Stick Thin

so sick so sick of being tired

2011-10-28T22:49:00.002-06:00

and oh so tired of being sick! - taking back sunday

I love that band.

So I just took my third test for this class. 76 percent. Now, before you think i'm stupid, this is a science class and the average is like a 60 precent. The last test had an A at 74 percent. I am happy!

I am not happy about my face and how chubby it looks in pictures. I want my old body back.

I've been wearing ankle weights like everyday ha ha. Every calorie counts, right?

Food stinks

2011-10-20T19:48:00.001-06:00

I have agreed to go out to eat with a girl I met in treatment. She was the one that suggested dinner. I feel like I can't really make up any old excuse. She'd know. Plus, I want to see her. We really connected.

Last time I weighed in I was 135.8.

My husband has been baby sitting me a lot more with meals. He knows I've been cutting too. No reason to hide it. I know I need to stop.

I ran four miles yesterday! It felt soooo good. But I didn't stretch ha ha. Bad girl. Can't wait to go home and use my foam roller on my sore muscles.

I haven't been able to blog. My husband started getting annoyed with me reading your blogs.

I'll be back sooner than last time

Xoxo

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

why are you cutting such small bites

2011-10-10T22:18:00.002-06:00

I went on a double date Saturday night. I felt pretty confident. I didn't eat a ton. I had:

b: half a pumpkin chocolate chip homemade muffin

soy mocha

l: chicken apple cashew salad, veggies, corn chips

So dinner at Texas Roadhouse (never thought I'd go here but my friend sold me when she said salmon) didn't scare me. I had one and a half of a small roll. Shared a frozen lemonade with hubby. a few peanuts. And then 1/4 sweet potato and 1/4 of my Salmon.

Well, whilst eating my friend asks me:

Why are you cutting your food so small

great. now all eyes are on me. she knows I have an ED and am struggling. It was so awkward. So effing awkward. Why did she have to say anything? I don't think people should ever comment on how someone eats. I talked to my husband about it last night, and he agreed.

He said one time he was at work, eating a few spoonfuls of ice cream out of the tub. He didn't want to get a bowl, it was his ice cream. Then someone walks in and says "what are you doing oinker? going to eat the whole tub to yourself?" He said

that pissed me off

and I don't even have an eating disorder

Stooopid people. stupid. stupid. stupid.

Workout for the weekend. Stair climber, 30 min. Lazy me

Today. was.

interesting.

I rented "The Black Swan" and watched part of it during work. Very triggering if you have an ED or suffer a multiple personality. ha. that's me. I don't think I'm bi polar, but when I get sucked into my ED its like I have two people talking to me.

anyway.

I didn't get to finish all of it before I drove to coach my swim team. On my way there I was kind of having a breakdown. I texted my sister who has recovered from years of bulimia/anorexia etc, and who is also a therapist. We did some guided imagery therapy. I told her that the Center for Change taught me how to cope and blah blah blah. But I never felt like I learned how to deal with the "real problem".

She didn't pressure me to come back anytime soon. She just said

I love you

let me know if you need to come back

It was nice to talk to someone who understands.

I went to the gym just a while ago.

biceps, lower back, shoulders and abs

25 min bike

15 min eliptical

I'm weighing myself in the morning.

Quckie

2011-10-07T00:15:00.001-06:00

Here is today's intake. It says "late dining" but that's only because I entered it at night.

Total: 1,000

I was on the go pretty much all day. I was also on my feet almost all day. Once I finally got done working I went to my sisters house to help them move.

Lost of lifting and walking up stairs. I count that as my workout. Besides, my butt is so sore from yesterday's workout. I did like 60 lunges.

3 sets of 20(10 each leg)
Rd 1: normal
Rd 2: diagonal, so right leg goes across left, vice versatile
Rd 3: side squats/ lunges.

I also did a lot of incline on the treadmill. Here is a good butt workout.
Speed 3.5-4.0.
5 min warm up
2 min : 2.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min 4.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 6.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 4.0
2 min: 0
2 min: 2.0
2 min: 0
5 min Warm down
30 min total.

Yesterday I went all the way to 8.0, repeated twice then went back down. You will feel my pain if you do this workout. The best thing is that I don't get bored, and I am in the fat burning range.

I'm trying to decide if I'll weigh in tomorrow or wait a couple more days.

i love skinny jeans

2011-10-05T20:37:00.002-06:00

I also love fall because you can bundle yourself up, and I feel a little more confident in my skinnies when I'm not so exposed up top.

Weigh in: 137.2. UGH that is such a big number to me. Before treatment I was in the 120-125. I am however pleased with my weigh in. Intake today? I don't know how I feel.

b: toast (2) 220

l: chicken and rice 400?

skittles: 220 (bad of me)

cheese sticks lindt chocolates(purged)

d: 1/2 spinach greek wrap ? 400?

under 1500.

Out put:

weights: triceps, biceps, back, lunges

1 miles run - 10 min

35 min treadmill fast walking, alternating incline

20 min bike.

I'm guessing at least 500

I have a headache from purging. Why did I do it? Anxiety. Frustration. Stress. I didn't want to cut.

I am the "manager" at my salon. My boss moved about an hour away to finish school. She comes down "once" a week. We are currently losing business. I predicted this would happen when she left. She is making money by doing nothing, so she doesn't have to provide for herself.

We stylist however, have bills to pay. Since we make commission, sitting around not doing clients is not helpful. I personally have enough clientelle to make due, but yeah. Long story short. I set up a meeting for all of us, so we can try and get some change happening.

My fears: my boss gets defensive, she doesn't want to change things, i have to find a new job because i am getting tired of working under someone who doesn't care about "her" salon anymore.

Ok. gotta study.

sweater weather

2011-10-04T17:54:00.003-06:00

b: toast with a pat of butter - 150?

s: banana - 90

l: chicken soft taco + mt dew - 210 + 220

s: skittles 230

d: 5 piece nuggets + sweet and sour sauce 280

= 1, 180

So now i'm trying to decide if I will allow myself a final thing to eat. Its a slimfast bar, 200 cal. I would be pleased to be at 1400 today. I definitely think I need to cut out the calorie drinks. Water. Water water. right? I love water. Unfortunately water doesn't have caffeine.

I can't cut back a lot of calories too sudden. For one, I'm afraid of binges. I would rather allow myself food when I still want it, not Everytime I want it, but you know what I mean. I also can't put myself in the dangerzone. I don't want to argue with people. I don't want to talk to a therapist. I don't want to even think about treatment.

So for those of you who think 1400 is too much. It's not too much for me.

can you tell that I'm 'afraid of what people think of me?

I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Scary. Sort of.

Does anyone have blogs they'd recommend? Or if you are a follower, and I don't follow you, let me know!

xoxo

smiles

2011-10-03T21:55:00.002-06:00

I've been reading your blogs today. Everyone seems to be in a similar funke.

I wish I could help you out. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. When I have been really really down, I remind myself of this: Nothing is constant. Change happens for better or for worse. So which will you make it?

I don't have a lot to say today. I slept until 12. I hate the period. ooo do I hate it.

I went to the gym and did 55 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of abs. I did this while reading my homework. Two birds with one stone!

my husband asked what I was doing just now. he was mad to find out that I was reading your blogs. I am going to bed.

xoxo

compliments, or trying to get a better tip?

2011-09-28T12:22:00.002-06:00

I have had a busy morning. It's my first day off from work in a week.

I took my dog to the vet
bought him some toys and a cute sweater thing
got a mani and pedi
renewed my cosmetology license
paid a bill

And now I am going to go to the gym.

But while I was getting my pedicure, I tell the Vietnamese that I run a lot, and it makes my feet get callused.

"you run a lot? that's why you're so skinnny"

I tried not to smile, and maybe he was just trying to compliment me to receive a better tip. Either way I liked to hear that.

xoxo

Drum roll please

2011-09-27T17:57:00.002-06:00

I have finally lost a pound. Go ahead and laugh at my small accomplishment.

I feel powerful today:

B: Toast

Iced mocha

L: Banana

D: Slim fast bar

m&m's

total is probably what? under 800.

If I start trying to count calories too obsessively I won't do very well in my Physical Science Class

Among other news.. I am finally getting internet starting in October. No longer will I have such sporadic posts, plllluuusss... (plus)

I'll be able to do better with following other blogs.

xoxo

Winter Girls

2011-09-22T18:53:00.003-06:00

I started reading that book again. (Winter Girls) I am sure the author did a lot of research, but I have a hard time reading books, written by people who have never gone through what we've been through.

I re opened the cut again. It's like feeling that small bit of pain keeps me on track.

I didn't do as well will my intake as I would have hoped, but I am not unhappy with what I've done.

I want to go to the gym. But my friend wants me to come over. Unfortunately for her, I want to go to the gym more. HA. I want to fit back into my jeans. The ones I got when i was around 120-125. I think I can get at that weight without people worrying about me. I won't go super fast, I'm not in a rush.

Slow and Steady

Sleeping

2011-09-21T22:07:00.001-06:00

Today I hid from the world by sleeping. Yes. Signs of another season of depression? Probably. But I am going to try and take 5HTP again(herbal supplement containing seratonin)

I have taken anti depressants twice in my life. Each time for only a few months. They worked to help stabilize things, but in the end I feel better without them. I'd rather be able to feel all my emotions, instead of just feeling that numbing zombie like buzz.

So I slept until 1:00. I worked out on the treadmill. My but is still sore from doing the stair climber for 30 minutes straight on Monday. I love exercise.

I know I said I wanted to fast, but I got ahead of myself. I knew if I tried to fast too soon, I would end up over eating.

So I ate:

1 piece of toast
Pudding cup
Handful of raw almonds

Builder protein bar
Watermelon jolly rancher sucker

Chicken tortilla soup
1 piece of toast
Frozen yogurt

You know, I am not disappointed with that. I haven't dropped any weight since Monday, but I am already starting to see a change in my waist.

Xoxo

Lapsing Relapse

2011-09-20T19:50:00.002-06:00

I am on the verge of a relapse. The source of the stress I am feeling in my life is a

long story

so I will spare you the head ache and skip to what it has produced. I am in a physics class so i just have to use a formula:

Stress + ED = potential triggers hmm not sure if that works. dang.

There has been stress building up, slowly. And then all the sudden i'm being sucked into "negative coping skills" as treatment would teach me. What caused the sudden reaction? A really big stress.

I am blabbing. We are being taken advantage of by our old Landlords. For whatever reason, because there are several factors, that feeling (being taken advantage) is one of the biggest triggers for me. I start to feel invisible, voiceless, powerless. I instantly want to gain control of something.

So I've been doing well at not using my ED to cope, but I let this landlord stress get to me, and I gave in to a few behaviors.

Starting with: cutting. just a small one, minimal bleeding. My husband still doesn't know.

Then: restricting (not a ton, but when i get stressed like this I find it easier to not feel hungry, i feel more emotions.

And last night: I was watching ED movies all day, A secret between friends, Sharing a secret, hunger point. Well. I had a reasonable dinner. But I wanted to skip my dinner and was mad that I decided to heat. so. fastest way to get rid of the food in my stomach...you know

I told my husband about purging last night.

and i cried. i felt scared

he handled things very well.

but i am still struggling and I want to start restricting again. I know what i would be getting myself into:

thoughts being consumed with food, isolation, depression, emotional, dysfunctional

AHHHH

But somehow i feel like i function better with it. Ugh

Tomorrow I am going to try and liquid fast until dinner, when I'll eat with my husband. I want to lose 8 pounds.

ok really i want to lose 18 pounds. It's easy to do it during the colder season.

I can't focus in class right now because of these thoughts. If you read this, thank you.

Itch

2011-09-03T00:41:00.001-06:00

I just want to be skinny again. I want my hip bones

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Why is it so hard

2011-08-15T21:26:00.001-06:00

Below are my new running shoes. No one told me how to break them in properly, so maybe I've been healing from some pretty bad blisters for a week :p

Okay the title of this post is maybe too dramatic for how I am feeling and what I'm thinking.
I look in the mirror and rarely like what I see. I ran across some pictures of me a year ago. 15 lbs lighter. I felt a lot more confident with myself. Was I too skinny? I don't think so. I have been skinnier.
I run and exercise a pretty good amount. But I still feel chubby. It frustrates the hell out of me really.
I am afraid to cut back or calorie count because I know I will get obsessive, and with school starting I need to use my brain power there.
I swear when I was restricting I could focus on projects easier. Noe that my brain isn't always thinking about being anorexic, coupled with my ADHD, I have more to think about. Ha ha.

So what to do? I think I need to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I do pretty well on my days off. But night time can be bad too. I think my worst days are weekends. So perhaps i'll have two goals this week.

