21% Thats pretty high

Yesterday I worked out with my trainer. She had me weigh myself and take a body fat % test. I was mortified and she could tell. She got me to calm down..I'm still mortified. I'm at 21% body fat. That is so disgusting. I was down to 13% at one point. Anyway last night I modeled my suit for my bf. It took me 10 seconds to run back into the bathroom after I showed him. We climbed in bed and he asked if I wanted his opinion. He said I looked wonderful, but as far as modeling..he rubbed part of my stomach..that might be a small problem.

I told him about being weighed and getting my body fat %. He asked me what it was. After arguing I told him my weight(barf) and then my %. "Yeah thats pretty high"

Ok I love my bf. Why would you tell me that though? Do you think that helps? I know that its high. I'm a fat lard.. I don't need you to tell me its high. I asked my boyfriend to break up with me if I gained another pound. He said he'd break up with me if I gained 50 pounds. Gross. Looks like I'm stuck becuase no way in hell will I ever gain 50 pounds. Once I'm out of the 130's I plan to never be in them again.

I'm going to my interview for the modeling thing tonight. I took some laxatives last night. I'm taking water pills today. I hope my personality will convince them to give me a chance. If

The fattest girl I know

That would be me.  

Modeling

On thursday I'm going to an open cast bikini shoot thing.  I'm scared.  I'm expecting to get rejected, but its my own fault.  I'm doing a body wrap tomorrow morning, after I workout.  Even if it just removes water weight  I CAN"T eat anything until after my meeting thursday night.  If only I had more time.  Sigh.  

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve love.  I don't deserve anything because of what I put myself through.  I lose hope.  I want to give up.  What keeps me going?  Sometimes I don't even know.  Today I hate myself. Tomorrow I'll try and like myself..even a little.

I just have to tell myself "Chin up.  Keep breathing. It will all work out in the end"

<3

It was the Wine

Last night was wine happy night.  My boyfriend and I had a little fun.  I said way too much about myself though.  I told him about how I needed to start counting calories again.  "Vegetables, fruit and rice don't count as calories" he explained to me.  False.  Rice has calories, some fruits are heavy in calories.

  I was saying a bunch of silly things and then all of the sudden I broke down in tears.  I told him I was sorry that my insecurities probably created a strain between us.  I cried about how I wish I could love myself.  I told him I didn't even know how it happened. I used to remember what it was like when I was happy with myself.  He said to me "hopefully me loving you can help you love yourself".  

I feel bad because dating him really doesn't help my ed.  I want to be as skinny as him.  I want to be under 100 pounds.  I'm slowly getting my weight back down and I'm happy about that.  I know as I progress though I'll still never be satisfied.  I just try and trick myself into thinking I'll be happier when I'm X weight.  I will be happy when I'm out of the 130's again.  Bleh.  This is def un-natural weight.  Its all the sugar I'd been eating.  I forget how few calories I do consume when I'm eating lots of veggies.  Its hard to eat over 800 if I really think about it.  

I am getting ready to try and model.  I've been talking to a few people about doing some shoots.  I got a few people asking for some head shots.  I even applied for an online modeling site.  I really hope things start going.  I want to model.  I think I have what it takes.  Especially when my body is in shape.  

Thanks for reading :)

@->--

134.5

Embarrassing to admit that I'm that weight again.  I haven't been over 130 since september/october.  For a while I could say it was because I needed to be somewhat healthy to let my body recover from my car accident.  Now I have no excuse.  I weighed in a few days ago at 137.  So although 134 is still disgusting..at least I'm going down.  With the realization that I truly am the one to blame for staying this fat I feel a lot different.  I feel the change coming.  There is an open cast call for a bikini shoot in a month and I really want to do it.  So I will.  I will continue getting back in shape.  I can do it in that time.  At 125 my body is acceptable.  It would be better if I can get back to 120 though.  I just have to take things one day at a time.  

Well I got to go bring my boyfriend his cancer.  My eating disorder really creates a strain between us.  When I'm feeling down about my body I try not to complain..and lately thats all I can think about.  I don't want to always be saying how I hate myself.   He asked me today if I'd tell him whats wrong or if it was too personal.  

Me:"I want to tell you.  You could probably guess".  

