or tomorrow.  I don't know if I'm calendar material..but it would be amazing if they chose me.  

If not.  I'll live.  I have a few other shoots lined up for other photographers.  I have one tomorrow for some headshots.  On monday I'll be working with someone all day.  Then a few others.  This is so motivating for me.  I feel like I have more control.  I need to get back in shape.  I've already gone down in weight.  

Ha ha this might be tmi.. but yesterday I peed green.  I took some laxatives wednesday night to make sure anything in my stomach would be out. Then yesterday I was taking water pills to look as slim as I could for the casting.  I think maybe a mixture of both did something.  Ah well. 

My boyfriend got really down last night when I talked about me modeling.  I asked him if he would be jealous when I worked with male photographers.  He said yes.  I told him he didn't need to worry about it because it was all business.  He said "I think they are getting the better end of the deal"   Bleh.  I can understand where he is coming from, but I wish he would be more supportive.  Like "babe I'm really glad you are getting to work with some photographers.  You're doing what you want"  Instead its "oh other boys are going to photograph you."  Sigh.  I can't please anyone.