1: no eating after 8:00 (I know that might sound late but I usually don't get home from work until 6:30.
2: 1-2 sweets for the weekend.

I have been in the process of moving :( Bleh. I can't wait to be in our new place.

My puppy has been so much fun! I love running around with him (gives me more exercise too :). He is a ball of energy for an hour and then he'll sleep for three. I love him

Puppy love!!

2011-08-04T23:27:00.001-06:00

This is my new puppy!!

Running is Cleansing

2011-08-01T13:47:00.002-06:00

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body

but at the same time not pooping too soon

I ran 4 miles today

1) 11:20

2) 9:30

3) 10:47

4) 10:52

So total time was around 33 minutes

I enjoy running during the hottest time of day

it makes it harder to keep a fast pace

but i like the challenge

i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite

obsessive

I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.

I have been doing more lifting and not just running

so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it

obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive

too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make

excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start

craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as

much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was

not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I

are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a

responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The

worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.

because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.

It's been a while

2011-07-31T16:58:00.009-06:00

I've been quite the absent blogger. I will make some attempts to update a little, but no promises!

I was on a birth control, the depovera, for 9 months. I'd heard that it can sometimes make you gain weight. Up until the third shot I didn't notice anything. I started running a ton a few months ago, but my body shape was making little changes. So I don't know if the shot made me "gain" weight, but I definitely felt like it was kind of making me retain weight.

Now that I've been off it for a couple months I am finally starting to tone up! I had the muscle underneath it all ha ha.

My husband and i have also been trying to get to the gym together. It helps to have someone else making goals with you. I am trying not to do anything drastic. I could definitely eat a little better, but I've come a long way since going to the treatment center.

When I left the center I felt like I didn't know how to eat. I didn't like the ideas they put in my head. I had to redefine what and how I would eat.

It sucked.

Butt!! I am a lot happier these days. So that's good, right?

Its been gloomy a lot this summer. My thinspo for today is inspired by the weather outside:

Restricting

2011-04-19T22:31:00.001-06:00

Makes me feel high

Makes me anxious

Makes me not able to sleep

Makes my husband worry

Makes my husband want to feed me like a child

Makes me feel in control.

Cons outweigh Pros, but often reason is shoved under the bed and I let the illogical 'sick' self roam free.

Past

2011-04-18T07:03:00.001-06:00

I hate seeing pictures of myself from when I was thin. I still wish I looked small and fragile. It's a battle to not jump into restricting again.

I have been running regularly. My. Legs are looking really toned, but my upper body? Yucky. I wish I could just be happy with the way I am.

Running

2011-04-05T15:19:00.001-06:00

I am done with CFC and it feels good. I am just trying to balance out my life, rediscover things, decide what I want to take from treatment, and move forward.

I have been running regularly since mid February. At first I felt like I was just getting fatter, but I told myself it was just muscles. Well the last week or so I've really noticed my body tighten and tone up! I have lost 3-4 pounds, but I am most happy about how I feel when I run.

Free. It's exciting. Ah.

Going to do 4 miles now. Ta

Let it bleed

2011-01-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it's easier to bleed. Lose weight. Hunger pains. Weak body. Tired brain. Lost soul. Broken heart.

You are passive. You don't know what happened yesterday, last week, a month ago, a year? The hole is always too small

To climb into. Smaller.

Being smaller will cure everything. You know, ultimately. To fit into the hole. Means

You are dead. If it doesn't kill you today, tomorrow, in a week, month, or years, it will get you. Even if you live until your hair is white, your skin is folded

It's taken

Time.

Do you really want to continue in pain? Do you really want it to destroy.

Relationships. People are frustrated. You wish they would
Let
You
Suffer

Because that's what you deserve. You don't belong. You don't fit in. People see you and are afraid. To talk to you. Who is that girl. Why is she here?

Do you believe those voices? Or do you dare.
To
Fight
Back

Crotchet

2010-12-31T00:39:00.001-07:00

I was told to make sure I take a break from my thoughts, job, etc. So I had a fellow anonymous recoverer re teach me how to crotchet. When I started messing up, I improvised and made something that resembles a ghost.

I had a pretty good day today. I received some good feedback from people. I just need to start believing in he strengths others see I have.

I feel out of shape. Not fat. Just....lazy. I might go snowboarding tomorrow! But I am a little sick in he throat so we'll see.

My new years plans will be to go to a show that my husbands band is playing in. I really hope I get some sleep tonight.

Anyone doing anything fun?

Reinforcing the Behavior

2010-12-28T22:16:00.001-07:00

I am not getting my needs met right now at treatment. I go there for 9 hours a day. I do what I'm asked. I work on challenges they give me.

I
Am
Broke

I need to start working. I told my therapist the urgency. I'd still be going all day 3 days a week. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I wish they would treat me as an individual, believe what I say, listen! Do I have to restrict, cut or purge to get your attention???? If I come tomorrow with bandages will you finally give me the treatment that my Parents are funding. I feel like it's reinforcing my behavior.

I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

My husband painting my toes Christmas day :)

What a depressing last post!!

2010-12-27T17:45:00.004-07:00

I apologize.

Right after I posted, P and I had a long talk about what was going on in my head.

Its still going on

Why do I look at things like this:

It triggers me. I purged on christmas day for the first time in...2-3 months. I am sure watching the documentary "Thin" didn't help. P started getting on my case when he used my phone and saw that I was watching other triggering videos online.

I didn't go to treatment today and I'm so happy. P(my husband) had the day off and my therapist ok'd it. I didn't tell him about the 'slip up', but I did admit i had a hard day. I have to do an cause analysis for him.

I think there are great things I'm learning from treatment, but it has its flaws. I have a hard time knowing what to eat on the weekends, so I always feel like I'm just eating constantly. I hate it. I also feel confident about working out more, in a healthy way, but they pa poo it almost entirely.

I will live

Days go by

2010-12-27T11:45:00.001-07:00

It's so much more than losing weight. It's a way of punishing myself. That's why I hold on o an eating disorder, cutting, and so on. I don't want this to be my life anymore, but sometimes it's hard to kick it to the curb. It's hard to say no to the impulses because they bring some relief. Yet, they don't solve the real struggle.

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5 weeks

2010-12-17T23:01:00.001-07:00

5 weeks of treatment and this is my first weekend of really wanting to engage in restricting. Will the demon ever go away?

I think of you all so much!

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In to the Day

2010-11-26T20:16:00.001-07:00

I am out of the treatment center for the weekend. I will be starting Day Treatment Monday. Which means I am going to be there Mon-Fri 8-6.

I feel good about that, and I am so happy to be home with my husband. I have a lot to blog about, and will be doing so in different posts. Right now I am just checking in. I feel a little alone right now and vulnerable. I am trying not to focus on what we just ate, but I am at a huge music store with my husband and his band mates, so I am a little bit forgotten :)

I'll be fine, just uncomfortable. I am going to see my uncle on Sunday, who is a chiropractor, and see what is going on with my digestion. I think it has to do with dairy, but the treatment center doesn't believe me. I have been feeling so gross and I think it's because of dairy, and digestive aid does not help. I'll do a better post tomorrow.

I am hopeful, and feeling happy

See you

2010-11-15T10:13:00.001-07:00

I'm on my way to be admitted for treatment. Stay safe everyone.

Xoxo

Mindy

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Oh

2010-11-14T02:43:00.001-07:00

Sugar. Why. Why do I eat you?

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Thinspo

2010-11-13T05:28:00.001-07:00

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Unexpected turn

2010-11-10T09:42:00.002-07:00

I don't feel 'betrayed' by my therapist. I guess I just thought she'd be more understanding. When I explained what happened at the treatment center she kind of lectured me. Things like:

"women sacrifice a lot more than you are having to in order to get help"

"if not now, when? Wait for a relapse?"

"you are talking yourself out of it"

"if you choose not to go, admit that its because you are scared, not because they can't help you"

"it is tiring for you to go on for years to obsess about it"

I wasn't saying I didn't think they were competent. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was 'helpless'

So yesterday we came to the conclusion that it is ultimately my choice. But I also got the vibe that I need to stop using Coaching as my excuse. I am on a High right now. Meaning, I am not ultra thin, I'm eating farily well, and exercising in a healthy way.

But how long will that last? I don't know. She thinks if I go in, I won't relapse again. She thinks if I go in, I need to stick it out. I'm so pissed because I think she is right. FFFFFFF

*I just sent a text to the lady I head coach with saying "I am having a hard time deciding with this treatment, they might want me longer than 3 weeks, maybe 5 until I could come back to coaching. I want to know your thought on that.

A: Is there any way you could do it after the swim season? If not we'd just have to work it out."

Ok. So. I hate my life at the moment. This is such a hard decision. But when I take a step back, it SHOULDN'T be. 3-5 weeks, miss most of the season VS a life time of freedom.

Sigh. What a world what a world.

Sleep talker

2010-11-09T23:45:00.001-07:00

My husband just talked in his sleep ha ha. How could I ever leave such a cute thing??? He he.

I met with the therapist, my husband came as well. She still wants me to do in patient. How do I know what decision to make? If it's right? Hells bells.

Bleh

Workout everyday this week, I shall.

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Toning up

2010-11-05T12:12:00.001-06:00

Me in a Vintage slip I found at an antique store a few months ago. It fit too well to not buy

My obliques are finally toning up.

I still have a lot of work to do on my arms.

My arms are usually the last thing to get toned on my body. It's how I've always been.

I ate less than 100 calories yesterday and worked out for about 50 minutes.

My breasts are huge. They shrunk a size when I was my thinnest. Well. Even the beginning of this year they were a little smaller. P loves them big. I just feel uncomfortable. Before the wedding I bought like 4 good Victorias Secret bras. That helps me feel a little better. Sigh. Genetics.

Yesterday I went to Center for Change (CFC) to ask some more questions and get a tour. The story is long, you don't have to read it.

It was a joke. A JOKE! I left super pissed, freaked out, and felt like no one listened to me Let me tell you what went down.

I meet Pam and she asks me what questions I had and how I was feeling.

Me: I am still apprehensive. I know everyone is different but I'd like to know more about what my stay here will be like.
P: here is a schedule of in patient program. (she discussed some of he things)
Me: what options do I have since I'm lactose intollerant
P: the dietitians will give you a lactate pill to help with the digestion
Me: A Lactate pill? I was vegan for a long time, it pretty much killed any tolerance I had for dairy. I have tried using those and it had no affect on me. (I started speaking with an annoyed tone of voice). Do you have other options? I don't really enjoy too much soy product.
P: well I'm not sure exactly, but there are soy products. I remember you saying you were vegetarian but...
Me: I eat fish and turkey the most. Chicken every once in a while.
P: I'm going to have one of our dietitians come in and answer some of these questions. We don't have a 'vegetarian' menu. If they serve a hamburger, they don't have a veggie option. (the dietitian entered) This is Mindy. She has a concern about the Lactate pill and used to be vegetarian.
D: well the Lactate pill is given to those who are lactose intolerant.
Me: (repeating myself) those don't work for me.
D: well, what symptoms do you have? (sounding like she didn't believe me, or I was trying to fake it)
Me: it depends on what form. For example i had 3 bites of cheesecake last week and within 10 minutes i started feeling the affects. Some will just cause bloating, gas, or stomach cramps. Some can block me up. If I get too much dairy constantly I start getting migraines.
D: so have you tried soy?
Me: I use almond product. Is there any way I could use that here
D: well it doesn't have the right content(calories??just say it), we have soy options. And then we could give you the lactate pill as well to help with any dairy that is already mixed in food.
Me: ok that's fine. I hate soy but I can deal with it, dairy is something I physically can't digest. What about meat? I eat turkey and fish.
D: what about chicken.
Me: I have to be in the mood for it or I struggle with. And since eating meat I haven't touched red meat.
D: well maybe it's just the type of red meat. Maybe you don't like steak, but you'll like hamburger mixes with spaghetti sauce if you try it.
Me: I can tell you right now I can't stand hamburger meat. I nibbled on some to 'give it a try'. Does not appeal in the least bit.
D: well if you opt out of eating something then we give you Boost, which is a liquid meal replacement.
Me: ok that's fine
D: but if you choose that, every 8th Boost might push you back in the program. (so I'm punished for not wanting to eat red meat? Hells bells. What if I was still vegetarian, or vegan)

More bull crap for a few minutes

P:so what other questions?
Me:I know that phase 1 people can't exercise. But I see on here that there is at least walking
P: well actually, you aren't allowed that in Phase 1. And since you will only be here for 3 or so weeks you might not get to at all. (I must have given her a look of some sort. Because from this point forward we kind of started arguing). From what I remember we were doing treatment based off your requests. We'd do a short in patient and then switch to day treatment...
Me: this was based off what I could do financially, and how much time I could take off from coaching. I want to know if I did day program if I'd be allowed to leave to coach and come back.
P: well I don't think they would he ok with that. What time do you coach? ( I told her) hmm. We could look at Intensive Out Patient but that starts when you'd be coaching.
Me: well I don't feel like I could take more than 4 weeks off coaching. That's not honest, I wouldn't feel good taking the money I earn.
P: what do you do before you coach?
Me: you mean right now? I work. I have a full time job.
P: oh so coaching isn't your only job? Or...
Me: I don't do it for the money but it is a job.
P: .... Tell me what you are hoping to achieve from this. What are you able to do.
Me: my boss at the salon doesn't expect me to be back to work after 3 weeks. She is willing to work with me. I knew I would probably do some day treatment. But if i had to take more time away from coaching I would have to resign. I'm glad the woman I coach with is understanding and willing to work with me too.
P: well. I just don't know how realistic or beneficial it would be to not get more treatment. And I don't think they'd be okay win you leaving. What about your therapist? Is she willing or ready to handle you when you leave inpatient? What does she think?
Me: we haven't ever discussed the 'after' (bitch. Getting me to even want to do inpatient was a struggle. Are you trying to discourage me from it? Are you a therapist?) So I don't have an answer for you. But I do know she wants me to get back to coaching. She knows it makes me happy. I mean, if I had to, I could go back to coaching in January. That is when the important meets are. I could also maybe coach 2-3 times a week if that makes it better. But at this point I am just going by how I feel. If I don't feel like this place is going to work for me I'll leave. I am not going to waste anyones time or money.
P: they might be able to let you go if it's only a few times (she didn't sound very convincing)
Me: (uttelry annoyed) are rooms shared?
P: (sudden change of mood) Yes. Would you like to go on tour

I didn't say much as she showed me around. I didn't show much enthusiasm when she asked if I liked art or music. Which I do, by the way.