Him "or you could just be upfront" 

Me: "I'm fine. "  

Him: "you're fine with not being up front? ok"

Me: "I'm happy.  Its my own problem"

Him: "Yea"

Me: "Forget I said anything"

We haven't said anything to each other since.  He doesn't know that I didn't have to go to school tonight, and neither did I he he.  So I'm going to go make up, surprise him at work.  Bleh sometimes being single is so nice.  Then other times its like..I don't like being alone

Xoxo

Vent

I hate cops.  I was on my way to school and i get pulled over.  He tells me I'm being pulled over for two reasons: proof of insurance, no motorcycle endorsement.    The first one was no problem.  The second one was true.  I don't have my motorcycle endorsement for my scooter.  And since cops take forever long to check things I'm sitting there in the sun..with a sweater and coat.  Finally he comes back and tells me he couldn't print my ticket "so I'm just going to give you a warning.  but I don't want to see you driving this around here until you get your endorsement" Wonderful.  I wasn't going to complain.  I was literally 3 and a half blocks away from my house.  So I asked if I could at least drive it to my house to get my car. "  " I can't give you permission to do that, and I already gave you a warning.  So if you find someone that is licensed..blah blah blah"  Fuck you.  So I started walking home, some other officer was like "Hey want a ride"  Hell no I don't want a ride!  You just raped me from my vehicle!  I don't need your help.  Luckily my boyfriend was willing to let me pick him up and pick up my scooter.  What bothers me about this whole situation is that I think the cop pulled me over out of boredom.  I hate driving my car.  My bicycle needs a new tire.  I don't have time to take a motorcycle course until probably next month.  Please just throw me in a blender.

I promise I'll post a better post later today or tomorrow.  Thanks for putting up with this

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day. I told my boyfriend last night that today I was going to be a Sun Flower. Just drink water. He laughed and called me a hippie. I kind of am one. I have a philosophy in life and that would be that I always try to love everyone and everything. I always try to have an open mind/heart when I meet new people. I don't get caught up in drama. I like to take things easy, and try not to stress. I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing today to more fully celebrate earthday. I've been picking up any trash I see. I'm going to avoid driving my scooter. I wish I could do more, but being green is already part of my everyday life. I think Earth Day should really be everyday.

I woke up early and went to the gym with my sister. I'm utterly disappointed(but not surprised) that I've gained two pounds. I'm not going to focus on that negativeness though. It just means I need to continue to try harder. I'm slowly but surely getting my control back. It is hard for me to live with this weight. I don't know how people can't see my fatness. I see it everyday. Sigh. Thinking Thin. Thinking Green

Peace Love Earth

Midnight Run

Last night I went to my boyfriends, we drank coffee and went inside for a massage/movie. I was feeling tired after he gave me a massage. I fell asleep fairly early. I woke up about an hour later(caffiene finally kicked in). I was freaking out. Stomach growling, head hurting, ear aching. I was grumpy as hell. Every noise was amplified. My boyfriend didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to tell him. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we did. I told him that I'd eaten less than 500 calories the whole day and that I was needing some protein(i'm vegan so i have to pay close attention to what foods i'm not getting). So at midnight we hopped on his motorcycle and adventured over to a store. I found a protein shake and some corn chips. We ate them together and I felt much happier after that.

Am I happy that I ate? No. It was needed though. I was feeling pretty deficient. I'm happy that my boyfriend didn't tell me I HAD to eat. "I'm not going to make you eat anything, but it might help" He is sweet like that.

I love riding on the back of his bike. Its always an adventure when you're not in a car. I ride a scooter as often as possible and I love it. I dread the days when I have to use my car.

Continuing forward

Sun

Its finally warm where I live.  I got a little sun kissed yesterday, and I'm sitting outside today as a post this blog.  Does anyone else just love feeling the sun warm your body?  It is one of the best feelings that I can experience.  The sun really helps me be happy.  During the winter I usually have to sit in the tanning beds so that I can get warm.  When I don't see the sun for a while I can get extremely depressed.  Now I just want my body back in shape so I can go swimming and what not.  Here is my current body.  Not horrible.  But fat as hell.

I ate some chocolate this morning, I feel totally guilty.  I haven't eaten anything since..and its nearly 2:00.  I had some coffee though and I want more.  My stomach feels hungry and I love that feeling.  I should probably eat a little something before I go workout with my trainer.  I can't decide if I want to weigh myself.  I will.  I always do.  I know I shouldn't though because I always hate myself after.  I have some veggies in the fridge that I need to eat up..I'll probably just do that.  

horrible

Last night I wore a swimsuit in front of my boyfriend.  Not only am I fat..but I was also a little bloated from something.  I so disgusting.  How does he like me?

Ok negative out of the way.  I was down a pound yesterday!  I feel my control coming back.  I'm so sore from getting back into working out.  Its a good sore, ya know?  I can't ever give up on life even thought I really want to do so.

Today I went on a run.  Before my car accident I was running 3-4 days a week and at least 3 miles each time.  I was training for a half marathon..well due to the accident I couldn't run it.  I still want to run another one later this year.  I just have to make sure my body is ready for that.  