Then we walk through the dining area. I see a girl with a feeding tube, everyone is looking at me. I look forward, down. Smile but try to avoid eyes. I was wearing my husbands sweatshirt, they probably thought I was rude, or maybe the skinny ones wondered why I was there.

I was happy to leave. I immediately called the husband.
Per: perfect timing!
Me: per?
P: what is it sweetheart.
Me: I can't do it
P: can't do what?
Me: I just visited CFC. I can't analyze myself morning to night.
P: well. Let me call you back

Glad he was too busy because I hadn't collected my thoughts.

Later in the evening he listened intently to what happened while I was there. And he understood and agreed that I had good reason to feel mistrust in them.

Per: they probably see you as a patient.
Me: do I look THAT sick? I felt like no one was listening and taking me seriously
Per: next week when we meet with the therapist I'll bring all this up, we'll work it out. Thanks for trying to go with an open mind.

Maybe in patient is too much. Maybe in patient would only make it worse. Or. Maybe it's just that woman. Pam.

When I first went there I met with another lady, she gave me hopeful feelings. I didn't start doubting until this Pam lady started contacting me.

Good day

2010-11-03T22:57:00.001-06:00

P after putting a red streak in his hair

I also put a little purple in the front, but it's hard to see

P under the dryer, he said it smelled like old ladies

I am strong and cam fight things on my own. I haven't been giving myself enough credit. I have come a long way the past two years. From ultra needy, can't finish things, must have someone to cry to, drugs, alcohol, cutting, hiding and lying, to name a few.

To: motivated, cry and move forward, sober, honest, lovable, more happy days than sad, can stand my ground.

I still hide sometimes. I don't quite have everything I used to have. But if I can change some of the most horrible things I was doing, I can continue striving for the positive things I want.

I swam 2 miles today! I had a really good workout. I haven't done a swim workout in....maybe 2 years. Back then I was doing junk and didn't have the stamina

Today I was pleasantly surprised to find I could still kick butt. And my lungs are back :)

Today I made my decision, and I told P exactly this:

1 I will try and go to the treatment center tomorrow, get a tour and get my questions answered. I will also tell them i am disappointed with them but trying to not have a bad attitude

2 I will have the therapy session next week with him, me and the therapist. I will hope it helps or affects my attitude. I also hope it will help you be prepared to know how to start coping or knowing what to do when I have harder days.

3 I will comply to be admitted on Monday, November 15, 10:30 am.

4 if my attitude doesn't change within 5 days I will leave. I do not want to waste peoples time and money

5 I will be done with therapy sessions. I am finished with analyzing and dissecting my life. It helped for the past few months bit is no longer having positive effects

6 I truly believe I can handle this on my own. It won't always be easy but I will get there

No

2010-11-02T08:35:00.001-06:00

I won't purge. I won't purge. I won't purge. I won't purge.

Mocha
Toast
12 m&m

Not worth it. Not worth it

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I don't wanna

2010-11-01T21:30:00.001-06:00

Me: I don't want to do inpatient
P: don't worry. You'll be fine
Me: I don't want it
P: we need this for us

A few hours later
M: I'm not going to do inpatient
P: really. Why not?
M: I don't need it
P: call me
M: not right now
P: the hell not right now
M: exactly
P: you lie to me

I lie. I am a liar? Enjoy some pics

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Tripped

2010-10-29T22:30:00.001-06:00

Just after the honeymoon

So today I walk down the stairs, headed to the salon. Halfway through I lose my footing and feel myself falling head first.

You know when you feel yourself going down, it turns all slow mo, nooooooooooo.

I was in shock and hurting, thought I may have sprained two or three fingers on my left hand. I am a hair dresser, my fingers make my money.

I worked all day, an was proud of the commission an tips! Sometimes I feel like I need to contribute more to the funds, finances. Anyway.

I did fine until I was driving home and noticed my pointer finger hurt. A few episodes of lost and my finger is swelling. Ugh.

I'm supposed to do cornrows for someones Halloween hair. Hopefully I have the dexterity. 3 bloody fingers.

I hope everyone has a good Halloween!! I am not cool enough to be dressing up. It's okay though. I am just looking forward to a break.

temptations

2010-10-28T19:49:00.003-06:00

I am avoiding my apartment right now. P took a later shift and won't be home for another 10 minutes. I could have gone home 3 hours ago. Instead I returned some shirts, put some cash in the bank, went to my salon and played with a mannequin head. Now I sit in the library just 15 steps away from my house(we live right behind it).

What am I avoiding?

Who knows. I just didn't trust myself to be alone that long. Cutting, bingeing, purging, or feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing perhaps.

Thank for your comments. I was really frustrated that night. He does it because he loves me. And then I get upset because I know its just as hard on him as it is on me. I am looking forward to spending time with him tonight.

My feet, will not, get warm. Why???? I have had to soak them in hot water the past few nights because they will not warm up. This sucks. Ha ha.

Stay Happy everyone. Its almost the weekend!

Gahhh

2010-10-28T00:49:00.001-06:00

He has no idea what it's like, what I have to fight within myself.

Please, help me. Anyone. I hate how I feel right now

Down two pounds

2010-10-26T23:37:00.001-06:00

I was scared to step on the scale. But I had to know. I am down 3 pounds since...last week! I am not necessarily trying to lose. Just trying to like my body somewhat again.

I flat-out told my therapist I didn't have confidence in the treatment center. So she is going to call them and go with me before I am being admitted.

I love working out! Stay beautiful :)

Disapearing

2010-10-25T22:22:00.001-06:00

I miss the days of fasting. When I felt high and empty. Is it real happiness though?

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You are hungry

2010-10-23T23:10:00.001-06:00

Telling me when I'm hungry does not encourage me to eat.

I love him, but tonight was shitty

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Thinspo

2010-10-23T00:22:00.001-06:00

Exercise: 25 min stair. 25 min treadmill fast walking

I can't get away from wanting to be this:

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20 chews, swallow

2010-10-21T23:55:00.001-06:00

Intake: 1300 ish. I round way up sometimes(no more sugar you tard)
Out: 450 ish. Ran 45 outside
Weight: still he same as a few days ago

Dinner was funny tonight. I served myself a ton of salad, half a cup of rice, and a small piece of chicken. Our conversation was rather quiet. Then P asked what I was thinking.

Me: you don't want to know(shift my eyes to the side)
P: tell me
Me: I was counting my chews
P: how many?
Me: 20(then I swallowed)
P: 20 chews then swallow? I want to try.

Great I'm teaching my husband how to develop weird eating rituals :)

Below: pumpkin I carved last week.

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Skinny Fat

2010-10-20T21:23:00.001-06:00

- there is a phenomenon which I call 'Skinny Fat'. This is in response to Victoria Crimson. I for some reason could not post on your blog.

If you are restricting and only doing cardio without doing resistant or weight training, you aren't building muscle, just losing fat. So on top of cardio, also do weights :)

Intake: around 1000
Exercise: about to do some calisthenics.

I got home and P had dinner ready. While I was eating my salad he asked:

Did you have breakfast?

Yeah, remember that little muffin?

Did you eat lunch?

I had some dry cereal.

Ok.

Ok.

Are you being honest?

I do not want to play this game every day with him

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breaking

2010-10-19T17:31:00.005-06:00

b: peaches - 175

soy hot cocoa

l: -

snack: cheerios

Workout:

Abs, shoulders, back, triceps

Eliptical 45 minutes, burning 415 cals

This photo illustrates what muscles a hair dresser gains. yummy(not) see it under the collarbone?

I am pretty sure that from cutting hair.

I had a little break down today. I don't like my body. I don't like it at all. Lyndee was so nice to hear me whine, and give me some encouragement.

Here's what was said during therapy session:

"What worries you about inpatient?"

no control, I'll have to communicate with people, will they put me on a pedastool and strip me from who i am? will i even want to recover? or will I just stick through it and then revert back to old ways.

"You are going to a place where you are no longer alone. These people, and other patients, know how you feel, and have possibly shared what you are going through. Instead of being the minority, you are part of a majority"

Its weird to think about. I mean, it would be like all of us bloggers getting together in one room. I won't be alone, and I won't have to whine to people who can't understand what it is to have an eating disorder.

I'm down 1 pound today. I thought I was gaining. Keeping my chin up, and going to try and tone back up so I like my body more

1 month

2010-10-18T22:17:00.001-06:00

I have been a wife for 1 month. Weird to think about.

In 1 month I'll be alone in bed at the treatment center.

In 1 month I could lose around 10 pounds.

Or gain 10

So much can happen in a month.

Ok I am feeling really sick right now. In the stomach. P has continually been paranoid that I could be pregnant. He is just a worrier.

Well with the way I feel right now, a part of me is terrified. I know the chances are very very low, so I'm not trying to think about it too much.

Gotta sleep. Sweet dreams

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5 miles

2010-10-16T19:13:00.001-06:00

I got home from work today and wanted to workout. I asked P if I could workout, he wanted me to wait so we could eat dinner. I asked him if he would go to the gym later with me, he said 'yes' but I didn't trust him enough to really go with me, and I knew it would be harder to get myself to go.

Sooooo I too advantage of the warm weather and started to run. I am still getting used to the new area we live, and I happened to find a track! I don't know what pushed me to do it, but I ran 4 miles on the track!!! Total I probably ran 5 miles, and burned about 500-600 cal.

I am proud of myself. I am getting more in the habit of exercise again, and I feel semi good about intake so far.

I asked P to bring me lunch. Hmph. Two spicy chicken sandwiches was his choice. His band members were dropping it off at the salon, but I told them to forget about it.

Carbs and processed food. I don't need it, I don't want it.

I have been eating too much sugar. Time to get control of that.

I have somewhat calmed down about treatment, for now. I sent an email to some lady asking her about thanksgiving.

One of the reason I am choosing to get help when I am is because i hate the holiday. Two years ago I b/p the whole day.

Last year I just avoided it all together.

So i am thrilled to be in a safe place. But where does P go? He can't go anywhere with extended family. It would be awkward and he would get sad. So I asked this admissions lady if he could eat a meal with me.

I get a voicemail saying 'we don't know if we can grant you a pass to leave for the holiday blah blah bah'.

I was like, did you read my email? I didn't say I wanted to leave. I called her back and wee clarified things.

Good news is, P gets to visit me for a while that day :). Yay.

Thanks for all your support and warm thoughts. I will probably be inpatient for about 3 weeks, and then they'll decide if I need more time or if I can start just day program.

I hope my desire to really recover will come while I am there. As I was running I was thinking, if I gain to much wait I'll just restrict again until I feel better, and then I'll try to be healthy.

Sigh.

Do you think they'll help me have better thinking? We'll see. We'll see.

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Tantrum

2010-10-15T00:39:00.001-06:00

Maybe I am in bed at the moment having a slight tantrum. Maybe. I just left my warm comfortable bed to get away from my husband.

I was crying, scared about in patient. I needed him. He's too tired.

I saw my nemesis, and stepped on up. I flipped off the scale when I discovered my weight. I will reweigh in the morning, I just drank a lot of liquid and ate a small meal.

I heard back from the treatment center. They were ready to admit me as early as next week. I old her I was thinking more along the lines if thanks giving. That repulsive sick holiday. I loathe it. Loathe. It.

So my admittance day is November 15. 10:30 am. I just read the email. And am freaking out, if you can't tell.

Rules. Phone calls. I have to eat 100% of meals?!? I can't even wear my beautiful wedding ring. I have to share a bathroom? Gross. Swim suit is mandatory.

I want to cut right now. I won't, maybe. Ugh. No. Yes. Why not? Who cares.

On the more positive note, I ran 5 miles today!!!!!!!!!! Yahooooo.

I promise I'll be more level headed next post

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Wednesday

2010-10-14T00:00:00.001-06:00

B: half bagel with light cream cheese. A couple small handfuls of cheerios.
L: ---
D: made P a birthday dinner, chicken veggie stirfry with rice. Oh and don't forget salad. I made it through a couple bites of stir fry and half my salad.

I rested my forehead on hands and said to P defeatedly:

It's really hard for me to eat right now.

He sweetly said, maybe finish your salad and have a couple bites if you can.

Minutes after his family showed up o celebrate his birthday. I offered them the uneaten meal.

Desert: small portion of brownie, no bake peanut butter thing, and about 1/3 cup of ice cream.

Dinner, take 2:
1/2 cup of cheerios, 1/2 banana, almond milk

Why does restricting make me feel so good? When I had the choice of grabbing food for lunch, I by passed it. I wanted to skip it. What drives me to want to starve?

Here are a few triggers:

Sense of control: cliche, but so unbelievable true that it's haunting

Stress

Depression(although this can also lead to carless eating)

Self esteem

Punishing myself or others

Coping with stress, anger, fear

Does anyone mind if I ask what weird compulsions or rituals you have? I got asked that while I was being assessed at the treatment center. My answers:

Hot drinks have to be hot, cold drinks have to be iced(and usually I have to be able to drink them with a straw or without getting liquid on my upper lip.

I don't like touching metal on doors. I am a germaphobe. I hate when things aren't organized.

I usually like eating with a fork and knife so I can neatly it my food. I don't like using big spoons.

I don't like eating food with my hands, I hate when food makes them greasy or sticky.

I am sure there are more but can't think of any and may not notice some.

I love being married. Ah. P and I are excellent lovers for each other. I retire to sleep before I say too much.

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Doubles

2010-10-12T21:55:00.001-06:00

I ran this morning, did the elliptical. Maintained a decent intake. And then ran again in the evening with my husband. My question is, can I keep it up? Can I stick to my goals?

I don't like to set a number as my goal. At one point in my disordered life, that's all that drive me. Realistically, I would probably look disgusting at a weight I once desired. If not disgusting, undesirable. And P has told me several times he was glad he never saw me when my boobs shrank. Ha ha. Wait. Is that funny?

Anyway. My goals are rational and realistic. They are to get back into the habit of going to the gym, organize the rest of my house, and be a good wife.

Tomorrow I am meeting with someone at the treatment center. They will asses and determine what I need. I struggle with the decision of treatment, especially if they suggest inpatient.

My therapist still wants me to consider.

Do you know what I hate? This question:

Do you struggle with anorexia or bulimia?

You'd think a treatment center would know it's a little harder to define than A or B.

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In patient

2010-10-05T21:40:00.001-06:00

I talked with my therapist today. First meeting since the wedding. She is still pushing in patient. I am 80% going by my own will. I was scared for P. He gets depressed, and I didn't want him to feel lonely.

So I asked one of his band mates if he would stay over a few nights while I am gone, I explained the situation. Not only was he willing to move in the whole time, but he also offered to pay rent.

What is there to worry about?

Oh yeah. Losing my control. That is a huge thing in my life. And I hat being unorganized, I hate that feeling of messy life. Ugh.

And another thing... I got on birth control today. P is such a worrier, he thinks I can be pregnant everytime we have intercourse. I was very much against it, but at least for a while he can shut up. It was pissing me off so bad.

I got the Depo shot. The lady was hesitant to give it to me when she found out I have dealt with my ED. Why? Weight gain.

I believe it's a crock of shit. I am not saying it will or won't happen. But does she realize she is talking to an anorectic? If I even think I am gaining weight, I moderate or change things. Silly.

I am at the Anberlin concert, bit feeling ultra sick and have a migraine. I love you all

Xoxo

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I feel them, and it's glorious

2010-09-27T20:17:00.001-06:00

My hip bones. I feel them today. My bowels are finally acting normal again. Goodbye bloated fat belly. Isn't it crazy how that happens??

Below: the bloated honeymooned

I feel motivated now to get toned. I know it won't take me that long either. I want to weigh myself, but I won't yet. I don't want to know what wedding stress eating, cruise dining, and bored eating has done between me and the scale.

Good thing is that sugar fat is fast to get rid of if one cuts back on the shit and does some cardio. Which is exactly what I'm doing as I type this.

Goodbye butter and bread with every meal. Sick I know, but it sounded good on the boat.

I must admit, I ate half a whole wheat bagel with a little fat free cream cheese, and then I ate some of my wedding cake. Trust me you would have eaten it for breakfast to if you had a taste.

I had an acai iced tea with blackberry flavoring

Lots of water

Then boiled corn with some salt, veggie and chicken soup, and one mini pillsbury croissant.

Good job Mrs. Burton. That's a start.

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Fat

2010-09-25T21:54:00.001-06:00

I am fat and wondering why I got married, at the moment.

Hope you all are well. I wish I had Internet. I feel alone

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So ready for the gym

2010-09-24T13:14:00.001-06:00

Well my friends. It's been crazy, busy and.... Fun!

I am married!

Mindy Burton is what I will be known as. And I am so excited to start this new journey.

The wedding itself was more than I could have hoped. Our reception was beautiful, we greeted guests for a while as they ate some wonderful catered food(at least that's what I was told, I probably had two bites of our dinner because there was no time for us to eat!)

We cut the cake, I threatened to hold out if he shoved it in my face. I danced with my Father, and then he played us two songs. One being "love me tender" by Elvis Presely, I was a little ready eyed while I danced with my fiancé. If i haven't mentioned it, I kind of have issues with my Dad.

After the slow dancing, we got our part on as the DJ dimmed the lights and the fast beat started. I was afraid people wouldn't dance, and at first people weren't.

P would want to talk to guests, I wanted to keep up the dancing. Michael Jackson songs were played often(as I requested) and the night went by fast. It wasn't until after the dress was off that i finally felt soooo tired. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I was mistaken. I said goodnight one last time to my fiancé, and before I knew it I was back to our apartment trying to pack for our honeymoon.

It's hard for m to pack, I hate packing...I don't know what it is, but I would rather eat a stick of butter than pack for trips. Gross, I know.

Plus!!!! How am I supposed to pack with a Van FULL of presents?? Hello?? A.D.D plus hate packing = trouble. P went to take a shower as I continued looking at the loot, and then Adderall kicked in and I realized how little time I had before we had to leave for the actual ceremony.

For those who know about the Mormon faith, we have temples throughout the world. Many members choose to be married there. The temple is a sacred place for us members who are worthy and wanting to do so. Ha sorry for the minor religious talk. Temple marriages are also not traditional like you may see on movies, or real life. Only those who have been through the temple are allowed to attend. This probably doesn't make sense to you, or seem fair... But please do not comment negatively about this, I love my religion and was thrilled to be able to marry in the Temple. Because I went through a lot of crap last year, and was not the person I am today.

Soooo anyway. After we came out of the temple we had pictures taken( I will put pictures up when I get home) and let me tell you, some Mormons are very rude, and not very Christian. There was another couple waiting to take our spot for pictures. There was a mother of the bride being a fat witch. "how much longer, you aren't suppose to take this much time"

As Cartman from the cartoon South Park might say "I'm going to kick you square in da nuts!". It's out wedding day tubby, why can't we be happy? I am! And you should go eat more foo an shut up.

He he. We had a luncheon with the family and then we were finally free to start our honeymoon as Mr and Mrs Burton.

Sunday we spent the day shopping, and you know doing adult stuff. We took a red eye Monday morning to Miami Florida. Where our cruise ship was waiting.

The cruise was okay. We both agreed it was kind of full of trashy people. Like the people that drool an feed at buffets, or get hammered at 10:00 in the morning. Or the ones that smoke in the most inappropriate places. I was afraid sometime when we would get our food, there would always be the "feeders" behind my shoulder, their eyes wide open in a daze because I wasn't getting my food quick enough.

Gag me. It's just food, fattening food that is causing my bowels issues.

Okay the good part about he cruise: Nassau, an island in the bahamas. We just took off on foot, and I swam in the Ocean for the first time in my life!!!! The first beach was... Painful. Lots of rocks, I obtained several bruises, but it was AWESOME! We continued walking around the island, it was cool to see the "real" island. Not the touristy parts. The second beach we went to was so much fun, a little less rocky, but ultra sandy. Exfoliated my whole body :) P found some guy on the beach that rented Jet Skis, and my baby wanted to do that badly, so off we went. I had my $1500 camera in the front compartment, that terrified me more than the big waves we were jumping. In fact, one of the waves I nearly flew off!!! What went through my head?

Shit my Camera
There could be sharks in this water

We survived, and it was a blast.
Yesterday we went to Coco Cay. The island it's self was dumb. It was just a tourist place, but the highlight from there was snorkeling. It was cloudy and windy, but we bought non refundable tickets from the cruise, so we decided we'd be tough and give it a try. Luckily the Caribbean sea is very warm, and other than an occasional wave dumping water in my breathing tube, it was magical. At one point we were looking at an air plane crash, there were a ton of fish. So many of one kind that it scared P. Ok. It scared me too, they got so close to us!!! We are babies.

Overall the cruise itself, silly. But we made it fun. I am so excited to eat healthy food. Give me an apple and a cucumber. Sigh.

We are on the air plane now, our journey home to real life. To our messy apartment, and wedding gifts. I am happy.

And we are going to the gym tomorrow

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Formals and bridals

2010-09-12T23:49:00.001-06:00

It was hard for me to like the way I looked. With my hair done up, pearl earrings from the mother in law, and wedding dress. I didn't feel pretty.

Some turned out though. 5 more nights until the big day!

I am exhausted.

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Get me out of here

2010-09-09T23:28:00.001-06:00

Underneath the depressed feelings is a girl excited for her big day. Her eyes light up when she sees the dress fit her perfectly, and imagines how much she'll stand out that day.

Underneath the introverted actions is a girl who wants to be surrounded by loved ones.

Underneath the girl who love to feel her rib cage, counting them, obsessively, wishes he could be free from the demon.

Yea it's a demon. My Ed has been my best friend and worst enemy. It required me to only think about myself.

Now there will be husband. How do I balance? Ugh.

I love him.

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iPhone. What have I been missing?

2010-09-09T00:50:00.001-06:00

I feel like I have been so detached! I miss everyone in blogtopia. Since moving out of the apartment complex I don't get regular Internet. Well.....until I inherited my dad's old iPhone.

How is everyone? I wish you could be at my wedding.

It's been stressful. Last weekend the dress fitting was a fiasco. I was holding back tears, I looked fat because of the way she had sewn it

Observe....

My mom went with me to a tailor on Tuesday. We got me a body suit, he is fixing areas, and I feel much better.

Except one thing

Depression. It's hitting me.full force. I hope it passes before next weekend. How lame would it be to cry the day of? Ugh. I am tired of crying, too many days in a row.

I don't know how to release my emotions in a healthy way, I want to cut, smoke, starve, throw up, over exercise, etc. But won't. I haven't.

The gym helps. God helps. Love from my fiancé helps.

Restricting does too. 118.8. Good weight I guess.

Loves

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Main St,Pleasant Grove,United States

11 days and I can't write in the lower box!

2010-09-07T02:12:00.001-06:00

the dress is on its way

2010-08-30T08:26:00.003-06:00

2 and a half weeks! Believe it or not. Eish

Eish

The announcement:

The dress: It still needs a few thinks tweeked. Like..i dunno..the love handles!! Created by the hips sewn in too tight so all the fabric bunches around my hips. Ugh. I'm a little nervous. Other than that my sister has done a fantastic job. Its very beautiful with the lace on top! I will get some good photos of it up once its finished.

I've been working hard. 6 days in the salon last week, just trying to get money! I am so ready for the wedding to be done. Even though I'm not really ready as far as planning goes. Sigh.

soon. very soon.

Loves!!!!!

fail

2010-08-28T08:20:00.002-06:00

yes I am a failure at updating my blog. Its been busy with the wedding plans.