My weight is unkown but I don't feel as fat as I have been.  I hope to be under 130 by wednesday.

Its sunny outside! That makes me smile

Either you drooled, snotted or cried because my chin is wet

I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a long day.  I was crying.  I didn't know why.  It wasn't enough for him to think I was really crying, so I lied.  It felt so good to just be held.  I don't deserve him.  I don't know how he even is attracted to a fatty such as I.  A lot was going through my head.  I almost said out loud "I want to be normal".  What is normal?  I hate that word.

Anyway.  I'm not sure what to post about today.  I do want to say that I didn't fail yesterday!  I still ate way too much..but not as bad as I have been doing.  Yesterday I decided to color my hair.  I shaved my head nearly a year ago and I haven't colored it since.  While I was cleaning my car I found a bottle of color.  I decided I wanted a small temporary change.  I think it has helped me feel a little bit better about myself.. and motivates me to get back in shape.   I'm going to continue my progress.  I can do it.

Thanks for Reading

Left: Natural Hair Right: New do

Stuck

I feel totally stuck right now. I want to lose. I need to lose. I just feel out of control. I started working out again, that is helping. I know I could lose pretty quick if I would just get in control of what I put in my mouth. So what is holding me back? I was looking at pictures of my self before my accident, before my weight gain. I looked good. My boyfriend asked to see. He liked them. I feel motivated, but there is still something holding me back. Why can't he just say "God you were really sexy before, maybe you should lose weight again". I want to for him. He is so skinny. Does he know how hard it is for me to be with him? When I'm such a fat loser?

This morning I've probably eaten around 800-1000 calories. I decided to eat a doughnut, and then another, and then another. I'm disgusting. I hate myself. So now I have the rest of the day to either make it better, or fail. I've been failing the past week. I am so sick of it! I hate myself. I am making the change today. I will post tomorrow saying that I didn't fail.

I bought some fresh vegetables to make myself salads. I haven't eaten any candy today, other than those doughnuts. My birthday is in 3 weeks. I want to be close to 120 by then. Thats do able. I just have to really cut out all the nasty shit I've been eating. I am basically a vegan. So any weight I'm packing on is from sugary food/ processed shit.

First goal weight(by next week): 125-13
Week two 125

Week Three 120-125

I can do this. I am going to look through some magazines and put thinspo on my door, bathroom, bedside. I had that at my old place. It really was inspiring.

xoxo

Realization

Yesterday a friend and I (who also suffers an ED) were fasting together. When she texted me this:

"I just had a realization!"

She continued to tell me that if she would stop trying to slip back into her old ways, her restricting, binging, over-exercising etc, and just try and eat healthy, be normalm, she would be happy. I was really happy to hear her say this. I support her in anyway she chooses to live her life. Obviously living a healthy life is such a good decision. Today I asked her how she was feeling. She said she'd eaten breakfast, lunch and she felt amazing. She felt like herself.

It makes me wonder if I'll ever have the same realization. I know that I couldn't eat normal at this point in time. The past few weeks have been horrible binging and i've been purging the past two days. I feel guilty everytime I even think about food.

I envy this friend in the fact that I too wish I could even try to be healthy. I'm so happy for her though. She gives me some hope. I hope she continues her way to loving herself.

As for me. I'm just trying to get my body back in shape for upcoming photoshoots that I want to do. I was looking through some old pictures and I was in such good shape. I can and will be there again..

ta

Insecurities

I don't like him to touch my fat.  I told him to stop making my fat move. "What fat?" he says.  Well its there.  I know it is.  How can he pretend that its not?

I will be that skinny again.  And then skinnier.

Hunger Pains

Its probably very twisted..but I love the feeling.  It makes me feel somewhat accomoplished.

"Hunger hurts, but starving works"

"I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul"

Love these lyrics!  I also think Fiona Apple is beautiful.  Great thinspo

Re Focus

Its about time!  I feel so disgusted with myself.  I can't even be physical with my boyfriend without wanting to die.  I don't know how he even can touch me.  This is a really crappy picture, but here is my new tattoo.   The word underneath is 'refuge'.

Today I'm going to work on a game plan as far as getting my body back in shape.  I'm not exactly sure how i'm going to do it.  I do know that its possible.  My birthday is in less than a month and I want to be under 120 by then.

<3<3<3

Guilt Me. Love Me

I don't think trying to guilt someone to 'prove their love' is even humane.  If you'll love me you won't do this.  I'm sure it works on a lot of people, I've even fallen for that type of phrase.  Not this time.  I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow.  I won't regret it.  It will help me not to cut.  Just because I'm getting it doesn't mean I don't love you.

grr

I'll post a picture of my tattoo soon!