3 weeks left!

I feel stressed. I can't wait for it to be all over

last time I weighed I was 117. i'm hoping to maintain around there. I hope everyone is doing well and not sucking at life/blogging like me.

xxoxoooxo

another one bites the dust

2010-08-12T06:49:00.003-06:00

I'm down 3 more pounds since my last post. 7.2 pounds total(ish)

Here is what is confusing me. I went to the doctor and the electronic scale weighed me in at a horrendous weight. I was horrified. I weighed myself earlier that day and I was 4 lbs lighter. Water retention? I can't remember if I ate right before I had the visit. Either way it freaked me out.

So I've been restricting the past week in result. Working out? A little. Working hard? EVERYDAY! I can't believe its Thursday!! Here is my week:

Mon: Went back and forth between the office and the salon.

Lots of driving on my scooter

(I know this sounds pigheaded of myself,

but anyone in the tipping industry might understand.

I HATE when people don't tip. especially since this salon is so low priced

AND we know what we're doing!!)

Although, in this case, I can't complain because my friend earlier that day,

and P's band member gave me really good tips,

I almost made 100% on the hair cuts

(minus one jerk who didn't tip, glad i took you on my day off)

Dropped of my prescription order

Got my nails done. I filed them down quite a bit more though

Picked up my prescription (Hallelujah!!! I'm not dependent on the Adderall, but it was getting harder and harder each day to deal with stuff)

Ran to the gym, worked out 30 minutes, ran home

1 hour total, at least 400 cals burned

P picked me up on his way home to try and sell some of his old recording equipment.

We picked up Pizza on our way to meet with his band.

We ate pizza(yes I am admitting i ate it, shame on me)

We went to the recording studio to pick up the rough mix of their EP album

I was totally tired and depressed feeling.

I was in the room with one of his guitarist's girlfriend.

she never smiles and is very bad at socializing

oh and she is super skinny and pretty

and i'm thinking

why the hell did i eat the pizza

total intake for the day: I guessed 1500

Tues: woke up depressed. took a bubble bath with incense and music

considered cutting but knew i didn't want that

i took my adderall and debated going to the office

decided to go out with my roommate to get color for her hair

i wanted to do a photoshoot of her

we went to an antique shop, i found a really pretty yellow slip

i sent P a text "can i get this vintage lingerie for $13?"

he called me instantly

"hell yeah you can get it"

ha ha

Whilst coloring her hair in the salon..i ended up staining the new nails

oops. i'm a failure at being girly :)

That night P said to me

"Mindy I want you do be done with that job by the end of the month"

!!!

Intake: 1,130 ish

Wed: Gave in my two weeks notice at the office

went to P's work to train to be a temporary secretary for a week

it will be fun, i can write addresses

went to the salon and gave two hair cuts

grown men do NOT know how to sit up straight

had fun with my boss

signed the contract for our new apartment

Intake: 600

Current mood: Tired :) I love you all.

Weight a minute

2010-08-08T22:40:00.002-06:00

Down 2lbs with this mornings weigh in!! Yahoooooooooo

We went to our soon to be first apartment. I am moving in this weekend, and I hope to do a ton of painting before we move furniture in. It will be hard living there by myself, but it won't be too much longer before he joins me.

Thanks for your support btw. I'm considering going into treatment in November, that way I can maybe bypass thanksgiving. I dunno. I feel bad missing our first thanksgiving. but i told him how much I hate being around so much food, he understood.

well. not much to say. I need to sleep, going to busy with both job tomorrow and I want to run 4-5 miles.

xoxo

I feel loved

2010-08-08T00:49:00.002-06:00

I'm obsessing. I'm writing everything down. I'm checking out my body every morning and night. I poke my bones to see if they are there. I anticipate to step on the scale in the morning. My arms are flabby, they could use some work. I have to get rid of this sugar fat.

I went to the treatment center to pick up the pricing information. It went like so:

i walked into the building and was warmly greeted by the receptionist. i stumbled over the words "inpatient...treatment...pricing". admissions lady is busy, but receptionist can answer some questions.

"we usually recommend 3 months for bulimia, 4 months for anorexia, keep in mind everyone is different" she was interrupted by the admissions lady on the phone.. i stepped away and got a drink. I nearly cried right in front of her.

she asks me to wait, i take a seat, trying to hide behind a floral arrangement. i'm freaking out inside, 4 months? no. 3 weeks is what my therapist talked about. would they want me to do more? this sucks. RUN AWAY MINDY!

i stayed seated, a girl walks in with her mother. she is being dropped off. she looks healthy, i try not to make eye contact but it happens. she is wondering why this fat girl is sitting at the front of the building crying.

admissions lady takes me into her office. we talk, i tell her i'm overwhelmed. she is so nice. "i know its hard, but you're doing the right thing"

I don't deserve so much love and support. from you guys, from my fiance', Perry. There you go, that is his name. I adore him. I love him. He was so sweet with me last night when I was talking to my mom about treatment. I'm still scared.

I'm a little less fat today. I know I went over my calorie goals for today, but I worked hard at the salon and I've been doing really well so I don't feel too guilty. I am hoping to get rid of some stomach flab. its gross.

don't read if you're anti recovery

2010-08-05T23:55:00.003-06:00

I'm looking at this ring on my finger. Its beautiful. We got a better diamond and we rotated it so that it is now parallel with the band. I'm thinking about what it means, because its a lot of money to put into a piece of jewelry!! Its commitment, its trust, its love, its my best friend asking me to be his forever. Yes, eternity. We are about to start a journey. Mrs. Mindy Burton? It still sounds foreign...but I'll get used to it.

Right now I'm stable, I'm happy, I'm managing my obsession, my compulsion.

"Hi my name is Mindy and I'm an anorectic. It's been over two weeks since I've purged, many months since I've had a real binge, and a few weeks since I've had a full fast." It looks good on the outside right?

As I'm fighting it though, its starting to wear me down on the inside. I'm looking at my body and hating it. I'm ashamed of the scale. Ashamed of the gross fat I feel as I walk, move, breathe. I am repulsive and worthless.

Its serious. This is serious.

Today I met with my therapist and P. I went in being pissed at him, but came out timid and needing him more than ever. Before I went to Congo I was restricting, I even cut one night. I dropped down to 115 for a few days. I started looking into more serious treatment, and I mentioned to my therapist I was afraid it might come to that.

Well the weeks went by and I stabilized. The first therapy session was good we talked about what I discovered about my relationship with my parents. The next therapy session we talked about perhaps reconsidering more serious treatment. Now I'm thinking..sure, group therapy? 12 step program. She also wanted me to bring P in. She wants us to have a good marriage.

Today as we slowly started talking about my situation and she finally asked "So have you talked to Perry about the other thing we discussed"

I looked at my hands in lap as I said, "P, I think I might need to get more serious help."

She started talking about me getting in-patient treatment. Defenses flared up, how could she say that! How dare she say that. Me? Give up MY control? I know what inpatient means, I know what it entails, I know how much it would suck and how much I would hate it.

But at the same time, a subconscious part of me felt a small piece of relief, calm and sanctuary. Yes it would surely suck ass. But I'm weary, I'm broken.

She said "Mindy is very strong willed. This is serious P. It will be a strain on your marriage. She has the power to starver herself to death, and I'd rather have you take care of it now rather than wait 10 years of built up anger and a couple kids crying in the background"

God, please help me be strong. Please send me some Angels. I can't do this by myself, I can't give it up by myself.

So what is the conclusion? I am most likely going to become an inpatient come November. I talked to P about doing it during thanksgiving. Would anyone agree that thanksgiving is the hell of any person suffering a disorder? Its too much food, too much anxiety, too much stress. So yeah. Until then, I think about the wedding, I think about looking beautiful in my dress.

Intake: 1,060

Output: ? I worked in the salon for 3 hours.

something to be happy about

2010-08-04T22:35:00.002-06:00

And its more than just the shoes :) These are what I'll wear on my wedding day.

Thanks to Spacecadet's Space post i read yesterday about making herself run for 2 hours.. I ran for about 50 minutes! Okay. I ran for about 40 until the muscles in my left leg were hurting beyond simply ignoring them or fighting through the pain. I thought about fighting it for 3 more laps to complete 4 miles, but then I also thought how much it would suck to be injured and not be able to run for a while. I walked another lap, tried to run the last 2, and then I had to go pick up P.

I'm pissed at him right now. I have nothing sweet to say about him. And this isn't just petty girl stuff..ugh I'm not going to bore you with it. We'll get over it in a few days.

My intake is getting in better control. It feels like I'm overcoming some huge addiction, but is been getting easier each day. What kind of addiction...close your eyes..you may not want to read my shame: Sugar, Ice Cream, cookies...pretty much a lot of things that make me look gross.

Monday was hard, I had to buy myself a dark chocolate Godiva bar. Tuesday was okay, I had a hawaiian shaved ice(it was really hot okay), today.....brace yourselves....NADDA!!!!! I thought about it, but it was easy to fight of the temptation. I love fresh food :)

Okay so I go to bed tonight feeling a little less fat, but I have a lot of work ahead of me.

xoxoo

Beautiful Skin?

2010-08-02T23:29:00.002-06:00

Today was eventful. We met with a caterer, not a fan of the style she wanted to use for decorating. This means I'll just do it myself! Ha. But at least we got the food picked. I got my new diamond(its so sparkly. the one he got me wasn't as good as the first one we saw. last week i went to get my ring rotated and asked them if they could find a better diamond. i'm spoiled)

I look forward to the ring though! I told them to do the most petite prongs as possible so my diamond looks like its floating even more.

Confession: I wish I was rich. I went shopping with my Mom today. We got estee lauder facial cleaners and what nots, I want my skin to be lovely as can be for the wedding. I could never have afforded the entire system, its expensive stuff. But my Mom was nice enough to buy it for me.

She also bought me my wedding shoes :) They are really pretty. I'll have to post a picture. I wish I had money. I want to be one of those beautiful nice girls and have nice things. i'm sick of looking like a punk, I want to look like a woman. But I stare at my wardrobe, full of t-shirts, lots of t-shirts. I'm not going to be single anymore and be able to binge shop whenever i want. I'm doomed. I want to look sexy and I want my husband to be checking me out everyday.

I went tanning tonight. I failed to get to the gym, and my excuse is the damn Migrain I've been experiencing all daaayyyy. ARGGGHH. I'm going to sleep. Fat and worthless until the morning! YAY

p.s. has anyone tried the cabbage soup diet? I'm considering doing a cleanse in a few weeks.

The period, boys are so lucky

2010-08-01T23:50:00.003-06:00

It started today. i hate it. oh how i hate periods. Its gross, it makes me feel gross. And don't forget: FAT. Bloaty sick nasty bitchy moody defensive cranky chubby ugly.

I found an interesting addicting sight: http://www.pro-thinspo.com/EATINGATNIGHT.html

I love those type of finds. Aside from my bitching about my period...we found an apartment! I will be moving in a couple weeks, hopefully repainting a lot of it before i actually move in. Its a pretty cool place, and after a little touching up we can make it a nice first apartment. Eek. I'm going to be a wife.

Today we bought our cruise tickets, and my parents let us use their "sky miles" to pay for the airfare. I am so glad for that! We are going to go on a 4 night cruise to the bahamas. I wanted to go to Oregon sooooo badly. But when I think about it...two virgins(i regret anything i ever did with my ex) what do you think we are going to be doing for most of our honeymoon? We have known each other for 4 years. I'm surprised we never had sex, but it will be an adventure. Marriage in general I mean.

I leave you with these tips from the site(link above, but edited slightly)

10 fasting tips

1. Tell the least number of people that you are fasting

2. Turn off the TV

3. Get alone and discover Yourself and Who You ARE

4. Feast on YOU

5. Meditate

6. Go for walks

7. Take a phone break(turn it off or leave it behind)

8. Be quiet and peaceful

9. Do not enter into needless temptation

10. Sleep

dress in the making

2010-07-30T21:15:00.002-06:00

It has been a crazy few weeks for me. Its not an excuse, I owe you all so much more. I've been doing a lot of things wedding related; finding a reception venue, lunch with the inlaws/parents, bridal showers, apartment hunting. On top of it all I've started at the salon and working at my other job. I spend most of my free time with P so I can't really blog on here with him watching. I'm boring you, i know.

So now that the dress is on its way I've grown a little scared. As P lovely put it:

"Hopefully you don't gain 50 pounds before the wedding because that dress is fit for you"

He was just playing, but you know, he he. I'm an anoretic and we take those words a little more seriously than others.

Truthfully, I've put on two pounds. Two pounds too many for me. I went for a hard run today and did some pilates. Starting sunday P and I are going to be eating Extra healthy food before the wedding. I want to have pretty skin, i hate my skin all the time. If I had better control I would have better skin.

I've started to become a little obsessive with my skin care regime. Wash the face with the neutrogena wave sonic, roller stick to try and smooth and lift some rinkles, night cream. Brush teeth, lotion all my skin, scar cream on my ugly scars. Then in the morning I wash my face with cold water and cleanser, and then lotion on my face and all over my skin again. Ha ha. Okay talk about obsession.

So. I am sorry i'm such a lazy person.

Gone into shock

2010-07-16T02:08:00.003-06:00

The past week P has been acting like a Butt. Big time.

Here is todays story:

I was on the phone with my sister and she said "I know why P has been giddy."
Me: "Don't tell me anything! I don't want to know!" pause "Did he say something to you?"
Her: "Mom did"
Me: "I don't want to know!"

I came to the conclusion that he asked my Dad to marry me. Then the idea of when he might propose started playing in my head. I debated with myself. It couldn't be soon. He said he was broke. Or was he just saying that to get me off track?

He picked me up from work and we drove to my place to get ready for a hike. We were trying to race the sunset. We drove my awesome scooter to the hiking place and had a grueling hike. Lets just say that I'm getting him a gym pass tomorrow. I nearly dry heaved because I was hiking on an empty stomach, but he needs to get his heart healthy. He was frustrated, I wanted to eat before we got to the top. He wouldn't have it!

So after we ate our food(i had a few chips with salsa, grapes, blueberries and carrots) I asked him to play the song we are going to dance to at the wedding. Then I thought how perfect of a night this would be for him to ask me. But really, that wouldn't happen. He started grabbing my left hand, and then he made a ring out of some grass.

I half expected him to just slip a ring on as he was searching for better grass. But i knew it was just me thinking he could.

He asked me "Mindy, what do you think about us since I've been home?" I evaded the question and mumbled something about a UFO. Then I asked him the same question.

I am so glad he is a forgiving person. Sigh.

So I'm sitting on this mountain trying to tie some silly grass ring on my finger so it won't fall off. He takes it from me and says he'll do it. Then he shifted on his knee and said "its like all old school, brave heart"

I was just letting him do whatever he was doing. Then, he said something and I was like..wait a second...then he said the real thing:

"Mindy will you marry me?"

I said.."Don't tease me". I had a piece of grass on my finger. Then he said.

"I'm not." He pulled out the ring and I tried to hug him and give him a kiss. But he wouldn't let me until I gave him an answer.

oh. I said Yes.

The Scale

2010-07-14T14:11:00.002-06:00

119.2. I was very relieved by this number. Remember a few weeks ago when I asked if I should weigh myself? Yes. I still hadn't done so

But now what? What are my goals? Someone asked my advice on losing some weight with losing 15-20 pounds within 5 weeks. I figured 3 pounds a week would be very possible. If she ate no more than 500 cals a day, alone, she could reach that. But then I told her working out gives her a little more wiggle room. In fact I think its better to switch your intake and avoid too much fasting.

So maybe something like this:
Week1
0 - light work out or stretching
400 - 30 min resistance, 30 min cardio
500 - 1 hr cardio, stretching
700 - 45 min resistance, 15 cardio
900 - 1.5 hr cardio
600 - 30 min cardio, 30 min easy resitance/stretching
400 -no work out, or light

Week2
300 - 30 min cardio, 30 min easy resitance/stretching
900 - 45 min resistance, 30 min cardio
100 - no workout/or light, or stretching
400 - 1 hr cardio
600 - 30 min resistance, 30 min cardio
900 -1 hr cardio
300 - light resistance, easy cardio

Week3
0 - easy day
300 - 30 min easy cardio, 30 min hard cardio
500 - 3o min resistance, 30 min easy cardio
700 - 1 hr cardio
1000 - 45 min hard resistance, 45 cardio
500 - no workout/stretching
500 - 45 min cardio

I'll finish the rest later. I've got to go to the salon

Leggy Blonde

2010-07-14T00:31:00.008-06:00

Presenting::::::Camping Fun:::::::::

P's impression of Megan Fox

My impression of Megan Fox

Building a Sand Castle!!

I was very picky with my choice of sand

Ha ha my niece and her butt

two little peas by the lake

getting artistic with my new Camera

I love playing photography

My new niece and I

Sometimes I see myself and feel extremely Fat.

Like today

Gross

But then i see a pictures of myself

And wonder who is telling me I don't look okay

Fasting tomorrow with Lyndee. I need to feel control again!

Thanks for making my Day

2010-07-13T18:09:00.002-06:00

For all of you who commented on my last post(and to those who didn't, I know there are many who read) THANKS! I really had a boost in spirits when I got on blogger today.

Plan: Fast tomorrow.

Camping went..shitty. Ha ha. My period started the night we got there(which took longer than it should have because P and I got lost. He he.) It was horrible! I swear. The One period out of the whole year that I actually get physical symptoms(cramps) had to happen on this trip!!

and I ate a ton of crap because I felt like crap. I'm such a lame-o

Not to fret!! The day we returned(last thursday) I got a little more on track. In fact I didn't really have anything to eat at my house, so I ate when P offered me food. My weekend was....

frustrating.

I had to scold P a few times because he was being..spacey. Yes. Spacey. I was getting upset about things and he actually understood and felt bad. I'm not the type of person who tries and create drama, or over reacts. I can admit when I'm wrong, but in this case, I needed him to see that it wasn't my fault. I love him.

I saw my Ex last week. It caused a major mood swing. He was so depressing. I sat there talking to him and just thought "why am I here? he has nothing positive to say". And then a few hours after I felt vunerable, attacked.

Long story short. He wanted me to meet with him face to face and tell me why exactly we couldn't talk to each other anymore. I refused to even talk to him on the phone. I sent him an email. He pissed me off. I hate myself. He makes me think about the person I hated to be.

i'm doing better now. I think.

I went to the Gym yesterday!! Felt so good. Actually i feel really sore now, but if I wasn't such a lazy butt(fat butt) then I wouldn't be!

Other good news: I started a new job today(well its a second job) at a Salon!! I went in for an hour and worked on a manequin head. I have my own designated station already. I didn't even know if I wanted to work here, but I thought, might as well give it a shot. Its so messy in the back. Once I start working as a real stylist I'm going to clean it up for my new boss. She is so gorgeous, and she is a nutritional science major! I love healthy people!!!!!

I don't have much else to say, but I'm going to make a second post later tonight. It will be an excerpt from the journal my therapist suggested I start writing. I have been transfering the entries I made while I was on my trip into the journal. some of the words were very...interesting. Is that weird? A few weeks ago I was very consumed by Ana, and trying to figure out my anoretic self.

The past few days I feel very care free and happy. P told me it was contageous. I want to keep it up!

Jet Lag, Why aren't there any black people in Utah?

2010-07-05T09:54:00.003-06:00

I miss Africa. Ugh. I want to be there, not here. And I feel weird that there aren't any black people, call me crazy, but I was very comfortable around them. he he, yesterday I saw this black guy at my church..i just stared at him until he passed by.

I feel fat today. Probably that time of the month soon to hit. Just in time for my camping trip! So convenient.

I went shopping at Costco(huge store where everything is bulk) and got food for the two meals P and I have to serve during our family camping trip. I also bought some razors. OMG. I haven't shaved with a new razor..in who knows how long. I can't stop touching myself. he he dirty

I also bought some Acai cleansing pills, I want to see if they make a difference. They say "Cleanse, purify and flush away excess weight". 15 bucks, for two 10 day cleanses. Might as well give it a try.

I want P to talk to my Dad(ask for my hand) while on this camping trip. I doubt it. I thought he was saving money for the ring, but from the information I've gathered, he isn't saving.

I'm trying to be positive. but come on! i thought we could at least have a date set. in my dreams. I'm going to have to find a new apartment to live in if we don't get married soon as I thought. and I thought it because he led me to think it.

Okay we were supposed to leave almost two hours ago, but my ADHD kicked in. I put a lighter patch of brown in my hair, and then I started organizing some stuff. P is asleep on my couch. Neither of us got very good sleep last night. he he. oops.

So I'm afraid to weigh myself... what do you think? Give it a week? I don't think I've gained anything. Before and during my finals I was really stressed and not eating. I got down to 118 or something. Oh! speaking of finals(i don't remember if I mentioned)

Media Writing : A.

Public Relations: B+(i'm really happy about this. I got 100% on the essays on my final exam)

So with those grades, and a 30/30 on this other required thing... I can apply for my major!!! WOOOP

I really need to go. P is going to kill me when he finds out what times it is.

Oh and my plans for this three day camp out: Water water water water water. Water. Food if I have to hike. And I plan to go running every morning.

ook. Love you.

P.S. Ana's Girl: I printed off a few skeleton pictures for reference, I'm going to work on something while I'm away.

bwe

2010-06-30T08:26:00.010-06:00

Gidgin, Nida

Laughing cuties

Michac and Me

Children of the Village Bwe

Michac

Feet :)

First things first, a hola back to those who commented on my last post(and a big thank you for those who have commented in the past)
Peridot (G+P) - Thank you for the comment :) I had a native dress made out of a neutral pattern, I'll show you when I can style my hair and make myself look pretty.

Lyndee - you are so wonderful! Thanks for being someone I can talk to :) You are beautiful too!(if not more)

Emry - Thank you for commenting. I've enjoyed this trip, but ready to return to my home

Twigs Can Fly - thank you for the lovely compliment. This is my second time visiting Congo. I hope to come back in August.

princess.smile - Thank you! I hope you are well :)

Yesterday we stopped by the nearby village, Bwe. My father is working with alternative energy as part of his humanitarian efforts. He was doing a Demo with the Chief, Michael. I had waited all week to see my little friend, Michac.

Last year when I visited he stole my heart. I was taking photos and he was the one closets to me, I tried to get him to sit on my lap and he shied away. The other kids got mad at him and tried to get him to do it, but he would just shake his head and laugh. I still have the pictures of him, and honestly I couldn't forget his face. So when we visited the village the first time(last week) and he wasn't there, I was a sad.

Well the next morning, while I slept in, my mom took my camera. She shot some pictures of the village, and when I was going through them I saw him! Later that day the Chief was traveling around with us, I asked him what the little boys name was. I even saw Michac run out as our car drove back to Kinshasa for the weekend.

Yesterday was my last chance to get a photo with him.. and when I asked where he was, as we were leaving, they said he was going to get water! I didn't want to go back to our camp(they were going to have a meeting = nothing for me to do) so I asked if I could stay in the village and just play with the kids.

Michac finally showed up, everyone yelled to him that I wanted to see him. And...he wouldn't smile for me! Ha ha. I got a few of his cute smile. But that is why I have so many pictures of him. I don't know why, but this little boy makes me feel so happy inside! If he didn't have parents, I'd consider finding a way to adopt him. I know that sounds like a very extreme thing, and no way would I be able to adopt him(its so hard to do it. there are two kids being adopted from here, they've been working on it for two years. They are bro/sis 14/16).

Why does my heart feel that way? I don't know. And there are so many cute kids out here. But for some reason, from the first time I met him, I just adore him.

Today I played soccer(football) with some of the boys that live a the Villa in the City. It was very tiring! But it felt so good to workout. I also went running yesterday morning while my Mom and another American visiting walked. It just feels good to get my heart going. When you drive in cars all day(traffic has been so bad because of the holiday), it feels good to get the legs moving. I'm even sore.

Today is a holiday out her, celebrating 50 years of freedom from Belgium.

Some african man, Antione, just told me he loves me. That is a negative thing about being here. I'm some little white girl, and the men/boys like to tell me I'm beautiful. But its creepy. I can't explain. That boy, antione, was also just sitting next to me watching me type...i'm like...space please??

Ha ha. Whatev. P misses me, I've been able to talk to him through facebook or on the phone. I asked him if he missed hanging out with me "Yes! I sit home bored." :)

Loves!!!

Como cava

2010-06-27T13:55:00.002-06:00

Below: At a Jesuit place. This is a Banana tree. Africa is dirty, don't judge!

I've been having a pretty good time. The anti-malaria pills have made me throw up twice now. I switched to one I used last year that should make me feel less yucky.

I love being away from everyone. My bf is making me so mad. He is drama right now. I'm trying to figure out this stupid ED, and why I feel the urge to restrict or fast. Two days ago he made me a little upset when I called him, I miss him! I got off the phone and knew I would fast the next day. I did fast most the day, but was feeling happier, and decided I was now punishing myself for acting in a selfish way. Then I ate a little.

Then felt guilty for eating, and was afraid of gaining wait. I purged for the first time in a while. It wasn't a b/p. I cried, wrote in my journal, discovered somethings. Ate dinner(asked both of my parents if this food would make me fat). Then went to bed

This trip has been really good though. I have noticed a lot of changed in just a little over a year. The streets are being cleaned up, I don't feel as threatened. Except, ha ha, some little boy did try and still a plastic bag I was carrying with some extra fabric in it. I'm having a congolese dressed made for me. I've been taking loads of pictures with my new camera! I'll post more when I have better internet. I want to steal this one boy, Mishaek! He is so adorable and I hope I get to see him tomorrow :). I remember him from last year, but he wasn't around when I visited the village he lives in.

I want to go running, and I think I'll be able to do that once we return to "the bush" and get out of the city. Stay lovely everyone!

Awe. You Guys. I'm a little loopy

2010-06-22T00:06:00.003-06:00

Reporting in from Paris, DeGaulle France. Airport. Gotcha!!! He he and you thought I was just chillin in the city of love.

First off. You are all so wonderful. After 15 hours of traveling, and 8 more to go, I definitely needed a pick me up. Thank you for the compliments about my body. I don't believe you(but I'll try of course. and sometimes I even like my body). I'm hoping that stupid boy will grow some balls and propose when I get back from Congo. I called him during a layover and he said "you are going to miss our 4 year anniversary". On June 28(ish, we always fight about the exact date) we kissed for the very first time(2006). Scheisse!!! That is an effing long time.

I feel so ugh. Not human. I'm sitting here around beautiful people who have had some good sleep, and I'm wanting to hide. Do you want to know something sad? Americans are so unhealthy and overweight. When I travel outside of the U.S. everyone looks much healthier. Way to go America! Eat processed food all day long, forget about fresh fruits and veggies when offered. Only eat saturated fats, soda and sugar. We are winners.

And guess what else is screwed up. I'm about to go to a country where people are starving everyday. They make 30-40 dollars a Month, and work 12+ hours a day. Then there is me, who is picky or starves herself on occasion. Come on now Mindy, what is wrong with you???

Airplane food = unreal? Its weird. Last year when I went to Congo I was on the beginning stage of a horrible b/p world of hell. Glad I'm over that. Anyway. I can't believe I ate that stuff. Today I mostly drank ginger ale and water. I received a vegetarian pasta and sad excuse for a salad. I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm taking Malaria pills. Needless to say I didn't consume much. I was scared to go on this trip with my parents, especially my Mom.

I texted my psych saturday morning with these concerns and she told me I had to make the decision blah blah. Damn. I was hoping someone could just tell me what was best. My Mom called while I was engaged in the pros/cons and I told her I did want to go, but I didn't want her to pressure me.

"Have you been feeling that way?" she asked

Subliminally, because you're my Mom, Yes. "Not really. By that I mean if I don't want to eat then don't bug me about it. I have to choose to eat guilt free"

P expects me to come home thinner, and I don't blame him. There isn't a ton of selection, but honestly I love what there is to eat. Rice. Kasava(the leaves are soooo good. Its like spinach. Kasava, however, is the main staple food and is more like a starchy potato. I don't think I've really had the pleasure to eat the actually thing, but I'm sure I will this time because we are going to be camping out in 'the bush'). They also make this sweet waffle bread thing, honestly I'm not the biggest fan. I like simple foods, and not too sweet. Ugh. I took another Malaria pill and its starting to upset my stomach.

Okay my skinnies. Or lovlies. I'll post when I can. Have a lovely day!

Exams are done

2010-06-18T20:47:00.003-06:00

The beginnings of my (very hopeful) wedding dress

So I'm done with school until fall. I think I'll get an A in one class, and then a B/B+ in the other. I guess its not bad for not being in school for...3 years? I don't know how I survived either. I was restricting a lot during the week.

But not so much today. And I feel like a whale. I'm not going to complain.

Yesterday something fun happened :) I got an new digital SLR! I can't wait to start playing photographer again, and with my own camera!!!!! I'm tickled pink. I'm giddy like a little kid on halloween.

And I am getting my Visa tomorrow..permission granted to go to Congo monday. I didn't post about this yet because it was a sudden decision. I didn't think I could get a visa approved in time to go with my parents, but looks like I'll be going.

I didn't tell P about it until yesterday, because I didn't know if it was official or not. He hugged me close and I thought he was a little teary eyed "be careful". He recently got back from religious service for two years in Kenya(for those who don't know the background. He's been home since december)

I love him. In fact I need to go pick him up from work. Try to love yourself. Try. It breaks my heart to see everyone sad, I wish we could all be worry free

Always cccold

2010-06-15T08:25:00.003-06:00

Date Taken: 6/15
Weighed in this morning: 118.6
I ate a solid food breakfast this morning, first time in a few days.
I'm doing much better than my last post. I cried to my Mom sunday night. She wants me to move home, and I'm considering it. There are pro/con to so many things in my life right now. I don't like making decisions where the outcome is unclear.
But with restricting its easy. I know the outcome.

My Dad picked me up to talk last night, surprised me by taking me to get some food. We went to a health food store/cafe. So it wasn't too bad. But he watched me as I struggled to eat my food. I couldn't finish half. Now that the cats out of the bag with my ED, its made me relapse quickly. I can tell my Dad has no idea what to do. My Mom wants to help me as well, but I'm afraid she will do the negative affect. When we got off the phone the other night she said,
"Promise me you'll try to eat"

I can't promise that, because I don't like letting people down. I have to do it for myself, right? So I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just focusing on studying for my finals. Then I can make a decision as to where to go next.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my sister's bridal gown making class. She is making my wedding dress and also using it as her class assignment. We are doing another fitting tomorrow. I'll take some pics if I can.

I'm going to the gym tonight, I have to. I went on a long walk with P last night. It was fun :) But walking isn't good enough for me!

hang in there everyone!

Scaled down

2010-06-12T23:25:00.003-06:00

Weight: 119.4
B - breakfast drink -
L - none
D - salad with lots of healthy stuff, Pasta, fattening sugary dessert
and I just had a pudding cup with raisins.

I don't feel guilty about the intake. It had been 2 days since I had a real meal, rather than just liquids and little things.

I just got done bawling my eyes out. I don't know what is up, but I have a few theories:
1) My roomates don't clean their damn dishes. I am too nice to say anything, and double nice because I clean them. I haven't used a dish in days, but I still clean them. AAAAAHHH!!! I can't stand the smelly unclean kitchen. And no one, but myself, takes out the trash. It doesn't matter if its full!! They just keep piling things on top.
2) I can't sleep
3) I don't know how to handle the fact that I've started moving toward recovery. How have I handled it?? Hardcore relapse. I have no desire to eat. At dinner.. I cut my food into tiny bite size bits. First time in a long time, and I nearly cried while P was away from the booth. I don't plan to eat unless it comes up with P, then yeah I'll eat. He knows I'm struggling again. I feel so bad that he has to deal with me. Will he leave me? Screw this ED. I don't want to lose him.
4) I'm a girl
5) I want to get married but money money money....i hate it.
6) I'm alone

Everyone, stay strong. I can't keep my eyes open right now, splitting migraine.

Sleeeeppy

2010-06-12T02:45:00.003-06:00

I wanted to cut my hair this morning:
Instead.. I got some stuff to make extensions. Don't laugh
June 10 (from my new journal)
I met with the friend P's Dad referred me to. It took me a lot of guts to tell P about my ED. And a few weeks ago we decided to talk to his dad for advice. He knows about my ED, and he said he'd look into finding me a therapist through his connections.
I felt a major relapse about to begin, I was scared. Would I binge/purge again? I didn't want that, I couldn't put myself through that. But I was having a hard time restricting, so I wanted to learn how to cope and control the urge to b/p. I also wanted to move forward. Hopes to get married were being hindered because of my issues. P was so willing and ready to help me, and after I told him I wanted help he said he felt better about continuing with getting engaged.
I started restricting more after I talked to his Dad, although nothing extreme. I started going back to the gym habitually. My body knows its control was about to be interrupted, my ED was about to be questioned.
Despite my positive actions and sincerity to 'get help', I know it is more serious than I am telling everyone. For the past few months I've been eating pretty well, I haven't put on much weight but i constantly felt my body changing. I tried to restrict, but gave in to rationality.
Today it was easy not to eat:
B - Breakfast drink (130 cal)
L - nothing
D - Grapes, lemonade
Later - milk shake, pudding
Meeting with a therapist was hard, and I was skeptical. i felt out of body as I sat in her office and told her everything about my ED. All he words coming out of my mouth were ironically familiar. I was just like the girls in books, movies, or blogs who suffered annorexia/bulimia.
I don't want to constantly worry about what is being put inside my body. I try to enjoy food like i used to, but I fear it.
How can I recover? It seems impossible for me, but I guess most of us ED sufferers have thought or think it. Can I rediscover the love for my own self?
Today I took one step toward recovery, but I know it will not be easy. Its as though my disorder knows its about to be exposed, and its controlling me again.
I don't want to eat, I am scared. I am going to lose the control I've had hidden to myself.
M (therapist) said these words "sneaky, lies, manipulative" I do not want to be that, but I AM! I'm horrified to admit that I do that to others, and myself.

perfect little blondes

2010-06-10T01:19:00.003-06:00

You try to look away, but its as if she is Medusa, and your gaze is locked. Her stick thin legs are elegant as she walks with model-like strides. You compare yourself, you are worthless. You wonder if she has caught you gaping at her perfect legs. Your thighs are thicker, your calves aren't skinny, and don't you dare blame it on the high top converse for making them look "chunky"

You envy her. You hate her. You wish you knew why she was so perfect, and secretly hope she falls in the heels she can barely walk in.

I weighed in this morning: 120.2. I feel a little put out with my intake. I could have done better, I didn't stick to liquids like I planned. And as far as working out: 35 minutes of eliptical. Shame on me. I am sore from yesterdays work out though. it feels good

Good news: I bought three new books, "Slim to None" "The best little girl in the world" and "Biting anorexia".

Now i must sleep. I have to do a mock trial of writing a "breaking news story". I have to listen to some tape and then write up a story within an hour and a half or something. Its something I have to do to apply for the Communications program, but if I don't do well...I can just take it again.

Programmed to Self Destruct

2010-06-08T23:44:00.002-06:00

You are almost shaking as you set the scale on the flat bathroom tile. Its been used more often lately. The weigh in doesn't surprise you, you just ate some chicken salad.

Horrified.

What if it doesn't go away.

If only he hadn't felt your hot skin. "Are you okay you're burning". He brought you water and that sufficed your hunger. It didn't quench his needs, he was worried.

You're shivering in your apartment, while everyone complains of the heat. "Its because you need more calories" he whispers. You won't argue, you want him to stay. But he can't make you eat it all. You stop, a little too full for what you aimed. Guzzle some lemonade, but ask him to put the rest away.

Your body aches from the morning workout. 45 minutes elipticle, 425 calories. lower back and obliques. Don't forget the fact that you only got 1.5 hours of sleep. A full day of school work and class, your brain is a little fried.

You thought you'd be happy to see him tonight. He surprised you with a note and a rose.

You felt invisible, he didn't hold you or kiss you. He put food in your belly. He left, you are confused.
You'll have to do double cardio tomorrow. He'll notice you when you're disappearing

I won't post my weight, because I usually weigh in the morning. I am so sore!!! I think its a mixture of working out and being stressed. I need to get some sleep :)

Its 12:00 AM. I am going to do liquids tomorrow, if not a fast. I just need to fuel my brain so I can study for my finals.

Sleep well lovlies

Forver is a long time

2010-06-08T05:56:00.002-06:00

I feel like I've been dead. School has been keeping me really busy.

I was kind of afraid to get online again. But I feel at home. I am going to the gym right now. After reading everyone's posts..I felt the urge.

I have a group project due today, and then class later. Only a week and a half left of school!

How is everyone?

Qiuckie today, i'll have more time tomorrow

2010-05-10T22:03:00.002-06:00

Intake/Exercise:
Whole oat/7 grain cereal with apples, raisins: my brain food
Iced coffee
fruit snack, two clementines(mini orange)
40 minute run, more details below
tomatoes
protein shake: made with fresh fruit and almond milk

I have a test tomorrow, after that I'll have time to do a real post, read and update on my lovely blogging friends.
Today on my run I dry-heaved, in the middle of it! and then when I got home. Part of it is because my throat is backed up with mucus....yuck!

C purged again last night. I've not said anything to her. What is there to say? I feel bad, purging sucks. I think part of the reason I purged the other day was because i heard her. Ugh. Lets no talk about depressing things.

P and I have possibly set a month to get married

goodnight, i'm passing out

LOVE YOU!!

My ADD is killing me

2010-05-07T21:59:00.009-06:00

and today was an epic failure

non stop eating

purged for the first time in months

shit

and i need to study but i can't focus on anything. I made it to my study review, went tanning. slept. tried to study

Instead I played Zelda on n64 for most the day :)

p got it for me yesterday.

Happy 21

2010-05-06T01:12:00.003-06:00

I'm now 21. weird.

okay so i just moved into my new place. I share a room with L, we get along great. N is really funny, and C is probably the one I haven't quite clicked with. L is on a diet, average weight. N does workout videos, on the bigger side, but seems overall happy. C is taking a ton of credits, always the last in bed, and has a boyfriend, pretty face, and also a little bigger. I am the small little runt and don't feel I raise much suspicion with any eating issues.

C was just purging in the toilet. I recognized it instantly, the gag cough, gag. Maybe it was her brushing her teeth? No...her bathroom fan is going. Then it continued and I heard the bowl splash.

Do I ignore it? Talk to her? Tell N(who is her friend). We've only lived together for about a week. I am a little in shock. Advice?

down .8 of a pound

2010-05-05T01:14:00.002-06:00

And thats weighing myself at night. i look forward to the scale in the morning.

b - 7 grain/oat cereal with apples and raisins (cooked it myself, unprocessed, so good for you especially because of the flaxseed)

- soy mocha

l - a few mouthfulls of veggie soup, and a fruit popsicle

d - brocolli, otter pop, less than half a banana and a clementine orange

I don't count calories anymore. I just eat slow, and try to moderate/balance my diet.

Does anyone have some good cleanse suggestions?

3 more days of school this week

2010-05-03T23:52:00.002-06:00

Today was busy busy. I woke up at 8:00 am (oops I was supposed to wake up at 7) and have been pretty on-the-go, its now midnight. Class went well today. I'm taking a 'media writing' course and today we practiced interviewing, writing a good lead, and a short story. I was a little slow, its been a few years since I've been in school!

Beauty school doesn't count. I was learning how to properly place foils for highlights or the difference between graduation and layers.

....:0....what did i get myself into???......:0 I'll be okay. I just have to get used to it.

After my studies I decided to go on a run!!

Mile 1: 9-10 minute pace
Mile 2: rotating 100 m blast per lap(x4), walk 1 lap
Mile 3: rotate blast opposite(x4), blas last lap

Kicked my butt! I wanted to puke, but I feel really happy after working out. And after a long day of learning, some boy drama, I am here on blogger :) Anyone need some thinspiration? Check out Daily Thinspiration. She is rather lovely ,and awesome for taking the time to write tips and post pics.

Well, sleep well lovlies.

It takes a strong person to admit they need help

2010-05-03T00:27:00.003-06:00

This is a happy post, but I just need to get a little rant out:

I don't approve of people gloating in their happiness. Its great if you can find happiness, and even mention it to others. But there is a fine line between being grateful, and then just being "Hey Look At Me! Oh my goodness I am so happy. I'm sorry you aren't as happy as me" Its called showing humility.

So anyway. I had a pretty good day. I'm getting a little bit better and my mood is improving because of that :) P came over today and we watched discovery channel, cuddled, and played match maker with my new roomie and his band member.

Tonight we went out to his car to make out. He he i love making out but pretty much we want to make love. I practice abstinence before marriage... geh. He had made a few comments about my body.

"you looked good when I came back, and you look healthier now. But I fell in love with you when you weighed whatever you weighed 4 years ago. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you were sexier back then"

Before you blast the man I love, keep in mind, he is a man.

We grew closer together tonight, simply because I was very open with my eating disorder. I am amazed at how he handles the issues at hand. I love him dearly because he reminds me of what is important. I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to purge ( even though I nearly did last night out of old habit).

I want control, but I don't want to die. I feel like Ana is sometimes a demon inside me, telling me what to do. I don't like to say that, but its true.

So what am I going to do? Do I half-ass try? Because even if I'm not underweight, under-eating is bad for the body. The long term effects are dangerous. Do i get help? Talk to someone, like he suggested?

I'm just happy to have him again.

Date taken: 4/3

May!

2010-05-01T17:43:00.004-06:00

5 days until my birthday. My mom called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to some benefit concert for my Dad's humanitarian business.
No thanks mom. I am sure its convenient that they are on the same day, and you'll already be down. and no. I don't want you to buy me a new book for my birthday gift. I am waiting for one of my text books to come in the mail.. she offered to just buy it new.

I hate birthdays. I appreciate when people attempt to get me gifts, but usually it isn't anything I need or use. Ugh. I might sound like a brat ha ha. I'd rather just have people Want to spend time with me. Or just give me money.

Anyway. I've been sick the past few days. My throat is burning and i have a hoarse voice. its so sexy you know?

Speaking of sexy. MY BABY GOT A JOB!! P finally got a job :) Hopefully he likes it, he'll keep it, and he can start moving on with his life. Like, I dunno, marry me? He he. In my dreams. I swear its never going to happen.

I just got done studying for two hours, and am about to go take a nap. I'm supposed to be doing an 'stay at home get better date' with P. Surprise surprise he hasn't called.

Below: P took this pic of me, it was a long day of t-shirt making

Insomnia

2010-04-29T21:24:00.002-06:00

Guys I need some serious advice. How do you all fall asleep? I can't handle the tossing and turning. Sometimes its due to hunger, other times I just can't sleep. :(

School is going to keep me busy
I forget what its like to do homework
but it will be so worth it :)

Anyone have weekend plans?

I had a second interview for a job today, i hope i can get it. They'll be getting back to me next week or the week after. Its good because I'll be able to focus on my first test coming up.

I have evening class on my birthday, and then a test review the next morning.

happy birthday to me

I miss you!

2010-04-29T01:08:00.002-06:00

I miss you all! I have been in the process of moving...nearly there.

Intake:
Soy Mocha
A thin toffee stick dipped in chocolate
Lots and Lots of water
Healthy Choice Pot Sticker Meal

Workout: Moving, I carried a desk down 3 flights, across the parking lot, and up three flights

I am sick right now, congested yet again. So I need to sleep. Classes are going to be fun, but since its an 7 week semester they are going to go fast!! I'm turning 21 in a week :s

I will catch up on a few blogs right now, but hopefully things will settle down so I can finally be on here consistently! Yay for internet :)

Date Taken: 4/25

Rainy Days, Grayed Skies

2010-04-23T16:36:00.002-06:00

Date Taken: 4.22 - a sweater I made with my b/f band logo

Do you ever feel like you don't know yourself? Caught between some alternate reality, or state of mind. I think it might have to do with getting older in general. My boyfriend says I'm a woman, but I still feel like a girl. A few days ago I was working out, I think I was doing rows with a pulley machine. When I do resistance training I like to look in the mirror and check my form. I feel in the writing/story mood, so here is the rest of the experience:

Working out comes hard for some, impossible for others, and then exciting for anyone like me. When I walk in the doors, get my pass scanned and walk to the dressing room, I keep my chin up and hold my posture well. I start getting into the zone. I pass males who give me the eye, and ignore their interested looks. I roll my eyes at the girl just sitting on the machine, texting on her phone, or flirting with someone.
I am not ashamed to dress in front of anyone in the locker room. I work out and whether or not I'm the best looking person at the time, it motivates me. Just before I walk onto the gym floor I put in my ear buds and turn on some favorite workout music.
I'm wearing my tennis shoes, simple shorts, baggy t-shirt. I don't see anyone. I hear my music and I begin with the task ahead. Today I plan to workout my chest, triceps, back, and lower abs. After that I'll run on the treadmill for at least 3 miles.
Its always annoying to use the pulley machines. I'd venture to say most girls don't go near it, and the ones that do are super in shape and toned. So when this thin figure walks up to the pulleys, I have to guard where I am! Guys are rude and overlook me.
I start doing my set, I'm always moving. Tricep pull down max out on reps, pushups, triceps, leg lifts, triceps, push ups. Then I move to the chest, and so on. The whole time I continually check to make sure my body is in proper position. My back is straight, my legs are bent, and I'm using the right muscles to do the exercise.
I was doing rows, checking the alignment on my back, when I looked at my face in the mirror.

I wanted to dropped the bar and get away from my reflection. I stared at my face for what seemed like ages. I wanted to cry. I was searching for the 17 year old girl. The girl that was happy to go to the gym because it made her feel wonderful. I stared at the soon to be 21 year old stranger who enjoyed the gym, but mostly went because she'd hate herself if she didn't go.

I searched for the young, care free smile that was nearly always spread across her face. The young self that had never made herself fast for 5 days, or eat herself sick, knowing she'd throw it all up. The young girl hardly stepped on the scale, she was content with her average weight: 137 lbs she would admit to people, without resentment. The young girl that loved herself and focused her energy on loving life itself. If I could have only found her, and told her not to end up like me.
I couldn't see a trace of her in the mirror. Who was this narrow-faced person looking at me. When did I change into such a different person? Why did I decide to look up tips of starvation and extreme weightloss? God help me. Who is that sick person I call myself? I hope I'm dreaming. But I reach up and touch my cheek, that is who I am.

Suffocating

2010-04-21T21:24:00.004-06:00

I need fun. I'm always on the go. I tell him I want to do something fun

we don't.

I don't take time for myself.

I make things too easy for him, when I really want him to commit

I want to say "If you want to be with me, then show me"

he is a sweetie. but will he grow up?

I love the Sunshine

2010-04-20T08:54:00.003-06:00

Weight: 118
I'm happy :)

I have to go play piano but I'll update again, if I can.

Date Taken: 4/20

Date Taken: 4/20
I made the shirt this morning! Its my boyfriend's band T

Busy. Forgive. Me.

2010-04-19T19:15:00.002-06:00

I beg your forgiveness for my absence. I've been really busy. pshh lame excuse I know.

I move out, start school, and all that garb NEXT WEEK!

I'm so unprepared. Last thursday was the last time i had a legit workout:

Chest, tricep, back: 40 minutes
Running/incline walkin: 45 minutes

I've been trying to jump around with my intake, whether is all liquid, low cal, all veggies, or what not.

Stay strong! I'm going to go check on your blogs now. I love you all!

Date taken: 4/15

Tone your Legs

2010-04-15T19:46:00.009-06:00

There are a lot of great exercises for your butt and thigh toning
here are some of my favorites:

Squats: Make sure you are pushing your butt back and not leaning over your ankles. Even if you can't bend super deep at first, you'll get there, and it will still do you wonders. I also like doing leg presses on a machine. This works your inner thighs, butt and hamstring(if you do a press i usually feel it in my quads too)
Lunges: I like to do walking lunges, before I switch legs I kick my back leg up to get some extra glute work
Wall sits. Try doing it in 15 second increased sets. You can also do wallsquats with a ball behind your back
Leg lifts: I like to do Up-Down- bring knee to chest- bring back to parallel
I don't know what this is called: but i like this. I also sometimes use a resistant strap.
Bridge: Love love love this. I do it often.
Cardio will help you burn the fat. But don't forget, you need to do resistance training too! You need to build muscle or else the 'skinny fat' phenomena happens

Other tips:

Skip steps when you walk up stairs. If you have an office job(like me), if you go to the bathroom do some squats or lunges ( i really do it 3-5 times during a shift)

Focus on the muscle group you are trying to target as you work out, don't just lunge, focus on the glutes and the quads

And

BE POSITIVE!!!

The gap in the thigh

2010-04-14T14:14:00.011-06:00

Okay So i'm not fat anymore

In fact I was blocked up and bloated. I will post the pic I took. Guess what happened within a day monday?

i dropped 4 pounds

EWWWWW that is gross considering WHY I was 4 pounds up

use your imagination

My next post will include leg exercise advice. Thanks for your lovely comments

Below: Muse
Yay I love drummers! Muse's drummer has a pretty sweet, wet sounding, set (P is a drummer :p)
This was the closest I could get, and then i nearly died because people started jumping around and I was like "eek where is my boy? I need protection" I survived
Matt Bellemy throwing his pick, Dominic talking to the crowd as they exit
P and I at the end of the show I headed up to the front for a bit by myself to try and get shots. Nasty sweaty nastiness. I forgot how sweaty it gets up in the front
This pic is epic, but look at all the people!
The Venue was PACKED. Balcony seats and everything

Guarding

2010-04-12T21:53:00.008-06:00

My insurance switched, thus causing issues with my prescription. I really hope I can get things sorted out. I didn't take pills for a few days and I turned into a fat monster. Its like I can't think about anything and chewing passes time.

For real. I took a pill the day i THOUGHT I was going to get my Adderall(please correct my spelling since anytime I post that word Someone has to correct my dumbness). Anyway. I function well on days I take my pill.

Not saying I can't function when I don't. But seeming how I'm already crazy as is. . . its nice to get help :)

So needless to say. I'm pre period. Bloated. Ugly. But these pics from last week make me have some hope

April 3, 2010